Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fitting In

Fitting in is something that (I believe) everyone craves.  We all want to feel like we belong.  I think I believed I’d stop feeling like I had to work for it when I got out of high school.  I really had no idea.  I mean, you’re a grown up, you don’t have to worry with silly things like this anymore, do you? 

I have to admit, there are more times than not that I feel alienated.  I don’t think it’s all me, nor do I believe it’s everyone else.  I think part of it is that I’m just more sensitive now. 

Losing a child is one of the ultimate game changers.  It changes things, like when getting married can make things different with unmarried friends; having children can change things with couples who don’t have kids.  Then there’s the whole death-of-a-baby thing…talk about uncomfortable. There are some awesome people who give you exactly what you need; a smile, a hug, acknowledgement of your precious little one. Then there are some who just act awkward.  And then there are those who just pretend like you’re not even standing there. Ugh.

I guess I’m sad because I feel like I’m really struggling to find my place.  I’m trying to fit in, to blend.  But I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy with having Addalee here.  She’s such a huge blessing and she’s already growing into such an amazing little girl.  She has the most adorable giggle and gives the best cuddles.  But for me, there’s always at least a little sadness in my heart.  It’s a strange balance.  I guess it’s one that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of completely just yet.

I make myself feel worse sometimes, because I tell myself that I’m the only one that feels this way.  I suppose I don’t really believe that.  Have any of you felt uncomfortable like this?  Do you feel like you have to work hard to “fit in”? 


  1. I totally hear you. I'm not trying to fit in right now, but I do feel fairly alienated. If it weren't for my fellow babyloss bloggers and some supportive friends on my BabyCenter boards, I'm not sure what I'd do. My friends - even my oldest, closest friends - have all backed away. It's very hurtful and makes me angry. I imagine they're just waiting for me to get pregnant again, as if that will "fix" everything, but we all know nothing will fix this. Sucks...

  2. Oh, Nicole, I feel that way a lot. It's especially bad (or feels to me) because we're Catholic. And what are Catholic women good at? Having lots and lots of babies. Someone who didn't know told us the other day after mass, "Well, what are you guys doing? Why don't you have more kids by now?"

    Oh, excuse me, jackass, I had one. She died.

    Not exactly the best conversation. Yes. It feels like you're alone a lot on this one.

  3. I have a hard time (at times) with this too. And while some of my friends have backed off, I've also realized that I have backed off too. I'm not sure where I fit in anymore and as a result I have probably not been as good of a friend as I used to. So it's something I am trying to work at still - to fit back in with my old life I guess, but as this new me.

  4. Yes, yes and yes! I feel like I am a square peg in a world full of only round holes! It's never ending, it's ALWAYS something! Even being pregnant now I avoid other pregnant women like crazy. I am not the same as them no will I ever be. I am so skeptical of people's reactions to our truth that I feel like I am constantly ready for battle...like I dare you to tell me something stupid...I will tell you how it really is! Hard to fit in when you are always feeling like no one gets it! Thankful for you and your friendship though, there is one place I fit :)

  5. Wow. Amen to all of the above. It is one of the hardest long lasting things about our situations. I am (very) pregnant now with our rainbow baby, and I feel the same awkwardness around other pregnant women. I totally sympathize with the, "I'm really not like you" mentality. It's like you said Nicole, it's a huge game changer. I guess I've dealt with it by being frank. I talk openly about our Sophina to most anyone that I am/get close to. This is the new me. Old friends and new friends alike just get to deal with it. Those that can handle it do, and those that can't, well honestly those aren't the friends that I need right now anyway. Thank goodness for hose that do get it and that let me talk about her freely. Thank goodness for you, Nicole and always reminding me that someone else out there is going through the same difficulties that I face every day. Thank you for that. <3

  6. I am so glad to read this post (not that I want you to feel this way), but I can relate in a HUGE way. I have been feeling so awkward lately. There are so many things I don't post on my blog, like basically nothing because everyone in my real life reads and I don't ever want to hurt feelings or make people feel any more awkward. I still have not been able to have another baby after Reese and Scotlyn. We are in the process of possibly trying again, but it is so complicated because I get so sick and people freak out when I mention anything about another pregnancy, especially my close friends because they care about me. They have been soooo supportive, but 3 of my very best friends are pregnant. I am so happy for them, but at the same time it is very hard for me. I don't want to pretend everything nor can I anyway, not only having lost my daughters, but also not being able to just get pregnant again. I hate feeling so out of place with my very best friends and I can't help but feel like it's all me because if everything were "normal" and I never would have lost my babies, what would be so different? Thank you for sharing your feelings, I find myself so often wanting to blog about everything and I'm just struggling with who is going to read it that I know so I'm glad to be able to come here and find some validation.