Sunday, November 14, 2010

This weekend has been a pretty good one. Time spent with family usually makes for a good time.

Friday night, we had a weenie roast at Mildred's for Kimbel's birthday. It was nice to be able to go and be with everyone. I have to admit, I had a hard time getting excited about it. I had a hard time getting ready to go. I had a hard time in the car on the way there. I had a hard time when I got there. Not because of anything that anyone did....but because of what was missing...Caroline. It's amazing how much I miss her to have never really gotten to do anything with her. I guess it's really just the plans I had for my life with her. She should be part of my every day life (and she is, just not in the way I thought she would be). There's always that piece that's missing, there's always something "off." I hate that it feels that way, but it does.

Saturday was spending time with Arthur. We just spent the day together, and it was nice. We also found the biggest Dollar Tree I've ever been in (I enjoyed myself!)

And then we are back to Sunday. Again, we didn't go back to church. I really want to, but I'm still just not quite there. I'm so nervous about it. I don't know if that's really founded in anything, but it is honestly scaring me quite a bit. I guess it's because I don't really feel like I can go back to "life." Life as I knew it ended. Life as I knew it is gone. There is a new life. There is a new normal. I hate that. I hate that there is a new normal. I hate that I had to give up that dream. I hate that I had to give up my Caroline. I hate that my family had to give her up. But we did. And we are all working toward that new normal.

This afternoon Arthur's parents came and we went antique shopping. Antique shopping is something that we've always had fun doing together...and today was no exception, but again...something missing. That little girl affected our lives so profoundly. When we got back to our house we actually talked about her for a while. And it was good for me to be able to talk about her...it seems to always be good for me to talk about her. She is always on my mind, she is always in my thoughts. She is so special to me, I want to share her all the time.

I want to thank you all for your prayers and endless support. You'll never know what it means to us and our family. It is only through God's grace that we are where we are now. Were it not for that grace, dealing with this would likely be too much for me to handle. I ask that you continue to pray for us. Pray for our healing, pray for that peace that we need in the stormy times, and pray that God will use this situation and our story to help other people. I wanted so badly to devote Caroline's life to God...and I have been able to do that. Not in the way I had planned, but her life is very much dedicated to God through us.


  1. Glad you were able to get out and enjoy some time with family, even though it's always hard when your sweet little girl is missing. Praying for you!!

  2. Oh sweet Nicole, I know your pain. I am Karen's sister-in-law that lost (don't you wish there was a better word) twin boys in January. You will find the next few months will be the most difficult. It does get easier, I think it is God's way of helping us survive. I found that after every milestone or first it got a little easier. I am so sorry for your loss and have been thinking and praying for you and your family. I think about your daughter too, she is up in heaven with my boys in a special place reserved for our precious children.

    It is approaching one year since my babies were born and it is hard to imagine how I survived. The things I found that helped me the most was my relationship with God and my husband. I don't like to admit this, but Chris and I never really prayed together till I was in the delivery room and afterward for strength and now we pray for this new life. With my husband we would continually verbally tell each other that we were making this horrible situation pull us together instead of apart. Our love for one another is stronger everyday and we now KNOW we can get through the hard stuff together because God is part of our relationship now too.

    It sounds like you and Arther have that special marriage already and I encourage you to not let that go. I hope you have found someone who has been through something similar that you can relate to in your life. It helped me not feel so alone. There were times where I just needed to talk about my babies, not that there is anything new to say or that my feelings really had changed and you will need someone to listen. My blog was a great sounding board and even now I find that going back and rereading post I can see how far I have come and also I don't have to worry about ever forgetting one single memory of them because even the painful ones are so cherished and important.

    A support group is so important because your friends will not know how to react to you and you might find that some relationships will change. People don't know what to do and so they will do nothing.

    Wow, this got long I guess I wish that all my words might bring you a moment of comfort to know that I am thinking of you and Caroline over here in NC. Take care and please know that if you ever need anything I am here for you. Rachael G. can get you in touch with me, but don't feel that you have to.
    in His love,

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