Three Months

Three months have passed since I said goodbye to the little girl that stole my heart. Three months have passed since I got to touch her soft cheeks. Three months have passed since I got to hold her in my arms. Three months have passed and I don’t miss her any less. Three months have passed and I ache for her every second of every day. Caroline, your Mommy loves you so much (your Daddy does too!), I wish so badly that you were here with us.

So much has happened in these last few months. It seems like a lifetime has passed. It seems like years have gone by since I felt her move and kick and torture my ribs (which I miss too). We’ve gone from the hottest summer on record, to missing work for snow days. I’ve gone from being afraid to leave my house, to going back to some semblance of “normal.” I guess I don’t really know what my expectations are, but I was hoping for something a little more normal than I am. Maybe I’m just rushing it. Maybe I’ve just set my sights too high. Either way, I still feel pretty knocked down sometimes. Sometimes the waves of sorrow attack me when I least expect it. Sometimes it’s so heavy I still don’t think I can hold it up. Then still other times, I feel like things are going to be okay…I have a very welcomed peaceful feeling. I can’t help but think (that’s really a misstatement, I KNOW) that this is my Lord and Savior taking care of me. I feel his arms wrap around me, I feel his love for me. And with that, I am able to breathe again. A verse that has felt so real to me is Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. WOW…THAT’S ME!!!!! I have always really enjoyed when the Bible feels like it is written for me personally. This verse could have said, “Nicole, I am here with you, I understand your broken heart, I feel it too, and I am rescuing you from the pain.” It offers me so much comfort to know that He truly is with me in my grief, and He is going to save me from it.

To anyone reading this who is facing something difficult, the loss of a child or parent or friend or relative, dealing with financial issues in the troubled economy, facing divorce, you name it; it is my prayer that you feel God close to you and know that He WILL save you.

I have read several books and blogs (pamphlets, fliers, scraps of paper – anything I could get my hands on) since losing sweet baby Caroline. Before losing her, I didn’t really know how to grieve. It isn’t that I had never lost anyone; it’s just that I truly didn’t know how to do it. I was able to kind of skim the outsides; I didn’t have to dive in. I have also been blessed to be surrounded by some amazing people to help me through.

I was speaking to a friend the other day about grief, and she gave me a really good analogy. She said that grief is like a really scary forest that pops up in your life’s path. You can’t go around it. You can’t even see around it. But it’s just so scary, you can’t imagine going through it either. But you have to…so you do, and it’s awful, but there’s peace on the other side. I’m just trudging through this forest…but I know that there is something so wonderful on the other side.