The World Has the Nerve to Keep on Turning

This week is not my friend.  These last few days have been emotionally brutal.  And for the first time in a very long time, I'm not referencing the soul crushing grief that has been so very present since losing little Caroline.  I'm talking about the stress of this thing called life.

I guess I should really say that nothing that bad has happened.  We haven't lost our house in those awful storms that raged through our region, our cars were neatly parked in the garage and didn't have any hail damage.  We still have our health, our sweet baby Addalee, our relationship, the everlasting love of our Lord and Savior.  So, yes, I am incredibly blessed.  I don't want to come across ungrateful or whiney (although I'm probably being whiney).

My problems have been in the form of frustrations...frustrations at work, frustrations with people.  Since we lost Caroline, so many things about me have changed.  Yes, I still try to make jokes at inappropriate times and I talk even more when I'm nervous, but I used to have a thick(er) skin.  I used to be able to let some things roll off my back.  I am now finding that I have lost that ability.  I might just be hyper-sensitive, or people might just be that insensitive.  Honestly, it's probably a combination of both. 

I feel like there is a night and day difference of my life on October 18, and the late evening of October 19.  It's just a profound change.  It angers me that others have not experienced a change.  It bothers me that it truly is the same people up to the same pathetic things.  It sickens me that people behave the way they do.  I sometimes feel like I should be immune to this kind of behavior because of the hand we've been dealt in losing our sweet girl.  I feel like people shouldn't pick on me, and find reasons to complain about me to others.  I feel like if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  I mean, I know this is a statement that has been around for so long, but it seems even more applicable when you've been forced to live in this kind of alternate reality, or Plan B.

I'm not going to go into details, I feel like that would be stooping to the level of this poor soul.  But I do want to express here how I really feel.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I pity this person.  What a sad life it must be, to skulk in the background and hide behind anonymity.  I think it's pretty stinkin' pathetic that you don't have anything better to do with your time, and your life than find ways to hurt other people...what a sad existence.  I'm sorry that you feel like you've been dealt such a horrible hand, but look around you, so many people have it worse than you (and worse than me - see, not whining), you really need to find a way to live your own life.  I pray that you find a way to do that.

On another note, this pitiful person isn't going to steal our happiness.  We simply can't waste any more time feeling this way.  So, we're letting it go.  I needed to vent, but I'm not holding on to it. 

Tomorrow is going to be better. 

The Day After Mother's Day

I'm feeling very happy to have Mother's Day behind me.  It was a day that I was dreading quite a lot for a little while.  I went back and forth wondering if it was going to be as bad as I imagined it could be.  As it turns out, what I had made up in my head was worse than the actual day.  That doesn't mean that it wasn't really tough, but it means that I wasn't reduced to a puddle of tears all day.

I was very blessed to have so many wonderful people around me, praying for me, loving me, and supporting me. Also, my family was very understanding and sweet.  I originally told anyone that would listen that I wanted to skip the day altogether.  No one really had any problem with that.  I started thinking that I needed to do something special for the moms and grandmothers in my family.  When I first started thinking of Mother's Day, I didn't think I'd be able to do ANYTHING.  I was able to make my mom and Arthur's mom a memory box to keep their special things to remind them of baby Caroline.  I was able to make them copies of her hand and foot prints given to us from the hospital, and all the other little precious keepsakes they sent us from the hospital.  I had the delivery pictures printed for them as well, and gave them each one of the gifts that they had given us for Caroline.  My mom got Caroline's first pair of shoes (an adorable little set of pink dress shoes), and Arthur's mom got a sweet little bib that said "Thank Heaven for Little Babies."  I hope that they'll treasure these things, and know they will. 

I was able to pick out a card for my mom, but I had to abort that mission after I found hers because it was simply just too overwhelming, and I didn't want to lose my mind in Target.  (Did you know that they have "Happy First Mother's Day" cards?  I do...now)  Thankfully, Arthur was able to find a really nice card for his mom and spare me from having to try again.  I had even really planned to send a little card to my BLM friends that I've met along this journey, but lost my motivation when it was just so hard to look at those cards!

We actually had a special weekend together.  Arthur was so good to me, and we really enjoyed each other's company.  We hit the bookstore on Friday evening, and got a couple of good books (a new devotional, and a book about surviving the death of a child), and he even let me go to Hobby Lobby (he really knows the way to my heart)!  Saturday we went to yard sales, they're just so much fun!  From the yard sales, we went to an antique fair.  It was so much fun!  By the time we got home, we were both exhausted, but it was so nice.  Sunday, we got up leisurely.  Normally, we'd have gone to church, but I knew they'd be doing the special Mother's Day service, so I just couldn't muster the courage.  But Arthur made us breakfast, and we spent the day just being together.  We talked about Caroline a good bit.  There were tears.  There was laughter.  We tried to remember Caroline and think of our new little blessing, Addalee (name meaning story below).  Arthur gave me the sweetest card, I didn't know a card like that even existed.  It said something along the lines of this being a tough time, but that I'm a mother, etc. And he told me how proud he was of me...melted my heart.  When the day was over, I was glad though.  It was nice to lay down my head and know that another milestone is behind me.  I just pray that next Mother's Day will be different.

I spent time in prayer leading up to, and during the day yesterday for all of those that I've met who would be experiencing Mother's Day without their precious child(ren).  I wish that this wasn't a reality for anyone.  I wish that life was neat and easy.  But it's not.  So, I hope that each of you who've had to weather Mother's Day with heavy hearts (because of the loss of their babies, or even their own mothers, or grandmothers), were able to experience some peace.

As promised, Addalee's name story/meaning:  Being in the midst of a subsequent pregnancy is quite the roller coaster of emotion.  Some days just sail on by, while others, we're stricken with fear...fear that something could be wrong, something could happen, she won't come home with us either...  We have been diligently trying to find a name for this little girl since we found out she was a "she."  We had several names on the table, and none that we were just settled on.  Arthur came up with Addalee, and we just liked it, still nothing was final.  Arthur looked up the meaning of the name and found that it meant "God is our refuge."  I was almost decided.  Then, a couple of days later, we ran into a hard day, emotionally.  Arthur prayed that God would give us a sign that everything was okay and everything was going to be okay with this little girl.  He then went on the Internet to a random verse generator, Psalm 46:1 came up - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  And the rest is history!  So, we're expecting little Addalee Elizabeth (after her big sister), late August - early September!  Please keep us in your prayers.

Happy Everything

Yes, I realize it's been a little while since Easter, but I haven't wished everyone a proper "Happy Easter."

So HAPPY EASTER from us to you!

How was Easter for all of you?  For me, it was okay...but it actually turned out to be tougher than I had anticipated.  It actually kind of surprised me.  Easter has always been one of my favorite days.  It's such an uplifting day, because of all it means to me as a Christian.  That didn't change, but there was a sadness attached to the day.  While it's a day about what Christ did for all of us, died on the cross and rose from the grave, in our society today, the day also has a large focus on children.  From the pretty little dresses to the Easter egg hunts, from the Easter baskets to the egg decorating, I was brutally aware of all we were missing out on this year.  Yes, I know, Caroline would have only been 6.5 months old, but I still would have celebrated so much with her.  I felt like I was deflated when the day was over.  Just the breath-stealing grief of missing her, it was painful.  We were able to get together with family, and that was wonderful, but part of me just wanted to hide and cry.  I suppose that it's for the best that our family is active and wants us to be there, it does keep me from hiding in my shell.  And honestly, if I just wanted to sit and cry, they'd let me...some would cry with me, all would understand.  I couldn't ask for a better family - on either side!

This past weekend, my mom's side of the family had a cookout/get-together/shower/party.  My cousin and his wife are expecting a little girl, and another cousin and his wife just finalized the adoption of their sweet little boy.   My family was really great about the shower aspect, and told me that I didn't even have to come if I didn't want to, and everyone would understand.  Because, honestly, going to a baby shower (especially for a little girl), was a nightmare for me.  I didn't think I was even going to be able to shop for a gift for her.  That came easier than I thought, then I started thinking, maybe I could actually go to the shower.  So, I decided to go for it.  My philosophy for this was that I wasn't going to let it be bad, I was going to suck it up and just do it.  I wanted to be there for my family.  And they were all there for me.  So, I survived...a baby shower, complete with little pink dresses, and pretty things.  Emotionally, I was okay while I was there, keeping busy, visiting with my sweet family.  It was a little tougher when I slowed down that night to go to bed...when I'm alone with my thoughts.

This coming weekend is a dreaded day for me (as I'm sure many of you will understand)...Mother's Day.  It's not that I don't want to celebrate my Mom and grandmothers.  I'm proud of them, and I want them to feel honored.  But honestly, I have to skip it.  I have told them that I'm basically just going to pretend it isn't a special day.  I'm not going to go to church, which would have been part of a normal non-holiday Sunday, because I just can't do the "honoring the mothers" thing that they'd do.  Because, other than my big belly, no one would know that I'm already a mother.  No one can tell by looking at me that I've given birth to a sweet little girl.  No one can see the mother's love that I have for my angel Caroline.  Since I don't have any living children (outside the womb), I'm generally overlooked by society as a real mother.  It breaks my heart.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and somehow pass my feelings about my little girl to the world.  I want everyone to know, "I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL, HER NAME IS CAROLINE.  I LOVE HER WITH MY WHOLE HEART.  SHE'S NOT HERE WITH ME AND I MISS HER WITH EVERYTHING I AM.  EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS STILLBORN, SHE STILL MATTERS!"  Thankfully, most people don't deny me that, and anyone who knows the situation has been gracious and kind.  I guess, I really just want it to be completely evident that I'm a mother, and I don't want to have to explain it.  But, that's just how it is...

On another note, Caroline's little sister officially has a name.  We don't officially know how we're going to spell it, but her name is Adalee Elizabeth.  Her first name means "God is our refuge."  Through this pregnancy, we have good days and bad days, anxiety wise.  We were having a rough day one day, and her Daddy asked God to give us some comfort that everything is going to be okay this time around, and he went online to a random verse generator, and Psalm 46:1 was the verse that came up.  "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  And that's how our new little girl got her name, officially! :)

This is me and little Addie at 20 weeks!

Alrighty...well, that post got a little longer than I planned on.  I guess I just had a lot to say!

Hoping everyone is having a great week.

Giveaway Winner!

I know I said I would post the winner last night, and I had every intention of doing so.  And to be honest, I guess I just kind of flaked out!  SORRY! 

But the winner is Rhiannon!  CONGRATULATIONS!!!!  

6 Months

This is a day that I don’t think I even knew I was dreading.  I hadn’t really given this new anniversary much thought.  Then suddenly, it hit me.  6 months.  Six months.  About 180 days.  It’s hard enough to pass an anniversary; one thing that’s kind of made it slightly more difficult for me is that this one just happens to be the date and the day.  Caroline passed away late in the evening of October 19^th, a Tuesday.  We rushed to the hospital, they confirmed our worst nightmares, and induced me early on Wednesday, October 20.  I labored through the day, and had her at 7:27 pm.  I met my beautiful little girl, and I was never more in love, never more proud, never more broken.  And that brokenness has stayed around.  I am still broken.  I am still breaking. 

As I’m sure it happens with anyone else who has ever experienced a loss, it comes in waves.  There are good days and bad days.  There are happier days and sadder days.  And, I’ll be honest; I haven’t learned how to ride the waves very efficiently yet.  I’m still wiped out on the sad days.  And my happy days have shades of sadness to them.  But at least there are happy days.  When I had to say goodbye to that precious girl, I truly didn’t believe that there could be any happiness – ever again. 

We are learning to live again.  I think this is going to be a process that takes us a very long time.  But we’re so hopeful for the future.  Despite losing our sweet girl, we are incredibly blessed.  I’m so excited to be carrying Caroline’s little sister in my big ol’ belly as I type.  I’m starting to feel this little lady kick and move, and I feel like each flutter is a blessing from God.  I also feel like our baby Caroline is a little guardian angel watching her little sister.  So, in some small ways, Caroline is here with us still.

Sweet Girl,

You can't even dream how much I love you and how much I miss you.  My heart aches as I think of continuing life without you here.  Our family is not going to be whole until we're all up there in Heaven with you.  We know that you're up there being loved on by your grandfathers, your big cousin Brian, don't let him aggravate you too much!  We are so proud of you and all that your little life has meant to so many people.

Love you with my whole heart,

Momma

Spring is Springing

Well, friends...it's been 6 months today since our little Caroline passed away.  In honor of her 6 month Angelversary, I'm going to do a little giveaway.  I've seen other ladies do this on their blog, and I've always thought that it was a great idea.  I mean, who doesn't love to win something?  Who doesn't appreciate the little pick-me-up that it brings?

So, I'm going to give away a little handkerchief.  My Grandmother taught me to embroider, and it's something that is so very therapeutic for me.  I've started embroidering little handkerchiefs with the names of little precious babies gone too soon.  I think it's a nice little keepsake, and way to honor their memory.  They feature little purple flowers (they symbolize remembrance), and your sweet baby's name.  I could do an initial too, it's up to you.  Here's an idea of what they look like:

So, if you'd like to enter to win, please leave me a comment.  I'll do the random number thingy and select a winner on Friday.

Thanks and good luck!

Caroline's Little Sister

Yes, that's right world, Caroline has a little sister!  And let me just say, her Daddy and I are thrilled!

This journey of carrying a new baby while longing for the one gone too soon is...well...what can you really call it?  It's scary, so incredibly scary.  It's hopeful.  It's sad.  It's happy.  It's a connection to my baby Caroline.  It's a reminder that she's gone.  Some days it makes me feel closer to Caroline, and others it hits me how much further away I really am.  Please don't misunderstand me; I am beyond thrilled to be carrying Caroline's little sister.  I couldn't be happier that we're parents to a second child.  But, and this is something that all of us who've lost children say, there is no replacement for our babies.  And some would think that since we're having a girl, we are getting a type of "replacement."  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Yes, there will (Lord willing) be a little girl living in our house, even in Caroline's room, but it is never going to take away the missing of her that we do.  Caroline is a part of our daily lives.  She is included.  She is a member of our family, and just because she didn't give to stay here with us, doesn't discount her life at all.  This little one will know that she is not our first child, that she has a BEAUTIFUL big sister who lives in Heaven.  She will know that her parents love that beautiful girl who isn't here.

I (almost) wish that I could say that all of this news really makes me feel completely better.  But that simply isn't true.  I do feel a hope and a joy that I didn't know I would ever be able to feel again, but there's still a bitter pain there too.  I long for Caroline.  I ache to hold her and smell her.  I miss her so badly that my body hurts sometimes.  And because of our experience with losing her, I don't have that blissful ignorance of pregnancy that I had with her...and I miss that too.

I also am struggling with accomplishing things in "normal" life.  I don't know if it's a depression/grief thing, or if I'm just at a stalled out place.  I guess I just feel like I'm not making any progress.  I don't feel like I ever really accomplish anything.  And scarily enough, I'm not really even that bothered by not accomplishing much.  I think I'd honestly be okay to hold up in my house, or my back yard on the pretty days, and not have to face much in the way of responsibility.  I'm finding that I'm wasting so much time now.  It's not that I'm sitting around watching TV or anything...but time goes by, and I'm not really sure where it went.  I have to literally push myself to get my chores done.  And it's painful to actually face work each day.  It's intimidating, this thing called life.  I used to feel like I could handle most anything that came my way.  But now, all my energies are spent on actually surviving.  I'm terrified that something "big" can happen, and I'll just crumble under the pressure.  I guess, I'm finding it more true than ever: Life is hard.  There are many great things about life, but it is still so hard.

On a happier note, I wanted to share our "Baby Carolines" and her little sister's booties.  These little flowers were given as bulbs at Caroline's shower.  It's been so precious, because the people who planted them are calling them their Baby Carolines.  So I've gotten emails and texts saying that their Baby Carolines are blooming, and it makes me smile each and every time!

5 Months

I've been really trying to stay positive.  I've been trying to just ride the waves of grief and weather the storm as gracefully as possible.  I'm not very good at this whole thing.  And, while it feels like it's been an eternity, it's only been 5 months since I said goodbye to my girl. 

Looking back over these last 5 months, I'm amazed at all that has come to pass.  I'm proud of how well I'm doing, good days and bad.  I am feeling glimpses of great hope.  I can see that life truly IS worth living still.

BUT, I'm also sad.  I am truly so sad.  I'm sad to be another month away from my baby.  The changing of the season is even kind of tough for me.  I struggle with seeing life move on.  I struggle with moving on myself.  There are parts of me that feel guilty for being pregnant again; the ultimate "move on."  I guess, if I tell the truth, the moving on scares me because I'm scared of everyone forgetting her.  And I don't even mean like forgetting she ever existed, but just forgetting her on a daily basis, or a weekly basis.  Of course, I know that people don't miss her like I do (except her Daddy...), but this is truly something that impacts my daily life.  The weight of missing her is so heavy, I've simply learned to carry it a little more efficiently, but I never put it down.  And, I guess, if I had the choice to put down the weight or forget about my sweet girl, I'll carry that weight until the end of time.

In talking to my dear friend, who has also lost a baby, she said, "You know, I would do it all again.  Even knowing the outcome, I would do it all again."  And I agree.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Knowing that I couldn't keep her, I would do it all over again, just to know her, just to feel her, just to know that she's waiting for me.  She's waiting for me.  And, I'm waiting for her...

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch, or should I say a tearful patch. For some reason, I find myself reduced to a tearful puddle a few times a day now. I’m having a hard time with this because this feels more like when things were fresher. This feels like what I was going through in the weeks immediately following losing my sweet girl. Am I going backward? Is this normal? Is this just grief? I feel like I’m losing the progress I’ve been working so hard for.

I don’t want to just write about all the horrible things that I’m feeling. I don’t want to be the most negative person around. That’s not me. I’m a happy person. I try to look for the good things, the silver lining. And some days, some hours, I can still find the sun breaking through the clouds. Sometimes, I feel like the grief is just so heavy that I can’t stand it. Sometimes, I feel like it’s too much.

I feel like an alien when I’m out in the world. My skin must reflect the awkwardness and discomfort I feel inside. It’s just too strong to be invisible to the naked eye. I must be green and scaly. There must be something about me that people can see and instantly pity me and turn away from me. I know I’m just being dramatic, but it really feels that way sometimes.

This pregnancy has, in many ways, made me miss Caroline even more. I’m in no way saying that I am not over the moon about this baby. I am saying that I miss getting to hear her heart beat. I miss getting to see her on ultrasounds. I miss feeling her kick. I miss her. I miss everything about her. And I fear that I’m moving so far away from her.

I’m also fearful that people who don’t understand are going to think that this baby somehow “fixes” things. In no way does this baby change anything at all about my grieving for Caroline. And I’ve gotten glimpses of that from some people…which somehow makes it worse. I just want to scream at them, do one of those Hollywood movie tricks that I can lay my hand on their heads and transfer my memory, my feelings, what this is truly like. Make them understand.

There are a few things that really derail me. The stress of returning to a “normal” life (i.e. work mostly, but also some really insensitive and selfish people), and being blindsided. I used to be able to handle stress a little more grace than I can these days. Thankfully, my bosses have been pretty good and understanding. However, some days, I have a hard time getting up and being in the office. I have a hard time sitting at my desk and working like everything’s okay. As for the insensitive and selfish people, yeah, they just need to go away…FAR away…and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now for being blindsided: When I go out into the world, I prepare myself for babies. When I go shopping, I know I’ll see moms and babies. When I go to church, I know families will be there. When I watch TLC, I know there are TONS of baby commercials. However, when I’m sitting at my desk at work, I never expect there to be a baby around. Sure, sometimes people have to bring their children with them for a little while. But, I was sitting and minding my own business…then I heard this squeal. I knew what it was. My heart started racing, palms sweating, shortness of breath. It was like an all out panic attack. I wasn’t expecting that. Then the second the anxiety dissipated, TEARS. Not the kind of tears you can cover up. I was stuck, sobbing, at my desk. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Let me be clear here, I’m not saying anything bad about the family who brought the baby…I just wasn’t prepared.

On a positive note: I am surviving. I am learning to live again. I am on a difficult path, but I’m on it. And I’m taking some pride in that.

How Many Kids Do You Have?

People love to find out that you’re expecting. The world as a whole seems to get excited at the idea of people having babies. I mean, it’s a happy time. It’s full of excitement, joy, expectation…and some fear. If you’ve ever lost a child, at any stage of pregnancy, there’s likely to be a lot of fear. For me, I know that the fear is definitely there, sometimes it’s only lurking in the background, and other times, it’s in the forefront, making my chest hurt with anxiety.

It’s been a busy and bustling few weeks. But, we’re still here! I’m in my 12^th week now. Things seem to be progressing healthfully and normally with Baby Ramsey #2. We’re thankful to God for all He’s done to bless us to this point, and pray that He will continue to look out for the baby’s health, and mine as well. I’ve actually felt the morning sickness more intensely this time around, and the fatigue has seemed worse too, but I’m not complaining. I’m sleepy and green faced, but not complaining! I’m excited to move out of the first trimester and get that burst of second trimester energy!

The pregnancy talk brings me to my main reason for posting today. The question: How many kids do you have? It’s not a difficult question. It’s actually considered polite by most people. Why should it make me cringe? Why should I actually have a mini panic attack at the thought of someone asking me? Well, that’s simple…my life isn’t standard in this area. I’ve actually been very average in most areas of my life, but not this one, not even close. I don’t want to offer my entire life story (i.e. Caroline’s life story) when someone asks me such a well-meaning question. I don’t want to NOT tell them about her. It seems like a lie not to include her in the count. More than that, I want people to know her. I want people to know that she existed. Yes, she passed away before she was able to live outside the womb, but she LIVED. She was my buddy, my constant companion during those months I carried her. I talked to her, she kicked my ribs, it was our thing! She loved getting to see her Daddy at the end of the work day. When I’d lay eyes on him, she’d kick…she loved him so. Those are real memories, from our real child.

So someone asked me today. My answer, “This one is number 2!” And I felt okay with that answer. I didn’t bring her down into the dumps by telling her that our first child was stillborn in the 39^th week (see how that’s just a major downer!?). I didn’t lie and say that this was our first. I just told the truth. The truth as I know it. The truth as it is. And I feel good about my answer.