For Caroline's first birthday, we had a beautiful balloon release. I posted about it here. I wanted to cover up my head and pretend like nothing was going on. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare of losing little Caroline. I didn't want her to have an official first birthday. Something about it made it more real. A full year. She was gone for a whole year. There was something very final about it. As if you can be more final than what we already were - she was (and is) gone.
Her second birthday is only 2 days away. I'm walking around in a daze. I can't think straight. I just kind of float around, not really fully "there." I hope that it's not obvious to everyone I come across, but I know that those closest to me are seeing it. I hate that it has to be this way, but I guess I'm kind of kicking it back into survival mode. I had hoped since I survived her first birthday, this one would be a bit easier. Holding on for the ride, and hoping for the best.