Friday, March 25, 2011

5 Months

I've been really trying to stay positive.  I've been trying to just ride the waves of grief and weather the storm as gracefully as possible.  I'm not very good at this whole thing.  And, while it feels like it's been an eternity, it's only been 5 months since I said goodbye to my girl. 

Looking back over these last 5 months, I'm amazed at all that has come to pass.  I'm proud of how well I'm doing, good days and bad.  I am feeling glimpses of great hope.  I can see that life truly IS worth living still.

BUT, I'm also sad.  I am truly so sad.  I'm sad to be another month away from my baby.  The changing of the season is even kind of tough for me.  I struggle with seeing life move on.  I struggle with moving on myself.  There are parts of me that feel guilty for being pregnant again; the ultimate "move on."  I guess, if I tell the truth, the moving on scares me because I'm scared of everyone forgetting her.  And I don't even mean like forgetting she ever existed, but just forgetting her on a daily basis, or a weekly basis.  Of course, I know that people don't miss her like I do (except her Daddy...), but this is truly something that impacts my daily life.  The weight of missing her is so heavy, I've simply learned to carry it a little more efficiently, but I never put it down.  And, I guess, if I had the choice to put down the weight or forget about my sweet girl, I'll carry that weight until the end of time.

In talking to my dear friend, who has also lost a baby, she said, "You know, I would do it all again.  Even knowing the outcome, I would do it all again."  And I agree.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Knowing that I couldn't keep her, I would do it all over again, just to know her, just to feel her, just to know that she's waiting for me.  She's waiting for me.  And, I'm waiting for her...


  1. We just hit month 4 and I hate being so far away from Addison. I agree with you though, even with this life long sadness we carry I would do it all again. Thinking of you.

  2. In two short weeks it will be three months since we lost Emily Faith. There are days when I feel so far away from her. I agree with your friend, that even if I knew the outcome, I would do it again. Just having the time I did with her was amazaing. I just read Caroline's story. It is so beautifully written.
    I am so sorry for your loss. Praying that you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy with the new life growing inside you.