102.4

The sickness has been skulking around our house for over a week now.  It started with what I think was a stomach bug for Addalee, and then morphed into a semi-high fever and a pitiful sick little girl.  After getting her to the doctor and on the mend, Arthur and I started having some allergy/cold type gunk.  I don’t get sick often, so I’m kind of a giant baby when I do.  Poor hubby.

Something about dealing with sickness has made me miss Caroline all the more.  It seems like whenever we go through things with Addalee, I think more about Caroline.  I wonder how much more prepared for things I would have been if she had lived.  I mean, of course I would be more prepared…I would have a 1.5 year old; I would have been through a bunch of this before!  But then, as I’ve talked a little about before, I wonder how much less of a crazy person I would be about it.  In the name of full disclosure, I’ll just tell you that I thought of all the worst case scenarios when her fever kept climbing.  I envisioned a trip to the ER followed by a bunch of doctors, lots of tests, tubes, IVs, beeping equipment, etc.  I know that’s not what happens when kids get a minor infection.  But my mind always jumps there…possibly since I wouldn’t let it that horrible night with Caroline, and then we lived the worst case scenario. 

I’m pleased to announce that despite my wondering mind, I kept myself under control.  I gave her meds and kept her comfy, snuggled her, and kissed her hot little head.  I loved her harder because she was sick and she needed her mom.  I loved her harder because I didn’t get to care for her big sister that way.  I loved her harder thinking that maybe Caroline could feel it.

I guess it’s just a constant ebb and flow.  Sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and able to handle things as they come, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed and truthfully, kind of scared.  Sometimes the grief I still carry missing Caroline is bearable, and sometimes I feel like it’s so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe.  But I keep managing and surviving, with lots of love, help, grace, and encouragement.  

Another New Normal

We're trying to settle into our new new normal.  I have to admit, bringing home a baby after everything we have gone through still doesn't seem real sometimes.  I wish that I could say that it's been all sunshine and daisies since our little Addalee got here, but the honest truth is that it's been an emotional roller coaster just like these last 10 - 11 months have been, as well.  I debated on whether or not to even share these emotions with the rest of the world, but decided that I wanted to just be honest.  I want to say that Addie girl is wonderful and beautiful and I'm incredibly thankful for her.

I know that some of my emotions have come from the pregnancy hormone changes, but I also know that some of them have come from holding a baby for the first time since holding little Caroline.  Some of the emotions rushed in when I walked into the girls' room with little Addalee in my arms...knowing that I should have already brought a little girl home into that room, but that little girl is painfully absent.  Then there is the sadness attached to knowing that some people have forgotten our beautiful girl, our first baby, our Caroline...people have moved on, the world has continued to function, and now that we have Addalee here, they think that we've moved on too, that the sadness of losing Caroline is erased, that our family is complete.  We should be a family of 4, but are only 3...yet we are 3.

We DO have a little girl living here with us, and I can't believe how amazing she is.  Our family is settling in to having a "little bitty" here, not that it is taking a whole lot from them!  Basically everyone just wants to come hold her, stare at her, smell her beautiful baby smell.  Did I mention that she's amazing!?

There is one member of the family who has had some trouble adjusting....

Fur brother, Wally has been trying to figure out this whole baby thing.  Sometimes, I'm not convinced that he's a big fan...but he's warming up!

And, I just wanted to share a mad baby and a happy baby picture of our Addie Beth...for no other reason than I think they're cute! :)

Introducing...

I am pleased beyond measure to be able to introduce Caroline's little sister, Ms. Addalee Elizabeth.  She was born at 8:34pm on August 22.  She weighed 5lbs 5oz and was 19.5 inches long.  We are so thrilled that she is here, safe and sound and that God blessed us so much.  Of course, we still think about our sweet little Caroline girl, and miss her all the more.

I want to thank each of you for your love, support, and prayers during the waiting game of this pregnancy.  I am so excited to be able to continue sharing pieces of Caroline's family's life with you.

All our love,
Caroline's Family

Caroline's Little Sister

Yes, that's right world, Caroline has a little sister!  And let me just say, her Daddy and I are thrilled!

This journey of carrying a new baby while longing for the one gone too soon is...well...what can you really call it?  It's scary, so incredibly scary.  It's hopeful.  It's sad.  It's happy.  It's a connection to my baby Caroline.  It's a reminder that she's gone.  Some days it makes me feel closer to Caroline, and others it hits me how much further away I really am.  Please don't misunderstand me; I am beyond thrilled to be carrying Caroline's little sister.  I couldn't be happier that we're parents to a second child.  But, and this is something that all of us who've lost children say, there is no replacement for our babies.  And some would think that since we're having a girl, we are getting a type of "replacement."  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Yes, there will (Lord willing) be a little girl living in our house, even in Caroline's room, but it is never going to take away the missing of her that we do.  Caroline is a part of our daily lives.  She is included.  She is a member of our family, and just because she didn't give to stay here with us, doesn't discount her life at all.  This little one will know that she is not our first child, that she has a BEAUTIFUL big sister who lives in Heaven.  She will know that her parents love that beautiful girl who isn't here.

I (almost) wish that I could say that all of this news really makes me feel completely better.  But that simply isn't true.  I do feel a hope and a joy that I didn't know I would ever be able to feel again, but there's still a bitter pain there too.  I long for Caroline.  I ache to hold her and smell her.  I miss her so badly that my body hurts sometimes.  And because of our experience with losing her, I don't have that blissful ignorance of pregnancy that I had with her...and I miss that too.

I also am struggling with accomplishing things in "normal" life.  I don't know if it's a depression/grief thing, or if I'm just at a stalled out place.  I guess I just feel like I'm not making any progress.  I don't feel like I ever really accomplish anything.  And scarily enough, I'm not really even that bothered by not accomplishing much.  I think I'd honestly be okay to hold up in my house, or my back yard on the pretty days, and not have to face much in the way of responsibility.  I'm finding that I'm wasting so much time now.  It's not that I'm sitting around watching TV or anything...but time goes by, and I'm not really sure where it went.  I have to literally push myself to get my chores done.  And it's painful to actually face work each day.  It's intimidating, this thing called life.  I used to feel like I could handle most anything that came my way.  But now, all my energies are spent on actually surviving.  I'm terrified that something "big" can happen, and I'll just crumble under the pressure.  I guess, I'm finding it more true than ever: Life is hard.  There are many great things about life, but it is still so hard.

On a happier note, I wanted to share our "Baby Carolines" and her little sister's booties.  These little flowers were given as bulbs at Caroline's shower.  It's been so precious, because the people who planted them are calling them their Baby Carolines.  So I've gotten emails and texts saying that their Baby Carolines are blooming, and it makes me smile each and every time!

How Many Kids Do You Have?

People love to find out that you’re expecting. The world as a whole seems to get excited at the idea of people having babies. I mean, it’s a happy time. It’s full of excitement, joy, expectation…and some fear. If you’ve ever lost a child, at any stage of pregnancy, there’s likely to be a lot of fear. For me, I know that the fear is definitely there, sometimes it’s only lurking in the background, and other times, it’s in the forefront, making my chest hurt with anxiety.

It’s been a busy and bustling few weeks. But, we’re still here! I’m in my 12^th week now. Things seem to be progressing healthfully and normally with Baby Ramsey #2. We’re thankful to God for all He’s done to bless us to this point, and pray that He will continue to look out for the baby’s health, and mine as well. I’ve actually felt the morning sickness more intensely this time around, and the fatigue has seemed worse too, but I’m not complaining. I’m sleepy and green faced, but not complaining! I’m excited to move out of the first trimester and get that burst of second trimester energy!

The pregnancy talk brings me to my main reason for posting today. The question: How many kids do you have? It’s not a difficult question. It’s actually considered polite by most people. Why should it make me cringe? Why should I actually have a mini panic attack at the thought of someone asking me? Well, that’s simple…my life isn’t standard in this area. I’ve actually been very average in most areas of my life, but not this one, not even close. I don’t want to offer my entire life story (i.e. Caroline’s life story) when someone asks me such a well-meaning question. I don’t want to NOT tell them about her. It seems like a lie not to include her in the count. More than that, I want people to know her. I want people to know that she existed. Yes, she passed away before she was able to live outside the womb, but she LIVED. She was my buddy, my constant companion during those months I carried her. I talked to her, she kicked my ribs, it was our thing! She loved getting to see her Daddy at the end of the work day. When I’d lay eyes on him, she’d kick…she loved him so. Those are real memories, from our real child.

So someone asked me today. My answer, “This one is number 2!” And I felt okay with that answer. I didn’t bring her down into the dumps by telling her that our first child was stillborn in the 39^th week (see how that’s just a major downer!?). I didn’t lie and say that this was our first. I just told the truth. The truth as I know it. The truth as it is. And I feel good about my answer.

Mountains and Molehills

Hello again, world. I’m still here, and I’m still kicking. Things have just been so busy lately! So I apologize for not posting much recently.

I want to start off by expressing my sincere thanks to all of you out there who offer support...you'll never know how much it means to me. Those of you who comment and understand where I'm coming from are invaluable to me. Those of you who offer support in the background, thank you so much. I need so much support to face each day. It seems that each day is a new challenge. Some days I actually feel like I can accept the challenge, and at least face it with dignity. While, some others, I honestly want to run screaming at the sight of the challenge.

Today's challenge involved work. I'll be completely honest; I'm struggling to find my new normal here. I've managed to figure out where I fall in most things, but work isn't so easily organized. I would love to just jump back in as if nothing ever happened, but that simply isn't possible. I'm not the same person I once was. My skin is much thinner. My feelings are rawer.

There's a vulnerability I haven't had my entire adult life. I used to be a planner and a go-getter. Now, I am finding that I forget things easily. I’m shaken in my stability to perform professionally, because honestly, some days it’s still a challenge to get out of the bed. My boss and his boss are both understanding and really good people. I’m thankful to work for them, and I don’t want to let them down. I’m scared to let them down. I’m scared I can’t be a useful team member. I’m scared.

Back to the challenge of today: we had a meeting. So you’re probably thinking, “What’s the big deal!?” Well, there are 2 big deals: One was that I was meeting with some people that I haven’t seen since I was pregnant. A very nice and well-meaning lady asked me if I was getting back in to the swing of work and dealing with a baby. The people around who knew the situation were SHOCKED. They were probably more uncomfortable than I was. I believe I handled it well, and just told her that Caroline was stillborn, and that I didn’t want her to feel bad for asking. But still, ouch. Then, the second big deal is that it was in the same room where my work friends threw me a shower for Caroline. I walked in and had to pretend to be okay, but I was punched in the gut. I excused myself to the restroom for a little private sob, and then I went back in. I fought tears all day.

Things overall are going well, though. I actually have some news to announce. My husband and I are expecting again! We’re cautiously excited for the hope to have a baby live at home with us. I am in my 9^th week right now, so I’m not very far along at all, but everything is looking good so far. The doctor is very optimistic, so we’re trying to hold onto that.

This is a very exciting and scary journey. It brings up all kinds of conflicting and difficult feelings after losing a child. Part of me is scared that Caroline will be forgotten by some. I know without a doubt that I’ll never forget her, not even a little bit. It isn’t possible. But for others, I think she might just be glossed over. She might just be part of an unfortunate life event that doesn’t really need to be thought of or discussed. But to me, she’s my daughter. She lived inside my womb for almost 40 weeks. I knew her, intimately. She was a part of me. And a part of me is still with her. I don’t want everyone to have to hurt like I do, but it would be nice if people missed her like I do, like her Daddy does.

This blog is still going to be about us: Caroline’s family. It’s going to take a little turn from time to time to focus on the promise of new life. It isn’t going to become a pregnancy journal. It’s going to be a place for her family to share our lives. We share in hopes that we can help ourselves, and ultimately help others.