Sunday, August 14, 2011

Ranting and Raving

Yeah, so I've been putting off writing a post like this, but I just need to get this out.  So, consider this your warning...I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, that is not my intention.  K, thanks!

One of my (LEAST) favorite things that people have said to me after losing Caroline is that God just needed another flower for His garden.  I'm going to type it again, and ask that you read it slowly, and really focus on what the words are saying..."God just needed another flower for His garden."  Okay, so let me dissect this...my beloved daughter, whom I had an entire life planned with was plucked (like how I stuck with the garden theme there!?) from our lives to be taken to Heaven to be a mere flower in the garden of God?  He chose MY child to be one of the zillions of measly little flowers in one of His zillions of gardens in Heaven?  Now, I'm not saying that Heaven is not a beautiful place.  I can't even fathom with my earthly perception what glory Heaven must be.  But I know that my child is more important than a flower.  I know this to be a fact.  Now, before you think that I'm just a big fat ogre, I know that people are trying to be helpful when they say things like this.  I have just heard it enough times now that I need to vent about it.  I normally just smile and nod to a comment like this, a comment that proves that this person doesn't get it.  Plain and simply, they do not understand because they've never had to live through something like this.  That is an incredible blessing to them, but their words, though well meaning, are incredibly hurtful and nerve-wracking for me.


Alright, moving on.  One more, and then I should be feeling lighter..."I have a good feeling about this pregnancy."  "I just believe everything is going to be okay this time, I just have that feeling."  This one actually confuses me a little bit.  It confuses me because part of me appreciates it, and then part of me doesn't know what to do with it.  I always want to ask them, "Did you know that Caroline was going to die!?"  "Did you have a BAD feeling about my pregnancy with Caroline!?"  I truly do know that the people who have said this to me are incredibly sweet and mean nothing but the nicest things.  So I'm not really ranting or venting about this one so much as just expressing that I don't really know how to handle it.  I've talked to Caroline's Daddy about this more than a few times.  Our consensus is that we didn't know that everything could go so horribly wrong in our pregnancy with Caroline.  We didn't know to have a good or bad feeling.  No one did.  We were naive, and how I miss that beautiful and light naivete.  I honestly believed that Caroline was going to come home and live here with us.  I had no idea that she was going to be an angel baby.  If I had known she was going to Heaven instead of her nursery, I wouldn't have taken such pains to prepare of her arrival.  I wouldn't have planned everything from her coming home outfit, to the packs of diapers on the changing table, to the car seat in the car for weeks before delivery...I would have bought that beautiful white Christening gown she was buried in, and visited the memorial people to pick out a headstone...but that's just NOT what you do when you're preparing for a baby!

It's this blind belief that all was going to be well in our little world that I fear now.  I fear it because I was so incredibly blindsided.  I still can't believe sometimes when I look back on everything that this is real.  I can't believe it all really happened.  I can't believe our sweet little Caroline passed away before she took her first breath.  It's all still so surreal.  But, it is reality.  It did happen.  Our beautiful girl, passed from the safety of my womb to Jesus' arms.  That is what really happened.

I am progressing through this pregnancy with Caroline's little sister with all of this behind me.  I go through each day with her, with the knowledge of all that we've lived through.  I am beyond blessed to be here.  Our family has been so incredibly loved and cared for since we lost our beautiful little girl.  And I am incredibly thankful that God blessed us with Caroline's little sister (and so quickly).  This pregnancy has had some bumps in the road.  We have had a couple of scares, but she seems to be growing into a beautiful and healthy little girl.  I am now right about 2 weeks away from delivering Ms. Addalee into the world.  Lord willing, she'll be alive and healthy.  I truly believe she will be, but I know all to well that you can make it to the end of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby and not get a healthy baby to take home.  So, I'm asking for prayers as we go through these next 2 weeks or so.  Prayers for Addalee's health and safety, prayers for our family's peace and sanity, and prayers for a healthy delivery of a live and happy little girl.

Again, I hope that my words haven't offended anyone.  I assure you, that was never my intention.  So, if I have offended, I truly do apologize!


  1. I think people just don't know what to say. I've had so many people ask what is wrong with me. My Memaw told me the other day, now we have this baby, we want to keep it. So take care of yourself(as if I didn't before). It just seems far away to most that babies actually die, or how hurtful it is so I think thats why they say those things.
    It's good to rant sometimes;)
    I'm so happy miss Addalee is doing well in your tummy!:) I'm praying for your peace and comfort as you go through delivery again. I know it won't be easy. Hugs!

  2. I'll keep your family in my prayers that Addalee comes soon, safely and healthy.

    Suffering from infertility, I just hate when people say, "I guess God is saying it's not your time yet." Well then why is it time (and time again) for addicted mothers to have them? Ohh..I could go on and on with what people say! hehe
    BUT it's much better to focus on your baby!
    Prayers and positive thoughts for you.

  3. I think you wrote a lovely and wonderful piece about the thoughtless things we have all heard and faced.

    But,I would be remiss without asking.

    People said things that more than offended you, they hurt you. At a time in your life when you were already broken, their words hurt you a bit more.

    Why then, when you wrote truth, would you feel like you had to apologize? You weren't mean - you didn't call the people who said rude things to names, you didn't slander them. You pointed out that people say stupid things, and those stupid things hurt.

    Please - don't apologize for that. Don't be like that - don't buy into that idea of femininity that says you have to apologize for your feelings. Don't try and own other people's feelings as you worry you have offended them. That's their problem, not yours.

    You are allowed to be hurt by stupid things and you aren't required to apologize for expressing your feelings.

  4. I agree with every word Mrs Spit said. YOU don't have to apologize for anything. You were hurt by someone's words. All you are doing is speaking the truth. And thank you for speaking it!

  5. I couldn't agree more with your post, Nicole. And I agree, no need for apology. You are a grieving mother who has been hurt by others need to try to explain things that have no explanation.

    Two weeks!!! You are getting so close and I know that your nerves must be in over drive. Try to breathe...easier said than done, I know. I will be thinking of you and praying for the safe arrival of Caroline's little sister. Lots of love.

  6. Rant and rave all you want, I hate those kinds of comments too!

    Glad it's almost time for Caroline's little sister :)