The sickness has been skulking around our house for over a week now. It started with what I think was a stomach bug for Addalee, and then morphed into a semi-high fever and a pitiful sick little girl. After getting her to the doctor and on the mend, Arthur and I started having some allergy/cold type gunk. I don’t get sick often, so I’m kind of a giant baby when I do. Poor hubby.
Something about dealing with sickness has made me miss Caroline all the more. It seems like whenever we go through things with Addalee, I think more about Caroline. I wonder how much more prepared for things I would have been if she had lived. I mean, of course I would be more prepared…I would have a 1.5 year old; I would have been through a bunch of this before! But then, as I’ve talked a little about before, I wonder how much less of a crazy person I would be about it. In the name of full disclosure, I’ll just tell you that I thought of all the worst case scenarios when her fever kept climbing. I envisioned a trip to the ER followed by a bunch of doctors, lots of tests, tubes, IVs, beeping equipment, etc. I know that’s not what happens when kids get a minor infection. But my mind always jumps there…possibly since I wouldn’t let it that horrible night with Caroline, and then we lived the worst case scenario.
I’m pleased to announce that despite my wondering mind, I kept myself under control. I gave her meds and kept her comfy, snuggled her, and kissed her hot little head. I loved her harder because she was sick and she needed her mom. I loved her harder because I didn’t get to care for her big sister that way. I loved her harder thinking that maybe Caroline could feel it.
I guess it’s just a constant ebb and flow. Sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and able to handle things as they come, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed and truthfully, kind of scared. Sometimes the grief I still carry missing Caroline is bearable, and sometimes I feel like it’s so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe. But I keep managing and surviving, with lots of love, help, grace, and encouragement.