Thursday, October 25, 2012

CYG - Day 25 - Baby Showers

We had 3 showers when we were expecting little Caroline.  We were filled with such excitement and surrounded by such love and anticipation.  Our friends and family poured gifts, encouragement, and blessings on us and our girl.  It was humbling to be on the receiving end of so many gifts and support.  

We waited until pretty late in the game to have the showers, to be on the safe side.  The showers were beautiful and fun.  There was good food, good friends (and family), and good times with smiles, hugs, and laughter.  They were exactly what I wanted.  

We got amazing gifts.  Tons of beautiful things.  After the showers, our home was as ready for our girl as our hearts and arms were!  I took time to do tiny little laundry.  I folded and fixed and fussed over everything in her room.  It was all ready.  Everything was ready.

Then it happened.  She died.  She died and we had all of this...stuff.  The stuff that we'd been so excited and blessed to get seemed to be taunting me.  I felt so stupid for ever believing that it was all going to work out, embarrassed for assuming that Caroline was going to be happy and healthy just like "everyone else's babies."  When we came home, and saw all of her things, I panicked.  I wondered if we were supposed to return all the gifts.  Like a wedding that got called off at the last minute, I thought there might be some sort of etiquette that meant I needed to box everything up and send all the pink fluffy items back to the people who'd purchased them for us.  Did I need to include a card that said, "Sorry for the inconvenience, our baby died.  Here's your gift back.  Wish we could have kept it.  Thanks, anyway!"

During my pregnancy with Addalee, I was adamant that we'd have no showers.  Partly because we did get to keep all of the beautiful things given to us for our Caroline, and partly because I felt like it would be tempting fate.  If Addalee had been a boy, maybe I would have felt differently, but I doubt it.  

I'm thankful for the showers that were so graciously given for us.  While those gifts and beautiful things were difficult to look at for a time (and some still are quite bittersweet), they've finally gotten some good use with Caroline's little sister.  Though Addalee wasn't the original baby girl intended for those gifts, she's gotten a lot of good use out of her big sister's things.  And we couldn't be more thankful for that.


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