Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Like Stones Under Rushing Water

Okay, so I'm just going to confess it out loud for the whole world: I AM HURTING. I AM HURTING SO BADLY THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE MY NEXT BREATH. I don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other to try to get through this whole thing called grief. It's more than just grief, it's a lifetime of wondering what her giggles would have sounded like, if she would have been silly like her daddy, or a planner like her mommy. It's a lifetime of missing my Caroline. This is a pain that I would never wish on anyone, no matter how awful they are; no one deserves to feel this.

I am merely holding on for this ride. I'm strapped in, and realize that I have no choice but to go through all the dips and flips in the track ahead. You can't just stop in the middle, which is where I am now...smack dab in the middle of the biggest valley of my life. My heart literally hurts, my body aches, the tears flow freely. Part of me wonders if I'm ever going to even feel "real" again. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel anything but this hurt. Don't get me wrong, I do have fleeting moments where it doesn't hurt unbearably, but they're short lived.

Last night, Arthur and I went to a concert (an effort to be normal again). We went to see NeedtoBreathe. The show was great. I had to have a little cry during a time when the lights were low though...another confession. I took Caroline with me, as I do everywhere. She is always with me, always on my mind. I wondered if she would have liked the music, I wondered if it was something she would have enjoyed with us. And then I missed her. I missed everything about her. Again, music is playing a big role in my life right now (wish I knew how to actually play something!!!) They have a song called Through Smoke. I suggest you listen to that song some time, and pretty much all of their other songs too for that matter. This is a little taste of the lyrics:

Who do you believe when you can't get through
When everything you know seems so untrue
When I'm lost in a place that I thought I knew
Give me some way that I might find you

I feel like I'm in the smoke right now. I don't know which end is up sometimes. It's not that I'm losing my faith, anything but actually. I'm praying that I can be used by God through this, and that I can glorify Him and honor Caroline at the same time. But today, I am just begging for a little help. I'm lost in a place that I thought I knew and I'm begging for Him to give me some way to find Him.

Love and prayers,


  1. Your descriptions really take me back to that time right after the losses . . . hard to breathe, body aches, heart hurts. ((Hugs)) Just know that even though the grief never really goes away, it changes and you change, and you are going to make it through.

  2. Thank you, Annie! I needed that extra bump of support! Happy Thanksgiving!