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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Keep My Heart Alive

This has been a rough week. Not in its entirety, but it certainly has had some tough spots. Arthur has been back to work and I have had more alone time. It’s been hard on me. I wish I could say that I was able to keep myself busy and keep my mind off of any sad things, but it hasn’t been that easy. The most random things remind me of Caroline and I realize all over again that she is gone. It hits me with a force that almost brings me to my knees, a physical pain that weighs too much to hold up. These are the times that I need to pray, and beg for God to give me even an ounce of strength. But honestly, sometimes in the midst of those storms, I don’t even have the strength to pray. All I have are my cries. The cry of a mother who has lost her beloved daughter, the cry of a mother who has empty arms that ache so much for that baby, the guttural cries that come from deep within a broke and hurting soul. These are the times that I can barely catch my breath, much less form sentences to beg God for a little help. As I was crying my heart out the other day, I remembered Romans 8:26:

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

There have been several times since Caroline left us that I haven’t even had the words to pray. There have been many times that I hurt too badly to find the words to tell God what I needed Him to do to help me. Thankfully, He can make sense of me when I can’t gather my thoughts.

I’m also finding that music is helping me a lot through these hard times. I heard a song by Sanctus Real, it’s called “Keep My Heart Alive.” It struck me that there have been times in my life that I’ve said empty hallelujahs, as the song says. I think that we’ve probably all had those times if we’re honest; times when you don’t necessarily feel like praising God, times that you’re just going through the motions. So, it is my prayer that Jesus keeps my heart alive, and that He saves me from this world that’s breaking right before my eyes. I do want to be able to sing praises and glorify Him, even when I feel like my hope is fading and I can’t go on.

Sanctus Real – Keep My Heart Alive
I’m so tired of politics
And all this bad news
I’m so tired of chasing the moment
Instead of chasing You

I let the world wear me down
I’m desensitized
Jesus, keep my heart alive
Keep my heart alive
Only You can save me from a world that’s breaking right before my eyes
Keep my heart alive

Take these empty hallelujahs
Fill my lungs again
'cause I wanna sing
And I wanna mean it
I wanna feel again

And let the world hear the sound of something about
Jesus, keep my heart alive
Keep my heart alive
Only You can save me when my world is breaking right before my eyes
Jesus, keep my heart alive
Keep my heart alive
Only You can save me when my hope is fading and I’m losing the fight

And when the world wears me down
You’re my life’s love
You keep my heart alive

Also, there is a family that has just gone through losing their precious baby girl Kylee. She was also stillborn; her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. Please keep this family in your prayers.

On a positive note, I received the necklace that I ordered in Caroline's memory. It's a beautiful heart with her name on it and a little pearl. My new friend Becky at Munchkin Mama Designs (see her link to the right) made it for me. THANKS BECKY!!!!!

Love and prayers,

9 comments:

  1. Hi Nicole, I found your blog on LFCA. I'm so saddened to hear about your baby girl, Caroline. It's been 3 months since losing my Aiden. I remember the lonely days when my husband went back to work. I tried to keep busy the best I could but it was hard. If you ever want to talk I'm always here. Email me at angiemedic56[at]yahoo[dot]com

    xo Angie

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  2. ::ps:: Just noticed your last name is Ramsey, that's my maiden name! :)

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  3. I remember when Mr. Spit went back to work, it was so terribly difficult, I couldn't function and he couldn't be there and I think if one more person asked how I was doing, without asking him, we were both screaming.

    Praying for you.

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  4. I am so sorry for the devastating loss of your sweet Caroline. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  5. Sometimes there are no words, only tears. And those tears say so much more than any words ever could.

    What a great idea to get a necklace - something tangible to touch and see that will be with you all the time.

    Much love to you and your family.
    -Foxy

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  6. Here from LFCA. I lost my Mikayla as well to stillbirth. I found that one of the best things to help ease those tough days was to get outside, walk at my favourite place, and allow myself to think about her, talk to her, and remember her. It was sort of like our time together, but forcing myself to get out in the fall weather was really helpful. I lost her 2 years ago, October 15th. It is heartache to go through, but in time you will find peace...slowly. Allow yourself the time to heal and think of her to cherish her. When we finally had her ashes with us, I was at such peace because she was 'home'. A turning point for me. Do whatever you need to do to just take things one day at a time. And remember, you are not alone. Our community is awesome and we will help lift you up.

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  7. I'm here from LFCA. I'm so sorry that you lost your dear Caroline. She sounds amazing and you are a beautiful
    Family. My heart aches for you. Sending hugs.

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