Monday, January 9, 2012

Rainy Days and Mondays

I hate it, but it seems like some of my harder days do coincide with dreary weather.  We've had several dreary days, and I think they're taking a toll on me.  The other night, I was laying in bed, and it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks, I realized that we really did lose Caroline.  It was like I had been living in a dream for a time, and crashed back into real life.  I never have forgotten her, not for a second.  But it was almost like I was living a story, almost like it was too awful to be real.  But it was.  It is.  It hurt.  All over again.  All I could do was cry.  And since that night, I've been in a funk.  

I guess it kind of started when we made plans to attend a birthday party for some friends' daughter.  She turned 2.  They invited us, and for the first time since we lost Caroline, I was okay with going to a child's birthday.  I didn't skip a beat, we were just going to be there.  It was Addalee's first birthday party!  I was excited.  After buying a little gift and thinking about what it was going to be like, I was sad.  I was sad because Caroline isn't here and we should have been going to her little friends' birthday parties.  We should have gone to my closest friends' daughters' birthday parties that I had to bow out of because no one wants the scary crying lady at their kids' party!  

Long story short on the birthday party...it was very nice.  A good time was had by all, but it was bittersweet for me.  I guess so many things will be, and I'm just sad about that.  I think something else that's getting to me, is watching the wonders of Addalee growing up.  She's already 4 months old!  She is amazing!  She's funny and sweet and curious and crazy.  She's beautiful and fun and a buddy.  We missed so much with Caroline, and I hate that.

But, just as the weather will inevitably clear, this funk will lift off of me.  I'm ready.  I miss my girl, even on the sunshiny days, but these rainy days seem to get me down.


  1. I do believe the weather plays a role...not every time, but enough! Grief is sneaky...it lets you believe things are getting better and then WHAM! Right back to our knees! Every once in a while I start believing that we didn't really lose Addison, it didn't really happen to us and then WHAM! Oh yeah...reality bites! Missing Caroline with you and wishing our firstborn daughters were here with us instead of the terrible reality we face!

  2. I'm so sorry, Nicole. It's strange how lack of sun will really get me in a funk. I really get you on that. I know what you mean about it hitting you. I'm way way past the point of shock, and it's a definite part of my reality that Georgie is not with me, but it's like I have moments where it hits me really hard, just like you described. What a burden we mamas have been given. Love and prayers for you, dear friend.

  3. It hits me like that too. At times I just think "wow - that really happened, we really had this baby and he was perfect and dead and now we are living life without him" I think it's normal for our minds and our hearts almost to be surprised by it all even after time has passed and other children have blessed our lives. Because it was not supposed to be like this and we will forever be in shock of it all.

    Wishing Caroline were there with you, going to those parties and getting some of her own. She so deserved that. That and so, so much more.