Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The World Has the Nerve to Keep on Turning

This week is not my friend.  These last few days have been emotionally brutal.  And for the first time in a very long time, I'm not referencing the soul crushing grief that has been so very present since losing little Caroline.  I'm talking about the stress of this thing called life.

I guess I should really say that nothing that bad has happened.  We haven't lost our house in those awful storms that raged through our region, our cars were neatly parked in the garage and didn't have any hail damage.  We still have our health, our sweet baby Addalee, our relationship, the everlasting love of our Lord and Savior.  So, yes, I am incredibly blessed.  I don't want to come across ungrateful or whiney (although I'm probably being whiney).

My problems have been in the form of frustrations...frustrations at work, frustrations with people.  Since we lost Caroline, so many things about me have changed.  Yes, I still try to make jokes at inappropriate times and I talk even more when I'm nervous, but I used to have a thick(er) skin.  I used to be able to let some things roll off my back.  I am now finding that I have lost that ability.  I might just be hyper-sensitive, or people might just be that insensitive.  Honestly, it's probably a combination of both. 

I feel like there is a night and day difference of my life on October 18, and the late evening of October 19.  It's just a profound change.  It angers me that others have not experienced a change.  It bothers me that it truly is the same people up to the same pathetic things.  It sickens me that people behave the way they do.  I sometimes feel like I should be immune to this kind of behavior because of the hand we've been dealt in losing our sweet girl.  I feel like people shouldn't pick on me, and find reasons to complain about me to others.  I feel like if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  I mean, I know this is a statement that has been around for so long, but it seems even more applicable when you've been forced to live in this kind of alternate reality, or Plan B.

I'm not going to go into details, I feel like that would be stooping to the level of this poor soul.  But I do want to express here how I really feel.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I pity this person.  What a sad life it must be, to skulk in the background and hide behind anonymity.  I think it's pretty stinkin' pathetic that you don't have anything better to do with your time, and your life than find ways to hurt other people...what a sad existence.  I'm sorry that you feel like you've been dealt such a horrible hand, but look around you, so many people have it worse than you (and worse than me - see, not whining), you really need to find a way to live your own life.  I pray that you find a way to do that.

On another note, this pitiful person isn't going to steal our happiness.  We simply can't waste any more time feeling this way.  So, we're letting it go.  I needed to vent, but I'm not holding on to it. 

Tomorrow is going to be better. 


  1. I know just what you mean. When you finally awaken from the depth of grief only to realize people are still the same stupid people before your world turned upside down.

  2. Way to let it fly Nicole! Life (and people) really are crummy sometimes huh? I'm sorry you've been hurt (again). I SOOO know what you mean about that profound change. I wish the world could see it from our new perspective sometimes too.

    Btw, I thought of you today. I bet the 19th is hard every month for you. I know for me it's like another tic mark on a countdown to nowhere. Keep hanging tough. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings with us.

    love and hugs and prayers coming your way!