Thursday, October 18, 2012

CYG - Day 17 - Birthday

For Caroline's first birthday, we had a beautiful balloon release.  I posted about it here.  I wanted to cover up my head and pretend like nothing was going on.  I wanted to wake up from the nightmare of losing little Caroline.  I didn't want her to have an official first birthday.  Something about it made it more real.  A full year.  She was gone for a whole year.  There was something very final about it.  As if you can be more final than what we already were - she was (and is) gone.

Her second birthday is only 2 days away.  I'm walking around in a daze.  I can't think straight.  I just kind of float around, not really fully "there."  I hope that it's not obvious to everyone I come across, but I know that those closest to me are seeing it.  I hate that it has to be this way, but I guess I'm kind of kicking it back into survival mode.  I had hoped since I survived her first birthday, this one would be a bit easier.  Holding on for the ride, and hoping for the best.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweetie, I can't believe her birthday is so soon. It just stinks. I understand about survival mode- sometimes it takes all I got just to make it to work in the morning and actually stay there. :o( Thinking of you!!