Parenting Advice - Or Something Like That

Yeah.  You know when you ask someone what they thing and they tell you?  That’s pretty cool.  How ‘bout when an old lady walks up to you and your cart (with your 5.5 month old in it) at Target and tells you what your baby wants?  No, not so cool.

Addalee and I went to Target to do a little shopping.  That girl is getting to the point where she’ll fight sleep, no matter what.  I knew that our shopping trip would coincide with nap time.  But, she enjoys riding in the car, and being pushed in the shopping cart, so I felt good about my timing.  She’s normally a great shopping buddy (which is pretty awesome, since I love shopping), but today she was having a grumpy day.  She was asleep when we got to the store and walked in.  She woke up as soon as I got her into the cart though.  She loves to look around, so we were just going about our business and “chatting” with each other.  She was soooo sleepy though, and started to fuss some.  Because she likes to look around so much, I covered up the top of her carseat (across the shade and handle…not over her face) with a little blanket.  Just so she wouldn’t have so much stimulation.  She could still see me.  I gave her a pacifier and she started trying to go to sleep. 

Back to my shopping list.  We were rounding a corner when she lost her paci…the horrors.  So, she cried some.  Granted, this was not the blood curdling scream of a hungry baby in Wal-Mart (hate that place) being neglected by super skank parents…this was a 2 second sleepy, grumpy, “give me my paci back” cry. Nonetheless, this kind lady decided to walk up to us, look into her carseat and tell me that she doesn’t like the blanket there.  She can’t see out.  Babies really like to see out.  Wow!  Thanks for the parenting tip!  I stayed polite though, and informed her that THIS baby was sleepy and really needed her nap.  To that, she said, “Well, you’re the mother…” 

Wow.  Just wow.  Yes, crazy lady.  I AM the mother.  Thank you so much for all your help.

I was shaken by that little encounter, and decided to finish up ASAP.  With Addalee being a happy camper again, we got in line.  We were playing with her toys while we waited, and another lady got in line behind us.  She came up to the cart so that she could see the baby, and Addalee gave her a precious little smile.  She told me about her children and their personalities…being friendly like Addie.  Then she asked me if this was my first.

Panic.

Slow motion… “Yes.”  Who said that?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!  Did I just say that?!  That sounded like my voice.  I’m almost certain that I said it, but have no idea how it happened.  I can’t believe I answered yes to that question.  It was too late for me to drop the real truth on her, so I just smiled and shook my head about how much of a blessing children are and how much they change your life…for the better.  She was being nice.  And I freaked out. 

I always say that Addalee is our second, and manage something about Caroline.  Of course, I don’t always go into the nitty gritty details of our life story, but I try to include her.  Sometimes I just say that Addie is our second child, and people don’t really ask much more.  Other times, I say that our first simply didn’t make it, or possibly even that she was stillborn in the 39^th week.  This time though, I didn’t.

I walked away from that shopping trip feeling pretty frazzled, honestly.  Who knew a Target run could be so exhausting?!

Thanksgiving and Such

I really need to start doing better about posting updates.  But, let's face it...life is busy.  And I may be a horrible time manager these days.  Back in my professional life, I did much better about it.  I was a To-Do lister from the word go.  I worked to make sure that I was accomplishing the tasks required to get the job done.  Now though, I don't make To-Do lists.  I basically just try to get as much done during the day as possible, but I feel so disorganized!  Honestly, I just try to keep up with little Ms. Addalee!  She does a pretty good job of telling me what needs to happen yet.  I spend more time with rattles and Kick and Play seats than I do at my sewing machine and craft table, and while the house is a wreck, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

This all leads me to what I'm thankful for this year.  I have so much to be thankful for.  In my last post, I shared some of my very personal and raw feelings about feeling jealousy and anger.  I was told by one person that I seemed ungrateful and insensitive.  I hate that she felt that way.  I really do.  I never want to hurt someone with my words, never.  That's not what this blog is about.  It's about healing and love, and sometimes crafts and recipes :)  I share what I feel from my heart.  So, I will reiterate that I'm sorry if my words hurt you or seemed insensitive.  But I can't apologize for how I felt and feel.  I'm so thankful for Addalee, and all the other tons of blessings showered on me.  In the same breath as my thankfulness and joy, are hurt and sorrow and longing for little Caroline.  But this is just the balance that I'm trying to learn to live with.  Most days, I hold my head up and go through my day...other days, I just go through the motions.

Depression has been something that I've battled for years.  There, I said it.  It's like a dirty little secret.  A skeleton in my closet.  My depression started being unmanageable when I was 18.  I was a senior in high school, and it got out of hand.  Through years of hard work and some medication from time to time, I have learned to live with it.  I have learned how to manage this dark cloud that just sweeps in sometimes.  I think that this depression still lurks.  I think that it hangs around and waits to jump on my back when it senses weakness...and sometimes, I feel weak.  I have been working really hard lately to keep this ugly monster at bay recently, and I'm tired of working on it, to be honest.  I think that's why I've been having more anger, jealousy, and sadness than I was having for a while.  But, I guess the first step is realizing you have a problem, right?  So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

Thankfully, (see how I brought it back around there...pretty good, huh?) I have a super supportive family and a bright eyed, generally smiley little girl here to help me out.  Addalee is growing so much and I want her to SLOW DOWN!  She had her first Thanksgiving this year and she is gearing up for her first Christmas!  She already gave us her wishlist!  That stinker!

My family doesn't really do a traditional, "What are you thankful for?" thing, but I wish they did.  So, since I didn't do an official list anywhere, I'm going to give a few things that I'm thankful for now.
1.  My salvation - my guarantee that I'll see all my loved ones again
2.  My daughters - they're both amazing girls, and they've both changed my life in huge ways
3.  My husband - my constant companion, my best friend, and my strong shoulder to cry on
4.  My family - a crazy bunch of people who love me, even though they know me
5.  My friends - always supportive and always there
6.  Provisions - having a comfortable house, good food, clean clothes, dependable car

Just a few pictures from our Thanksgiving:

Hey Jealousy

Jealousy.  Envy.  Covetousness.  The green-eyed monster.

Feeling jealous isn't something I enjoy, but I can't help it.  I manage to stay away from feeling jealous of the "shallow" things that consume some people...cars, money, status.  But lately I've really caught myself being jealous of families.  I'm jealous of families with more than one child.  I see a mom and 2 little girls and I cringe.  Yes, I have Addalee here, and I'm beyond thankful for that, but I have 2 daughters and I want my first one too!  I'm jealous that they haven't had their world rocked by loss.  I'm jealous that from the outside looking in their lives are perfect.  Ugh.

I know no one has a perfect life.  But I know that most people don't have to go through losing a child.  I know that many people sail through life seemingly unscathed.  And some days, this doesn't bother me...today I'm a little angry.

I try to stay away from the jealousy and anger as much as possible.  And I think I do a pretty good stinking job, but sometimes you just wanna scream!

So, here I am...screaming!  I feel better already!  :)

I guess a lot of my problem started the other day when I was at the craft store buying fabric to make some more blankets for families who lose their precious little ones.  I explained to the lady measuring and cutting the fabric what it was for and she said, "Oh how nice."  Yeah.  I know.  You're uncomfortable.  It's uncomfortable.  Deal with it.  So, I guess she just needed to say more...maybe she was just trying to be nice.  She said that she had once been to the funeral of a little boy, who was a twin, and the other twin was still living.  She talked about how hard that must have been.  (I agree, it would be hard...any child's funeral, make that ANY funeral is hard.)  I shared about our Caroline.  Even more uncomfortable.  Then she said 2 things that make me wanna throw some punches...something about a flower for a garden or whatever that mess is, and that it was probably for the best since something must have been wrong with her.  Wait, what?!  Backup, lady!  What??!!  Could you please speak into this mic, I have a backup right here (okay, now I'm just being dumb, but you get the point).  I kindly told her that there was NOTHING wrong with my child.  She was perfectly healthy, that it was a cord accident.  And I included that I wouldn't have cared what was wrong with her, she was my child and I love her and wanted her now matter what.  Then I got the heck outta there.

I'm really happy that Addalee was with me, otherwise I'm not sure how pretty that scene may have been!  Thankfully, she was right there with me, sleeping peacefully and beautifully.  It took one look at her to calm me down.  She doesn't take away missing her sister, but she sure does make life sweeter!

Ranting and Raving

Yeah, so I've been putting off writing a post like this, but I just need to get this out.  So, consider this your warning...I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, that is not my intention.  K, thanks!

One of my (LEAST) favorite things that people have said to me after losing Caroline is that God just needed another flower for His garden.  I'm going to type it again, and ask that you read it slowly, and really focus on what the words are saying..."God just needed another flower for His garden."  Okay, so let me dissect this...my beloved daughter, whom I had an entire life planned with was plucked (like how I stuck with the garden theme there!?) from our lives to be taken to Heaven to be a mere flower in the garden of God?  He chose MY child to be one of the zillions of measly little flowers in one of His zillions of gardens in Heaven?  Now, I'm not saying that Heaven is not a beautiful place.  I can't even fathom with my earthly perception what glory Heaven must be.  But I know that my child is more important than a flower.  I know this to be a fact.  Now, before you think that I'm just a big fat ogre, I know that people are trying to be helpful when they say things like this.  I have just heard it enough times now that I need to vent about it.  I normally just smile and nod to a comment like this, a comment that proves that this person doesn't get it.  Plain and simply, they do not understand because they've never had to live through something like this.  That is an incredible blessing to them, but their words, though well meaning, are incredibly hurtful and nerve-wracking for me.

Breathe.

Alright, moving on.  One more, and then I should be feeling lighter..."I have a good feeling about this pregnancy."  "I just believe everything is going to be okay this time, I just have that feeling."  This one actually confuses me a little bit.  It confuses me because part of me appreciates it, and then part of me doesn't know what to do with it.  I always want to ask them, "Did you know that Caroline was going to die!?"  "Did you have a BAD feeling about my pregnancy with Caroline!?"  I truly do know that the people who have said this to me are incredibly sweet and mean nothing but the nicest things.  So I'm not really ranting or venting about this one so much as just expressing that I don't really know how to handle it.  I've talked to Caroline's Daddy about this more than a few times.  Our consensus is that we didn't know that everything could go so horribly wrong in our pregnancy with Caroline.  We didn't know to have a good or bad feeling.  No one did.  We were naive, and how I miss that beautiful and light naivete.  I honestly believed that Caroline was going to come home and live here with us.  I had no idea that she was going to be an angel baby.  If I had known she was going to Heaven instead of her nursery, I wouldn't have taken such pains to prepare of her arrival.  I wouldn't have planned everything from her coming home outfit, to the packs of diapers on the changing table, to the car seat in the car for weeks before delivery...I would have bought that beautiful white Christening gown she was buried in, and visited the memorial people to pick out a headstone...but that's just NOT what you do when you're preparing for a baby!

It's this blind belief that all was going to be well in our little world that I fear now.  I fear it because I was so incredibly blindsided.  I still can't believe sometimes when I look back on everything that this is real.  I can't believe it all really happened.  I can't believe our sweet little Caroline passed away before she took her first breath.  It's all still so surreal.  But, it is reality.  It did happen.  Our beautiful girl, passed from the safety of my womb to Jesus' arms.  That is what really happened.

I am progressing through this pregnancy with Caroline's little sister with all of this behind me.  I go through each day with her, with the knowledge of all that we've lived through.  I am beyond blessed to be here.  Our family has been so incredibly loved and cared for since we lost our beautiful little girl.  And I am incredibly thankful that God blessed us with Caroline's little sister (and so quickly).  This pregnancy has had some bumps in the road.  We have had a couple of scares, but she seems to be growing into a beautiful and healthy little girl.  I am now right about 2 weeks away from delivering Ms. Addalee into the world.  Lord willing, she'll be alive and healthy.  I truly believe she will be, but I know all to well that you can make it to the end of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby and not get a healthy baby to take home.  So, I'm asking for prayers as we go through these next 2 weeks or so.  Prayers for Addalee's health and safety, prayers for our family's peace and sanity, and prayers for a healthy delivery of a live and happy little girl.

Again, I hope that my words haven't offended anyone.  I assure you, that was never my intention.  So, if I have offended, I truly do apologize!