Tuesday, April 17, 2012


The sickness has been skulking around our house for over a week now.  It started with what I think was a stomach bug for Addalee, and then morphed into a semi-high fever and a pitiful sick little girl.  After getting her to the doctor and on the mend, Arthur and I started having some allergy/cold type gunk.  I don’t get sick often, so I’m kind of a giant baby when I do.  Poor hubby.

Something about dealing with sickness has made me miss Caroline all the more.  It seems like whenever we go through things with Addalee, I think more about Caroline.  I wonder how much more prepared for things I would have been if she had lived.  I mean, of course I would be more prepared…I would have a 1.5 year old; I would have been through a bunch of this before!  But then, as I’ve talked a little about before, I wonder how much less of a crazy person I would be about it.  In the name of full disclosure, I’ll just tell you that I thought of all the worst case scenarios when her fever kept climbing.  I envisioned a trip to the ER followed by a bunch of doctors, lots of tests, tubes, IVs, beeping equipment, etc.  I know that’s not what happens when kids get a minor infection.  But my mind always jumps there…possibly since I wouldn’t let it that horrible night with Caroline, and then we lived the worst case scenario. 

I’m pleased to announce that despite my wondering mind, I kept myself under control.  I gave her meds and kept her comfy, snuggled her, and kissed her hot little head.  I loved her harder because she was sick and she needed her mom.  I loved her harder because I didn’t get to care for her big sister that way.  I loved her harder thinking that maybe Caroline could feel it.

I guess it’s just a constant ebb and flow.  Sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and able to handle things as they come, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed and truthfully, kind of scared.  Sometimes the grief I still carry missing Caroline is bearable, and sometimes I feel like it’s so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe.  But I keep managing and surviving, with lots of love, help, grace, and encouragement.  


  1. I hope you and your hubby are better soon!! Or are better? Anyway. Im glad Addalee is better. Sweet girl! So sorry she got sick! Yuck!

    I'm praying for you. Thanks for sharing your emotions..you're a wonderful mommy to Addalee and to her big sister.

  2. "I loved her harder because maybe Caroline could feel it". Yup, this is what Akers you an awesome mommy... Because its your instinct to love like this.

    Hope you all start feeling better soon.

  3. I'm sorry your baby was sick. I know what you mean about missing your other baby more in situations like that. I love what you said about loving her harder. I have no doubts that both your girls felt and feel your love on a continual basis

  4. Poor little girl :( Good job, mama. Hope you don't get too sick.