Baby Tears

We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,

that your GOD had allowed you to quicken in me.

We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,

and we thought about names for a girl or a boy.

I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,

all the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.

And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,

as I pondered the day you’d make yourself known.

Then, to think of the world you must enter brought fears.

Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something’s wrong, I can tell – once again there are tears,

and I’ll not get the chance of your love through the years.

Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,

and again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.

Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,

gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.

Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm

and His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.

Our FATHER knew you days before they came to be,

and He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,

I will greet and embrace you my little sweet one.

There’s a time to be born and a time to die,

and the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!

- Conni Johnson

These last few days have been a little harder than the days had been for a little while. I catch myself crying more often, harder, and less secretly than I was able to do a couple of weeks ago. Life is hard. Life outside of losing a child is hard. Life outside of grieving is hard. Life, in itself, is hard. I want to make sure and point out that I'm not giving up, I'm not caving in. I'm expressing my bare and raw emotions to...well...the world. I'm able to walk around in the world of the "normal" and pretend to be one of them. But sometimes, and often lately, it hits me...I'm not. I'm not "normal." I'm not okay. I can't be. I can't just pretend like my heart isn't still broken. I can't lie to myself or anyone else by acting like I'm really making huge strides. Well, maybe I am, because at least I'm able to go out into the normal world now. I couldn't do that for a while. But this last week, I've felt like the ground was crumbling under me. I cry at my desk several times a day. I don't mean those dainty-ladylike-tears-fall-and-you-swipe-with-a-hanky-and-all-is-well cries. I mean the shoulders shaking, make-up smearing, can't-even-make-it-to-the-bathroom-without-causing-a-scene cries. Thankfully, all the people that work around me are pretty great. They handle it like champs. And I'm so thankful for that.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to anyone but me. If it doesn't, I apologize for rambling. If it does, I hope you aren't feeling these same feelings.