Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Balance

I signed in to check in and catch up on reading some other blogs before I wrote my post.  I was thinking of all the things going on in my life, then I saw something that truly stopped me in my tracks.  I’m sure some of you know Becky, and have followed her pregnancy with their rainbow baby, Evelynn.  Sadly, beautiful Evelynn passed away only 2 days after her birth.  I did not have the pleasure of knowing Becky until reading of her sad news, but my heart breaks for her and her family.  To think that something this terrible can happen once is a nightmare.  But to think that it could ever, EVER happen to the same family more than once is really too awful for words.  Please remember their family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Things in my little corner of the word are going as smoothly as can be expected.  We’ve been super busy and that can make things hectic.  Addalee is cutting her first tooth, and that’s making me feel all sorts of things that I’m not completely sure how to balance.  I’m thrilled that she’s growing as she should be, but sad to see that big toothless grin go away.  Then there’s the more complex side of the emotion.  Getting teeth – it’s a milestone.  Milestones make me think of the girl that isn’t here.  Milestones make me realize what we missed out on with Caroline.

I’m not completely sure how to balance the joys of raising Addalee with the pain and sadness of missing Caroline.  I’m not even sure how to balance it here on this blog.  I mean, to most of the world, I just smile and beam about all the wonderful things in my life, never really letting the sadness out.  But behind closed doors, sometimes in the dark of night, I cry, I weep, I ache for the daughter that I had to let go.  I don’t know if I should talk about all the awesome things going on with Addalee (partly for fear of seeming insensitive to any mothers (or fathers) that haven’t been able to have their rainbow babies (see story above)), or if I should kind of leave her out of this blog.  The thing is, she’s a huge part of my life, just as Caroline continues to be.  I know I can, in theory, use this space to say anything I want, but I would hate to think of hurting someone’s already broken feelings.  So yeah, I don’t know how to balance it.  Not in real life, not in blog life.  You'd think that I'd have it at least kind of figured out by now.


  1. I think you should write about whatever you want. You've certainly earned the right to be able to be happy about your life with Addalee and I for one would love to read about it.

  2. Nicole, When I started my blog I asked my husband if I should make it just about Jonathan, or about our whole family. I was starting it to document my feeling over Jonathan. He told me....well you would not have a blog for just one of our living children, so why would you have one just for him. This made sense to me because I want Jonathan to be a part of our family treated like everyone else no more and no LESS. So my blog is just my life journal that includes my living kids and my Jonathan in heaven. I have to say it dose really hurt me to think that someone would be hurt by seeing my living children and they do not have any. I think you know that no other child can replace our sweet child in heaven. So I feel the same way in many ways, but this is the life i live, it includes many children and my broken heart over Jonathan. I think in the long run when you look back on your blog, years from now you will be very thankful for your post on Addalee. This is your story and it is beautiful! When I first went blog hopping after Jonathan was born there was so many abandon BLM blogs because after years it is hard to write new stuff. If you include Addalee here, then Caroline's story goes on and on as her big sister. Sorry this is really long I just feel kind of passionate about this subject. I did visit Becky's blog my heart aches for her and I am saying lots of prayers. Hugs thanks for sharing your heart.

  3. I don't understand why. I cannot imagine what Becky is going through. Makes my heart ache.
    Addalee is a huge part of who you are and I think people enjoy seeing and reading about your sweet rainbow. Just like the people who read this blog understand that Caroline is such a huge part of your life always.