Tuesday, April 24, 2012

18 Months

It’s been a year and a half.  She’d be 18 months old.  I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what a day in the life of an 18 month old would be like and I don’t have the guts to read those emails that I STILL get from time to time.  I miss her.

I can’t believe it’s been so long and that we’re headed for her 2nd birthday.  So much has happened.  So much has changed.  So much has stayed the same in my heart though. 

Having Addalee here has been a great distraction.  She’s a blessing and ray of sunshine in our lives.  I only hope that we are able to honor Caroline in being Addie’s parents.  I hope she knows how much we love her and miss her.

I’ll be honest, I’m still a little nervous about Mother’s Day.  Last year, it was kind of one of the crappiest things I could think of.  All those stupid cards in the stores, the sappy commercials on TV, yuck.  Even though I have a living daughter here, Mother’s Day just doesn’t make me all that happy.  I hope this is something that will change.  I hope that it will lose its bitterness.  I hope that it will just be a good day in the coming years.  Only time will tell.

Addalee is 8 months old now and full of personality.  She’s such a booger!  She laughs, spits, squeals, kicks, and screams in excitement.  You can’t help but share in her joy.  She’s swaddle free now…yes, it took us 8 months, so what?! ;)  She has a serious independent streak and loves to do things on her own.  I guess I’m just lucky she still needs me to do some things for her or she’d probably just get her own place! 


  1. I dread mothers day too. I don't want to hear "happy FIRST mothers day" just because I have a living baby. I think it's a tough day for all is BLMs - even of we've been fortunate enough to have a Rainbow baby.

    That picture is beautiful. Wishing Caroline was here with you.

  2. What a sweet picture! I'm pretty meh on mothers day too.


  3. Oh my heart breaks for you, this will be my first mothers day with a loss. I know my whole world has changed. I know another baby could never replace Jonathan and all of my children can not make up for his death. I would love id you joined the link-up today for grieving mommies. I am saying a prayer for you now.(((Hugs)))

  4. Thinking of your sweet Caroline, Nicole. I am dreading Mother's Day this year. Maybe not quite as much as last year, but I still don't want any part of it. It's just too sad for me.

    That picture is so beautiful and just breaks my heart. Looking at it, I feel like I'm in the room with you in your family. I look at you in that hospital bed and it takes me back to when I was lying in that bed. I have so many days that I wish this wasn't my reality, or yours.

    Love to you, friend.

  5. That is a beautiful picture. <3 Very special to see all that love being showered on Caroline. I am dreading Mother's Day, too. It will be bittersweet, that is for sure.

  6. 18 months too long...I love that picture. It's beautiful. Hugs sweet friend!!!!
    Always praying for you!

  7. Love the photo.

    Mothers Day will never be quite what I always imagined and hoped for when I was still expecting Jack... It'll always be a little worse, even though my rainbow should be here in time for this years "event".

    I too struggle with imagining what life should have been with a 16 month old... I can't imagine, but I do know it would be wonderful.

  8. I hope you had a pleasant, peaceful Mother's Day. A beautiful day of celebrating being Caroline's mama. Forever. It's been two years and 3 months since I held my girl. I can't believe how much time has passed.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

  9. ...and I know what you mean about getting the updates about what your "so and so much old is doing now." Sometimes, I google things I probably shouldn't. Just so many questions...