Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Caroline's Little Sister

Yes, that's right world, Caroline has a little sister!  And let me just say, her Daddy and I are thrilled!

This journey of carrying a new baby while longing for the one gone too soon is...well...what can you really call it?  It's scary, so incredibly scary.  It's hopeful.  It's sad.  It's happy.  It's a connection to my baby Caroline.  It's a reminder that she's gone.  Some days it makes me feel closer to Caroline, and others it hits me how much further away I really am.  Please don't misunderstand me; I am beyond thrilled to be carrying Caroline's little sister.  I couldn't be happier that we're parents to a second child.  But, and this is something that all of us who've lost children say, there is no replacement for our babies.  And some would think that since we're having a girl, we are getting a type of "replacement."  This couldn't be further from the truth.  Yes, there will (Lord willing) be a little girl living in our house, even in Caroline's room, but it is never going to take away the missing of her that we do.  Caroline is a part of our daily lives.  She is included.  She is a member of our family, and just because she didn't give to stay here with us, doesn't discount her life at all.  This little one will know that she is not our first child, that she has a BEAUTIFUL big sister who lives in Heaven.  She will know that her parents love that beautiful girl who isn't here.

I (almost) wish that I could say that all of this news really makes me feel completely better.  But that simply isn't true.  I do feel a hope and a joy that I didn't know I would ever be able to feel again, but there's still a bitter pain there too.  I long for Caroline.  I ache to hold her and smell her.  I miss her so badly that my body hurts sometimes.  And because of our experience with losing her, I don't have that blissful ignorance of pregnancy that I had with her...and I miss that too.

I also am struggling with accomplishing things in "normal" life.  I don't know if it's a depression/grief thing, or if I'm just at a stalled out place.  I guess I just feel like I'm not making any progress.  I don't feel like I ever really accomplish anything.  And scarily enough, I'm not really even that bothered by not accomplishing much.  I think I'd honestly be okay to hold up in my house, or my back yard on the pretty days, and not have to face much in the way of responsibility.  I'm finding that I'm wasting so much time now.  It's not that I'm sitting around watching TV or anything...but time goes by, and I'm not really sure where it went.  I have to literally push myself to get my chores done.  And it's painful to actually face work each day.  It's intimidating, this thing called life.  I used to feel like I could handle most anything that came my way.  But now, all my energies are spent on actually surviving.  I'm terrified that something "big" can happen, and I'll just crumble under the pressure.  I guess, I'm finding it more true than ever: Life is hard.  There are many great things about life, but it is still so hard.

On a happier note, I wanted to share our "Baby Carolines" and her little sister's booties.  These little flowers were given as bulbs at Caroline's shower.  It's been so precious, because the people who planted them are calling them their Baby Carolines.  So I've gotten emails and texts saying that their Baby Carolines are blooming, and it makes me smile each and every time!


  1. Beautiful post. I couldn't agree more, pregnancy after loss is SO HARD! It brings us closer to our angels yet, further away at the same time. Congratulations of baby sister, how exciting! :) Lots of love to you, mama!

  2. I'm so excited that Caroline is getting a baby sister, I know she hand picked her herself just for you. At least that's what I like to believe. Pregnancy after loss is hard, but that doesn't mean we aren't grateful for what we have. I think of you often, sending you my love xo

  3. Congratulations. So exciting. While I am not going through a pregnancy after a loss yet, I have so many fears about getting pregnant again. I am not sure how I will make it through each day. I am praying for you and your new little girl.
    I just found your blog. I am so glad that you have been able to find an outlet after your loss.