Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Thanksgiving and Such

I really need to start doing better about posting updates.  But, let's face it...life is busy.  And I may be a horrible time manager these days.  Back in my professional life, I did much better about it.  I was a To-Do lister from the word go.  I worked to make sure that I was accomplishing the tasks required to get the job done.  Now though, I don't make To-Do lists.  I basically just try to get as much done during the day as possible, but I feel so disorganized!  Honestly, I just try to keep up with little Ms. Addalee!  She does a pretty good job of telling me what needs to happen yet.  I spend more time with rattles and Kick and Play seats than I do at my sewing machine and craft table, and while the house is a wreck, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

This all leads me to what I'm thankful for this year.  I have so much to be thankful for.  In my last post, I shared some of my very personal and raw feelings about feeling jealousy and anger.  I was told by one person that I seemed ungrateful and insensitive.  I hate that she felt that way.  I really do.  I never want to hurt someone with my words, never.  That's not what this blog is about.  It's about healing and love, and sometimes crafts and recipes :)  I share what I feel from my heart.  So, I will reiterate that I'm sorry if my words hurt you or seemed insensitive.  But I can't apologize for how I felt and feel.  I'm so thankful for Addalee, and all the other tons of blessings showered on me.  In the same breath as my thankfulness and joy, are hurt and sorrow and longing for little Caroline.  But this is just the balance that I'm trying to learn to live with.  Most days, I hold my head up and go through my day...other days, I just go through the motions.

Depression has been something that I've battled for years.  There, I said it.  It's like a dirty little secret.  A skeleton in my closet.  My depression started being unmanageable when I was 18.  I was a senior in high school, and it got out of hand.  Through years of hard work and some medication from time to time, I have learned to live with it.  I have learned how to manage this dark cloud that just sweeps in sometimes.  I think that this depression still lurks.  I think that it hangs around and waits to jump on my back when it senses weakness...and sometimes, I feel weak.  I have been working really hard lately to keep this ugly monster at bay recently, and I'm tired of working on it, to be honest.  I think that's why I've been having more anger, jealousy, and sadness than I was having for a while.  But, I guess the first step is realizing you have a problem, right?  So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

Thankfully, (see how I brought it back around there...pretty good, huh?) I have a super supportive family and a bright eyed, generally smiley little girl here to help me out.  Addalee is growing so much and I want her to SLOW DOWN!  She had her first Thanksgiving this year and she is gearing up for her first Christmas!  She already gave us her wishlist!  That stinker!

My family doesn't really do a traditional, "What are you thankful for?" thing, but I wish they did.  So, since I didn't do an official list anywhere, I'm going to give a few things that I'm thankful for now.
1.  My salvation - my guarantee that I'll see all my loved ones again
2.  My daughters - they're both amazing girls, and they've both changed my life in huge ways
3.  My husband - my constant companion, my best friend, and my strong shoulder to cry on
4.  My family - a crazy bunch of people who love me, even though they know me
5.  My friends - always supportive and always there
6.  Provisions - having a comfortable house, good food, clean clothes, dependable car

Just a few pictures from our Thanksgiving:


  1. Your posts do not come across as ungrateful to me whatsoever. Just because Addalee is here doesn't negate the fact you're grieving Caroline... You're more than entitled to thinking life has dealt you an unfair hand- because it has.

    Your Addalee is beautiful, and I love her bald little head. So sweet. :)

  2. I agree with LJ nothing about your posts have been ungrateful or insensitive. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm so sorry you were on the raw end of someone's bad day! I am so SO glad you have Addalee, but we both know having one baby doesn't make up for the missing one no matter what, they are each their own little people and they BOTH have a special place in my heart as do you!

    Love your pictures!

  3. I always enjoy reading your posts because they ARE so real. I (especially) appreciate the raw rantings that you sometimes share, because those of us who have been through this have all had similar moments. At least I know I have. Thanks for being real with us so I can feel "normal". :)