Monday, May 2, 2011

Happy Everything

Yes, I realize it's been a little while since Easter, but I haven't wished everyone a proper "Happy Easter."

So HAPPY EASTER from us to you!

How was Easter for all of you?  For me, it was okay...but it actually turned out to be tougher than I had anticipated.  It actually kind of surprised me.  Easter has always been one of my favorite days.  It's such an uplifting day, because of all it means to me as a Christian.  That didn't change, but there was a sadness attached to the day.  While it's a day about what Christ did for all of us, died on the cross and rose from the grave, in our society today, the day also has a large focus on children.  From the pretty little dresses to the Easter egg hunts, from the Easter baskets to the egg decorating, I was brutally aware of all we were missing out on this year.  Yes, I know, Caroline would have only been 6.5 months old, but I still would have celebrated so much with her.  I felt like I was deflated when the day was over.  Just the breath-stealing grief of missing her, it was painful.  We were able to get together with family, and that was wonderful, but part of me just wanted to hide and cry.  I suppose that it's for the best that our family is active and wants us to be there, it does keep me from hiding in my shell.  And honestly, if I just wanted to sit and cry, they'd let me...some would cry with me, all would understand.  I couldn't ask for a better family - on either side!

This past weekend, my mom's side of the family had a cookout/get-together/shower/party.  My cousin and his wife are expecting a little girl, and another cousin and his wife just finalized the adoption of their sweet little boy.   My family was really great about the shower aspect, and told me that I didn't even have to come if I didn't want to, and everyone would understand.  Because, honestly, going to a baby shower (especially for a little girl), was a nightmare for me.  I didn't think I was even going to be able to shop for a gift for her.  That came easier than I thought, then I started thinking, maybe I could actually go to the shower.  So, I decided to go for it.  My philosophy for this was that I wasn't going to let it be bad, I was going to suck it up and just do it.  I wanted to be there for my family.  And they were all there for me.  So, I survived...a baby shower, complete with little pink dresses, and pretty things.  Emotionally, I was okay while I was there, keeping busy, visiting with my sweet family.  It was a little tougher when I slowed down that night to go to bed...when I'm alone with my thoughts.

This coming weekend is a dreaded day for me (as I'm sure many of you will understand)...Mother's Day.  It's not that I don't want to celebrate my Mom and grandmothers.  I'm proud of them, and I want them to feel honored.  But honestly, I have to skip it.  I have told them that I'm basically just going to pretend it isn't a special day.  I'm not going to go to church, which would have been part of a normal non-holiday Sunday, because I just can't do the "honoring the mothers" thing that they'd do.  Because, other than my big belly, no one would know that I'm already a mother.  No one can tell by looking at me that I've given birth to a sweet little girl.  No one can see the mother's love that I have for my angel Caroline.  Since I don't have any living children (outside the womb), I'm generally overlooked by society as a real mother.  It breaks my heart.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and somehow pass my feelings about my little girl to the world.  I want everyone to know, "I HAVE A LITTLE GIRL, HER NAME IS CAROLINE.  I LOVE HER WITH MY WHOLE HEART.  SHE'S NOT HERE WITH ME AND I MISS HER WITH EVERYTHING I AM.  EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS STILLBORN, SHE STILL MATTERS!"  Thankfully, most people don't deny me that, and anyone who knows the situation has been gracious and kind.  I guess, I really just want it to be completely evident that I'm a mother, and I don't want to have to explain it.  But, that's just how it is...

On another note, Caroline's little sister officially has a name.  We don't officially know how we're going to spell it, but her name is Adalee Elizabeth.  Her first name means "God is our refuge."  Through this pregnancy, we have good days and bad days, anxiety wise.  We were having a rough day one day, and her Daddy asked God to give us some comfort that everything is going to be okay this time around, and he went online to a random verse generator, and Psalm 46:1 was the verse that came up.  "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."  And that's how our new little girl got her name, officially! :)

This is me and little Addie at 20 weeks!

Alrighty...well, that post got a little longer than I planned on.  I guess I just had a lot to say!

Hoping everyone is having a great week.


  1. You look great, hope you're feeling well. :)

  2. Oh Nicole! You look wonderful! And I LOVE the name. Sweet Addie.. . .it's perfect. But you're wrong on one thing. We CAN see the love you have for your little Caroline. You show it every day just by getting out of bed, by talking about her, but blessing her with a sister, by being YOU. You're great - keep it up :)

  3. I love the pictures, you look great! And I love her name , so sweet and the meaning is perfect!

    I know what you mean about Mother's Day. I am dreading it, too. I hope that the day is gentle for all of us loss mamas out there. <3

  4. I've followed your blog for a short time now and hope you don't mind me commenting.
    First, the name you chosen for your daughter is beautiful. Perfect. What a blessing to be able to give her a name with so much meaning and love behind it.
    Although I do not know the pain you feel, I am a mother and know that love you have for your sweet Caroline. Your love for her is evident in all that you do and this beautiful blog you have. That said, please except this wish of many blessings to you as a mother on this special day.