Fitting in is something that (I believe) everyone craves. We all want to feel like we belong. I think I believed I’d stop feeling like I had to work for it when I got out of high school. I really had no idea. I mean, you’re a grown up, you don’t have to worry with silly things like this anymore, do you?
I have to admit, there are more times than not that I feel alienated. I don’t think it’s all me, nor do I believe it’s everyone else. I think part of it is that I’m just more sensitive now.
Losing a child is one of the ultimate game changers. It changes things, like when getting married can make things different with unmarried friends; having children can change things with couples who don’t have kids. Then there’s the whole death-of-a-baby thing…talk about uncomfortable. There are some awesome people who give you exactly what you need; a smile, a hug, acknowledgement of your precious little one. Then there are some who just act awkward. And then there are those who just pretend like you’re not even standing there. Ugh.
I guess I’m sad because I feel like I’m really struggling to find my place. I’m trying to fit in, to blend. But I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy with having Addalee here. She’s such a huge blessing and she’s already growing into such an amazing little girl. She has the most adorable giggle and gives the best cuddles. But for me, there’s always at least a little sadness in my heart. It’s a strange balance. I guess it’s one that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of completely just yet.
I make myself feel worse sometimes, because I tell myself that I’m the only one that feels this way. I suppose I don’t really believe that. Have any of you felt uncomfortable like this? Do you feel like you have to work hard to “fit in”?