Monday, January 24, 2011

Fell On Black Days

Warning: This is probably not going to be a pleasant or uplifting post.

Okay, so what do you do when you’ve tried your hardest, and things still don’t go right? I’m not speaking specifically to our experience with Caroline, even though I did try my hardest to bring a happy and healthy baby into the world. I’m talking about things like your job, some relationships, tests, goals, hopes, etc. I’m having a day where I just don’t feel good. I don’t really know how else to say it…I am not in a good place.

I’m not a person who deals with failure very well. I’ve tried to set fairly high standards for myself all through my life. And I’ve managed to come pretty close to meeting those standards at many points. I’ve fallen on my face more than a few times too. Today, I feel kind of like I’ve fallen on my face again. Since everything happened with Caroline, I just can’t quite get back into the swing. My mind doesn’t stay focused on things, my skin, which used to be fairly thick, is pretty much transparent. I’m vulnerable. I’m scared. And I feel like a big fat failure.

From the day that I found out that I was pregnant with Caroline, I knew that I had to step up my game. I knew that I had to work hard, love hard, and play hard. I was having a baby. I was going to be a mommy. I had to be someone worth being proud of. I wanted her to be proud of her mommy. I wanted Arthur to be proud of his wife and the mother of his little girl. I was prepared to do that. But the ground fell out from under me. Now I feel like I’m starting from almost nothing.

Part of what is bothering me is probably not really worth getting bent out of shape over, but I tried my hardest, and it didn’t work. What’s bothering me today is my professional life, in addition to the regular stresses of life. I tried hard. My hardest. And still, it didn’t work out. I got some feedback today that wasn’t necessarily horrible, but it certainly wasn’t good. And I probably shouldn’t have let it hurt my feelings, but my feelings are just so raw, so exposed. I’m just not sure that I can withstand the corporate jungle and getting ripped to shreds, not anymore.

I want to sleep. I want to cry. I don’t want to face it again tomorrow. I know I have to though, and that is really tough too. Today is a day that makes me just want to go to bed and cover up my head.


  1. I think we're all much more fragile and vulnerable since losing our babies. I don't know if we ever get back to our old selves after something like this. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You've been through a lot.

  2. I know I've a lot more fragile since I lost my daughter. I think its something we all experience after losing our children. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you're anything like me, a person who likes to be in control, its going to be hard to adjust to this new life. I feel like I can't control anything, but I'm learning to just go with the flow. Many hugs to you momma!

  3. I'm sorry you had a bad day! Praying that tomorrow is better. Keep your head up!

  4. I'm reading this, and I'm wondering where there's room for God. I know, often, I make my faith so much about me that I shove God to the sidelines, because there isn't room for him. I become less real, less authentic, less broken because I want to project an image. I want to be the good Christian, the good grieving mother. And then, suddenly, in the midst of failure, I realize, I laid that burden on myself. God never asked it of me. He asked me to be real, to love Him, to do my best to serve not me and my image, but Him.

    Where I fail, especially fail spectacularly, that's where I give God room to work - it becomes not about me, but about Him.

    I'm sorry for the hard feedback. It's hard to take another hit when you are already down.

  5. My New Normal – You’re right, I don’t think we ever get to go back to our old selves. I sure do wish I could figure out this new normal…

    Mary – Can you see me through this thing!?!? *taps screen* Yes, I have been known to be a bit of a control freak. Like you, I feel like I can’t control ANYTHING. Going with the flow has been on my to-do list for at least 20 years, and is yet to be marked off. So, it’s just something else to work on! Hugs to you too!

    Ashley – Thanks…I need all the prayers I can get!

    Mrs. Spit – Thank you for your comment. I do need to stop trying to do it all myself. I get lost in between handling things myself and allowing God to work. I have never been able to really find that balance. I don’t want to sit back and do nothing when God wants me to do something, but I also don’t want to work over top of Him, and ruin any good things He’s doing. I’m going to work harder to hand this whole situation over to Him.