I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch, or should I say a tearful patch. For some reason, I find myself reduced to a tearful puddle a few times a day now. I’m having a hard time with this because this feels more like when things were fresher. This feels like what I was going through in the weeks immediately following losing my sweet girl. Am I going backward? Is this normal? Is this just grief? I feel like I’m losing the progress I’ve been working so hard for.
I don’t want to just write about all the horrible things that I’m feeling. I don’t want to be the most negative person around. That’s not me. I’m a happy person. I try to look for the good things, the silver lining. And some days, some hours, I can still find the sun breaking through the clouds. Sometimes, I feel like the grief is just so heavy that I can’t stand it. Sometimes, I feel like it’s too much.
I feel like an alien when I’m out in the world. My skin must reflect the awkwardness and discomfort I feel inside. It’s just too strong to be invisible to the naked eye. I must be green and scaly. There must be something about me that people can see and instantly pity me and turn away from me. I know I’m just being dramatic, but it really feels that way sometimes.
This pregnancy has, in many ways, made me miss Caroline even more. I’m in no way saying that I am not over the moon about this baby. I am saying that I miss getting to hear her heart beat. I miss getting to see her on ultrasounds. I miss feeling her kick. I miss her. I miss everything about her. And I fear that I’m moving so far away from her.
I’m also fearful that people who don’t understand are going to think that this baby somehow “fixes” things. In no way does this baby change anything at all about my grieving for Caroline. And I’ve gotten glimpses of that from some people…which somehow makes it worse. I just want to scream at them, do one of those Hollywood movie tricks that I can lay my hand on their heads and transfer my memory, my feelings, what this is truly like. Make them understand.
There are a few things that really derail me. The stress of returning to a “normal” life (i.e. work mostly, but also some really insensitive and selfish people), and being blindsided. I used to be able to handle stress a little more grace than I can these days. Thankfully, my bosses have been pretty good and understanding. However, some days, I have a hard time getting up and being in the office. I have a hard time sitting at my desk and working like everything’s okay. As for the insensitive and selfish people, yeah, they just need to go away…FAR away…and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Now for being blindsided: When I go out into the world, I prepare myself for babies. When I go shopping, I know I’ll see moms and babies. When I go to church, I know families will be there. When I watch TLC, I know there are TONS of baby commercials. However, when I’m sitting at my desk at work, I never expect there to be a baby around. Sure, sometimes people have to bring their children with them for a little while. But, I was sitting and minding my own business…then I heard this squeal. I knew what it was. My heart started racing, palms sweating, shortness of breath. It was like an all out panic attack. I wasn’t expecting that. Then the second the anxiety dissipated, TEARS. Not the kind of tears you can cover up. I was stuck, sobbing, at my desk. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Let me be clear here, I’m not saying anything bad about the family who brought the baby…I just wasn’t prepared.
On a positive note: I am surviving. I am learning to live again. I am on a difficult path, but I’m on it. And I’m taking some pride in that.