Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Mountains and Molehills

Hello again, world. I’m still here, and I’m still kicking. Things have just been so busy lately! So I apologize for not posting much recently.

I want to start off by expressing my sincere thanks to all of you out there who offer support...you'll never know how much it means to me. Those of you who comment and understand where I'm coming from are invaluable to me. Those of you who offer support in the background, thank you so much. I need so much support to face each day. It seems that each day is a new challenge. Some days I actually feel like I can accept the challenge, and at least face it with dignity. While, some others, I honestly want to run screaming at the sight of the challenge.

Today's challenge involved work. I'll be completely honest; I'm struggling to find my new normal here. I've managed to figure out where I fall in most things, but work isn't so easily organized. I would love to just jump back in as if nothing ever happened, but that simply isn't possible. I'm not the same person I once was. My skin is much thinner. My feelings are rawer.

There's a vulnerability I haven't had my entire adult life. I used to be a planner and a go-getter. Now, I am finding that I forget things easily. I’m shaken in my stability to perform professionally, because honestly, some days it’s still a challenge to get out of the bed. My boss and his boss are both understanding and really good people. I’m thankful to work for them, and I don’t want to let them down. I’m scared to let them down. I’m scared I can’t be a useful team member. I’m scared.

Back to the challenge of today: we had a meeting. So you’re probably thinking, “What’s the big deal!?” Well, there are 2 big deals: One was that I was meeting with some people that I haven’t seen since I was pregnant. A very nice and well-meaning lady asked me if I was getting back in to the swing of work and dealing with a baby. The people around who knew the situation were SHOCKED. They were probably more uncomfortable than I was. I believe I handled it well, and just told her that Caroline was stillborn, and that I didn’t want her to feel bad for asking. But still, ouch. Then, the second big deal is that it was in the same room where my work friends threw me a shower for Caroline. I walked in and had to pretend to be okay, but I was punched in the gut. I excused myself to the restroom for a little private sob, and then I went back in. I fought tears all day.

Things overall are going well, though. I actually have some news to announce. My husband and I are expecting again! We’re cautiously excited for the hope to have a baby live at home with us. I am in my 9th week right now, so I’m not very far along at all, but everything is looking good so far. The doctor is very optimistic, so we’re trying to hold onto that.

This is a very exciting and scary journey. It brings up all kinds of conflicting and difficult feelings after losing a child. Part of me is scared that Caroline will be forgotten by some. I know without a doubt that I’ll never forget her, not even a little bit. It isn’t possible. But for others, I think she might just be glossed over. She might just be part of an unfortunate life event that doesn’t really need to be thought of or discussed. But to me, she’s my daughter. She lived inside my womb for almost 40 weeks. I knew her, intimately. She was a part of me. And a part of me is still with her. I don’t want everyone to have to hurt like I do, but it would be nice if people missed her like I do, like her Daddy does.

This blog is still going to be about us: Caroline’s family. It’s going to take a little turn from time to time to focus on the promise of new life. It isn’t going to become a pregnancy journal. It’s going to be a place for her family to share our lives. We share in hopes that we can help ourselves, and ultimately help others.


  1. Congratulations Nicole. I will keep your precious baby in my prayers. I know I don't " know you" but know that I'm really praying for you. The loss of my daughter has made me so much more compassionate and vulnerable also. I have been on my knees praying for women I don't know, because my heart hurts so bad for them.

  2. Congratulations on your wonderful news!

  3. Nicole... I love you, Sweet Caroline will never be forgotten in our family. I am so happy for you and Arthur, and I confess terrified and in awe at the same time. God has given you so much strength and so much love .. your testimony is great. I cannot wait to meet Baby Ramsey in this journaling journey, because I know Caroline will be right up front co-piloting this trip.