Wednesday, April 20, 2011

6 Months

This is a day that I don’t think I even knew I was dreading.  I hadn’t really given this new anniversary much thought.  Then suddenly, it hit me.  6 months.  Six months.  About 180 days.  It’s hard enough to pass an anniversary; one thing that’s kind of made it slightly more difficult for me is that this one just happens to be the date and the day.  Caroline passed away late in the evening of October 19th, a Tuesday.  We rushed to the hospital, they confirmed our worst nightmares, and induced me early on Wednesday, October 20.  I labored through the day, and had her at 7:27 pm.  I met my beautiful little girl, and I was never more in love, never more proud, never more broken.  And that brokenness has stayed around.  I am still broken.  I am still breaking. 

As I’m sure it happens with anyone else who has ever experienced a loss, it comes in waves.  There are good days and bad days.  There are happier days and sadder days.  And, I’ll be honest; I haven’t learned how to ride the waves very efficiently yet.  I’m still wiped out on the sad days.  And my happy days have shades of sadness to them.  But at least there are happy days.  When I had to say goodbye to that precious girl, I truly didn’t believe that there could be any happiness – ever again. 

We are learning to live again.  I think this is going to be a process that takes us a very long time.  But we’re so hopeful for the future.  Despite losing our sweet girl, we are incredibly blessed.  I’m so excited to be carrying Caroline’s little sister in my big ol’ belly as I type.  I’m starting to feel this little lady kick and move, and I feel like each flutter is a blessing from God.  I also feel like our baby Caroline is a little guardian angel watching her little sister.  So, in some small ways, Caroline is here with us still.

Sweet Girl,
You can't even dream how much I love you and how much I miss you.  My heart aches as I think of continuing life without you here.  Our family is not going to be whole until we're all up there in Heaven with you.  We know that you're up there being loved on by your grandfathers, your big cousin Brian, don't let him aggravate you too much!  We are so proud of you and all that your little life has meant to so many people.
Love you with my whole heart,