When My World is Shaking

Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands. This is part of a song that is really speaking to my soul today. It’s called Your Hands by JJ Heller. I’m going to post the lyrics to share with you. I highly suggest you listening to some of her songs.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

I believe that I can say with certainty that my world has never been shaken, and my heart never broken like it has been through this valley. I am so thankful that I have been able to feel my Lord and Savior in my life, before and during this. He has granted me peace. He has granted me happiness. He has granted me comfort. He has surrounded me with such amazing people. To each of you reading this, even those I haven’t met in person, thank you so much for coming into my life, being my friend, loving me through this hurt, praying for us, and offering encouragement and support. Honestly, this journey is taking all I can get from anyone who is willing to give anything. I know that I certainly don’t have the strength to climb this mountain on my own. But with God and all of you, I am making progress, I am gaining momentum, I am living. That dark night in October, I never thought I’d live again. The pain is still nauseating at times, but there are at least moments that I feel lightness, a sense of happiness, a joy. I was so blessed to be Caroline’s mommy. She changed my life forever. She helped me see what I needed to be, opened my eyes, opened my heart. She was an amazing little girl. I so very badly wish that she could have stayed.

Christmas has come and gone, New Years the same. If I’m honest, I couldn’t be happier that it’s behind me. It’s not that I didn’t want to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy seeing family. It’s not that I don’t like to give gifts to those that I love. It’s that my heart just wasn’t in it this time around. My smiles were probably only half smiles most of the time; my eyes were on the brink of tears. I didn’t want to be the “super-duper-sad-grieving-woman,” so I worked not to let that be the case. I wonder if everyone could tell that my heart wasn’t all in? I’m sure they could. And I hate that.

This entry has actually been in progress for 5 days. 5 long days that have honestly felt like a lifetime. I’ve been having a tough time finding the words to say. I feel so many things, so many things with such magnitude. It’s very hard for me to get it all out into words sometimes. There is an element of fear in getting it out in writing. The fear comes from being exposed. I’m scared to be “naked” to the world…but I feel lead to share my thoughts, feelings, lessons learned, etc. I want to share these things in hopes that they can help at least one single person. I don’t think that we’re allowed to go through experiences that change our lives and not be meant to use that to help others change their lives too.

Right now I’m feeling very delicate. My whole being feels raw. One harsh word can absolutely break my heart, whereas I used to have thicker skin. Now, I’m easily attacked, broken down, and hurt. Thankfully, most people have been so gentle with me. This has been so helpful. But I did have a rough day or two last week. Some people just don’t seem to understand, or maybe they just don’t care. And that is sad.

Also, I’m feeling a little paranoid. Before you call the nearest psych ward, let me explain. I wonder if people can tell that something is “wrong” with me. I wonder if people can tell that I’m broken. I sometimes feel like I have a neon sign over my head that says, “LOST A BABY!!!” I feel like something about me screams, “Hey, look at the scary grieving woman!” Of course, I know better than to believe that this is actually the case, but sometimes it sure does feel real.

On a positive note, I have had a few experiences over these last few weeks where I was able to speak freely and share about my sweet little girl. I am so thankful to be able to talk about her with others. I love being able to share about her with anyone who will listen. I’m always open for questions and conversations.

I hope everyone has a great week!