Monday, March 14, 2011

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

I’ve hit a bit of a rough patch, or should I say a tearful patch. For some reason, I find myself reduced to a tearful puddle a few times a day now. I’m having a hard time with this because this feels more like when things were fresher. This feels like what I was going through in the weeks immediately following losing my sweet girl. Am I going backward? Is this normal? Is this just grief? I feel like I’m losing the progress I’ve been working so hard for.

I don’t want to just write about all the horrible things that I’m feeling. I don’t want to be the most negative person around. That’s not me. I’m a happy person. I try to look for the good things, the silver lining. And some days, some hours, I can still find the sun breaking through the clouds. Sometimes, I feel like the grief is just so heavy that I can’t stand it. Sometimes, I feel like it’s too much.

I feel like an alien when I’m out in the world. My skin must reflect the awkwardness and discomfort I feel inside. It’s just too strong to be invisible to the naked eye. I must be green and scaly. There must be something about me that people can see and instantly pity me and turn away from me. I know I’m just being dramatic, but it really feels that way sometimes.

This pregnancy has, in many ways, made me miss Caroline even more. I’m in no way saying that I am not over the moon about this baby. I am saying that I miss getting to hear her heart beat. I miss getting to see her on ultrasounds. I miss feeling her kick. I miss her. I miss everything about her. And I fear that I’m moving so far away from her.

I’m also fearful that people who don’t understand are going to think that this baby somehow “fixes” things. In no way does this baby change anything at all about my grieving for Caroline. And I’ve gotten glimpses of that from some people…which somehow makes it worse. I just want to scream at them, do one of those Hollywood movie tricks that I can lay my hand on their heads and transfer my memory, my feelings, what this is truly like. Make them understand.

There are a few things that really derail me. The stress of returning to a “normal” life (i.e. work mostly, but also some really insensitive and selfish people), and being blindsided. I used to be able to handle stress a little more grace than I can these days. Thankfully, my bosses have been pretty good and understanding. However, some days, I have a hard time getting up and being in the office. I have a hard time sitting at my desk and working like everything’s okay. As for the insensitive and selfish people, yeah, they just need to go away…FAR away…and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now for being blindsided: When I go out into the world, I prepare myself for babies. When I go shopping, I know I’ll see moms and babies. When I go to church, I know families will be there. When I watch TLC, I know there are TONS of baby commercials. However, when I’m sitting at my desk at work, I never expect there to be a baby around. Sure, sometimes people have to bring their children with them for a little while. But, I was sitting and minding my own business…then I heard this squeal. I knew what it was. My heart started racing, palms sweating, shortness of breath. It was like an all out panic attack. I wasn’t expecting that. Then the second the anxiety dissipated, TEARS. Not the kind of tears you can cover up. I was stuck, sobbing, at my desk. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Let me be clear here, I’m not saying anything bad about the family who brought the baby…I just wasn’t prepared.

On a positive note: I am surviving. I am learning to live again. I am on a difficult path, but I’m on it. And I’m taking some pride in that.


  1. You should blog about whatever you want. I don't think you should worry that people will think you're negative. You've lost a child. You have lots of sadness to work through. So go for it!

    I find getting my sadness out on my blog makes my everyday real life just that much easier. Because I'm not holding anything in.

  2. Nicole, someone who has never lost a child won't understand that this baby won't "fix" things. They just won't get it...I hate to say it but its true. My mom lost my oldest brother to extreme prematurity. She still cries anbout it today. After I lost Addie I asked her if she missed him any less after 2 more children (because I was afraid I would dishonor her memory if we had another child so soon) and she said no. The pain lessens over time, but it never goes away. However, someone who hasn't gone through this will never understand. I don't even completely understand it since I haven't had another pregnancy yet, but I sort of understand the concept.

    You're walking a difficult path momma but you're surviving and thats a good thing. Caroline is watching from above, knowing that you are and always will be a wonderful mother. She is happy...try to remember that as you go through this pregnancy. Sending you lots of hugs!

  3. I am EXACTLY where you are! I don't understand sometimes why we go backwards, I guess that's just how it works? I am also pregnant again and have been having the same feelings... like with every milestone I am moving a little further away from my sweet Ava and I don't like it:( I too have had a lot more tears lately and have decided that for me it's my way of holding onto her, if I don't let go of the sadness, I won't let go of her. It's so nice to know that I'm not crazy... I continue to pray for you as you make this journey with me:)