Friday, January 14, 2011

The Lunch of Many Emotions

Well, happy Friday, World. I hope that everyone has had a good week. Around here, it’s been a snowy/icy one. It’s produced a couple of snow days and some fun pictures. But I’m kind of over being SUPER cold! I might just be looking for something to complain about though. You might just have to overlook me!

I’m coming to you right now from a tough day. I don’t really know what makes one day harder than another, but sure enough, they are each different. I’ve had some waves of emotion come over me this week that I wasn’t expecting. You’d think that I’d pretty much be ready for anything at this point…grieving shouldn’t surprise me anymore. Yet, as I sat in the crowded restaurant at lunch today, with tears streaming down my face; I was surprised.

Sometimes, seeing children and babies is nice for me, sometimes it feels like someone just kicked me in the chest. It actually varies from minute to minute, child to child, mother to mother. Arthur and I were sitting in a little restaurant having our lunch, and a lady came in pushing a Chicco stroller (the same green stroller that Arthur and I shopped for, test drove, and thought about buying just a few months ago) with a little bundled up baby with a pink hat. I couldn’t see her face. I didn’t need to. I saw that green stroller, that pink hat, that smiling mom, that bulging diaper bag. And, I fell apart. Part of me wanted to be embarrassed. Part of me was defiant. I almost wanted people to see me and ask what was wrong. At least that way I could share my story. I could share that I also have a daughter. She would have been strolled around by me with a big smile on my face, but she didn’t get to stay. I have a daughter. I have a daughter who isn’t here. I have a daughter, and that’s who I miss. That is why I’m crying.

I think the Happy-Smiling-Mommy saw me. She looked at me, but tried not to stare. I’m sure she wondered what was wrong with me. I’m sure she wanted to protect her baby from the weirdo lady crying at her table a few feet away. I don’t know if I blame her. I’m pretty certain that I would be the very protective Mama Bear if Ms. Caroline was with me.

I did manage to pull myself together and finish my lunch. Thankfully, Arthur was there to share silly stories with me until I laughed. (Love that boy!) Then we went and bought a cookie for me and a chai latte for him. We decided to walk around the square and just enjoy the sunshine. We saw that a crowd was kind of forming at one end of the square…as we got closer, we saw why: 2 girls in bikinis and high heels. Yes, bikinis and it’s not even 30 degrees out there. Apparently, they were giving out free hot meals…vegan chili. But really, just blegh. They just kind of grossed me out. I think it was the gawkers that was really bothering me. That’s just tacky. And also, I feel sorry for those girls. I’m angry with whoever is putting them out there, feel sorry for them, and I’m disgusted with the staring pervs. Just an all around aggravating situation for me.

Like I said, I think I might just be in a complaining mood. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Either way, I am missing my girl. I’m missing the thought of her, the promise of her. I miss my Caroline.


  1. Big Big ((Hugs))!!
    I am so sorry. I know what those days are like and I know God's grace sees me through. I have those moments too..at the Drs ofc for my postpartm checkup, eating lunch at Chili's when they seated a precious new baby girl across from me and I was crying so hard I couldnt eat, at WalMart..and I would like to tell people that Im sad because my baby girl is in heaven. But I don't. When I sign on Facebook every day for three days and a new friend is pregnant..
    You are in my prayers tonight.
    My heart hurts for you..

  2. Nicole - I can't tell you how many times I have felt this way or done exactly the same thing. You posted a comment on one of my blogs back in December. Our daughter Braylyn has been with God for just over 3 years now and there are days still that it seems like yesterday that we heard the life altering news of our Dear Baby Girl. I am still coming to terms with the fact the God took our baby girl from us to be with Him. I'm sure you've heard this time and time again, but please just remember that you are not alone in this world and God has a plan for each and every one of us. Caroline is not alone either. Much love and comforting hugs are sent your way.