Sunday, November 7, 2010

Empty Arms...

Well, it's Sunday. Normally, we would be headed to church this morning. I just haven't had the heart to go back to church since Caroline left us. It's not that I don't want to, not that I don't want to worship God. It's really more that I'm scared to break down, scared to be that "scary grieving woman." I'm scared someone will say something. I'm scared no one will say anything. I'm just that: Scared.

I decided to watch a service on TV, so at least I could have at least some sort of church-type experience this morning. Lo and behold, the service I chose to watch was having a baby dedication. I didn't take this as a slap in the face, but it did knock the wind out of me. What I wanted so badly was to be able to dedicate Caroline's life to God. Which, I guess I have been able to do that, but not in the way I had planned. I had to cry, and I even had to tell God that I still don't understand. I don't expect to ever "understand." And some days are easier than others, today is kind of a rough one. Today my arms are empty. Today I feel like she was just ripped from me. Today I'm struggling. Today I'm tired. Today I hate that I don't have her. Today I see signs everywhere that what seems like EVERYONE else is having babies or has just had a healthy beautiful baby or is about to. Today my heart hurts.


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