Jealousy. Envy. Covetousness. The green-eyed monster.
Feeling jealous isn't something I enjoy, but I can't help it. I manage to stay away from feeling jealous of the "shallow" things that consume some people...cars, money, status. But lately I've really caught myself being jealous of families. I'm jealous of families with more than one child. I see a mom and 2 little girls and I cringe. Yes, I have Addalee here, and I'm beyond thankful for that, but I have 2 daughters and I want my first one too! I'm jealous that they haven't had their world rocked by loss. I'm jealous thatfrom the outside looking in their lives are perfect. Ugh.
I know no one has a perfect life. But I know that most people don't have to go through losing a child. I know that many people sail through life seemingly unscathed. And some days, this doesn't bother me...today I'm a little angry.
I try to stay away from the jealousy and anger as much as possible. And I think I do a pretty good stinking job, but sometimes you just wanna scream!
So, here I am...screaming! I feel better already! :)
I guess a lot of my problem started the other day when I was at the craft store buying fabric to make some more blankets for families who lose their precious little ones. I explained to the lady measuring and cutting the fabric what it was for and she said, "Oh how nice." Yeah. I know. You're uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. Deal with it. So, I guess she just needed to say more...maybe she was just trying to be nice. She said that she had once been to the funeral of a little boy, who was a twin, and the other twin was still living. She talked about how hard that must have been. (I agree, it would be hard...any child's funeral, make that ANY funeral is hard.) I shared about our Caroline. Even more uncomfortable. Then she said 2 things that make me wanna throw some punches...something about a flower for a garden or whatever that mess is, and that it was probably for the best since something must have been wrong with her. Wait, what?! Backup, lady! What??!! Could you please speak into this mic, I have a backup right here (okay, now I'm just being dumb, but you get the point). I kindly told her that there was NOTHING wrong with my child. She was perfectly healthy, that it was a cord accident. And I included that I wouldn't have cared what was wrong with her, she was my child and I love her and wanted her now matter what. Then I got the heck outta there.
I'm really happy that Addalee was with me, otherwise I'm not sure how pretty that scene may have been! Thankfully, she was right there with me, sleeping peacefully and beautifully. It took one look at her to calm me down. She doesn't take away missing her sister, but she sure does make life sweeter!
Feeling jealous isn't something I enjoy, but I can't help it. I manage to stay away from feeling jealous of the "shallow" things that consume some people...cars, money, status. But lately I've really caught myself being jealous of families. I'm jealous of families with more than one child. I see a mom and 2 little girls and I cringe. Yes, I have Addalee here, and I'm beyond thankful for that, but I have 2 daughters and I want my first one too! I'm jealous that they haven't had their world rocked by loss. I'm jealous that
I know no one has a perfect life. But I know that most people don't have to go through losing a child. I know that many people sail through life seemingly unscathed. And some days, this doesn't bother me...today I'm a little angry.
I try to stay away from the jealousy and anger as much as possible. And I think I do a pretty good stinking job, but sometimes you just wanna scream!
So, here I am...screaming! I feel better already! :)
I guess a lot of my problem started the other day when I was at the craft store buying fabric to make some more blankets for families who lose their precious little ones. I explained to the lady measuring and cutting the fabric what it was for and she said, "Oh how nice." Yeah. I know. You're uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. Deal with it. So, I guess she just needed to say more...maybe she was just trying to be nice. She said that she had once been to the funeral of a little boy, who was a twin, and the other twin was still living. She talked about how hard that must have been. (I agree, it would be hard...any child's funeral, make that ANY funeral is hard.) I shared about our Caroline. Even more uncomfortable. Then she said 2 things that make me wanna throw some punches...something about a flower for a garden or whatever that mess is, and that it was probably for the best since something must have been wrong with her. Wait, what?! Backup, lady! What??!! Could you please speak into this mic, I have a backup right here (okay, now I'm just being dumb, but you get the point). I kindly told her that there was NOTHING wrong with my child. She was perfectly healthy, that it was a cord accident. And I included that I wouldn't have cared what was wrong with her, she was my child and I love her and wanted her now matter what. Then I got the heck outta there.
I'm really happy that Addalee was with me, otherwise I'm not sure how pretty that scene may have been! Thankfully, she was right there with me, sleeping peacefully and beautifully. It took one look at her to calm me down. She doesn't take away missing her sister, but she sure does make life sweeter!
Before I was jealous of any pregnant woman or any woman with a baby girl. Now like you I cringe when I see someone with two kids or one with one on the way...why them...why not me...why must this be our lives. No matter what our family will never be complete and I just can't let go of how unfair that is. I'm glad getting it out here was helpful to you...love this place!
ReplyDeleteThat lady at the fabric store...that unknowing ignorant woman...if only we lived in the same work she does where babies don't die for no reason. I understand her ignorance, but now I can't help, but feel the need to "educate" people like her. I'm glad you set her straight on Caroline, but it does still leave a sting once you leave the situation. There will always be people like her...ugh...maybe it would be easier if we went around wearing education billboards everywhere we go...it could be the new fashion craze...no?!? :) love to you my friend and missing Caroline right along with you.
Hugs sweetie!!!! I think it's totally normal to feel that way. Sometimes I have felt guilty for feeling jealous or upset over friends who had new baby girls when I had healthy kids at home...
ReplyDeleteOur situations are different, but it REALLY hurts when some well meaning person tells me my child is now an angel, or a butterfly or something silly. And I've had lots of people ask me what was wrong with Ryan. Well meaning people just say the wrong things...
Thinking of your sweet perfect Caroline!!!
Ugh - right there with you. Not only did we lose our children, but it's hard to even be completely happy for people who ARE lucky and don't realize how lucky they are. It's just hard to see the happiness people have when they have kids (especially their first) and not think "why me? Why didn't my family get that?"
ReplyDeletebut yes, these sweet rainbows sure do give us reasons to be happy and sometimes reasons to be calm :)
That comment, "There must have been something wrong," pisses me off like no other. We've heard it, too. In our case, my body failed, not my twins, but lately I have realized I have to be careful how I reply to that comment or I essentially throw myself under the bus with blame. Really, I just wish people would say, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I've had a post brewing in my head all week with the same title and similar topic as yours. I may not write it...too many family members read my blog and one of ours is expecting - thus the source of my jealousy. The whole thing sucks.