I need to do better about updating this blog. I find that I have so much to say, so many thoughts, but I don't get them put into words on here. I think it's partly because there is so much that I feel like I need to get off my chest that it just overwhelms me.
This last weekend was Memorial Day weekend. In the past, this weekend has signified the start of summer, and been the first official lake day...a day that I greatly looked forward to. It has been a day that my family gets together, takes out the boat, spends time and cooks out...simple joys. That has changed now. The cemetery where Caroline is buried has their decoration on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. It's a family cemetery and it's only Caroline and her great-grandfather (a WWII veteran) buried there...and we get together, spend the day, and eat a meal...simple joys, with a little sadness. I'm so thankful though to be surrounded by a family (both sides) who love me and us and little Caroline. Her little grave was decorated with so many flowers, it was very sweet.
I'm finding though, that I really dread all milestone dates. I wanted to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas last year...I would have been fine to nix Mother's Day altogether, and I was really dreading Memorial Day too. I dread those days because they're so difficult for me. I dread them because it takes me multiple days to recover. I almost feel as though I've been in a fight after, even physically sore. Who knew grief could be that physically painful!? But it is, it runs me through the ringer more days than not.
I'm dealing with a whole lot of big emotions - what's new!? I honestly don't even know how to share them sometimes, and actually right now, I could just cry. I know that some of this comes with being pregnant again. Pregnancy all by itself is crazy when it comes to emotions, so pregnancy plus grief...it only stands to reason that it's a roller coaster. I think that right now, what I'm feeling most is bitterness and jealousy. I'm so jealous of all the people who have such an easy time having babies! I'm so bitter that they've all gotten to do it, and I haven't (yet). I'm not only jealous and bitter for myself, but for my husband, for my parents, for his parents. They were all crushed through the loss of Caroline too. In some ways, it would be so much better if I had felt this all by myself, though that would have been painful too. At least I would know that those I cherish most aren't hurting as badly as I am.
Then there's actual anger. I've done pretty well with not being angry throughout this experience. I'm not angry at God. I've come to a place in my relationship with Him where I feel comforted and been given peace. I'm angry at people...well-meaning, but hurtful people. There are people giving me birth advice...like I guess they think that Caroline just "tele-ported" out of my womb. Yeah, uh....not so much...I labored, I pushed, I gave birth, just like every other mother with a live child. Also, don't be scared of ___________ - things that can happen during birth. My answer is that I'm not scared of birth, any of it...my fear is getting a live baby TO birth. If they need to do a c-section on me, so be it. I just need to get this baby to her birth living, and then I have complete faith that the doctors will do what is best for us. I guess I want to tell them that I don't really feel like I need advice on these kinds of things. I appreciate that they care, but this is maddening for me. Vent over.
Really, things are going well for us. Addalee is a healthy and beautiful little girl, who kicks the doppler because she also has a personality! She's a blessing, and I believe that her big sister is proud of her already. We sure do miss big sister, and can't wait until our family is all reunited one day!
This last weekend was Memorial Day weekend. In the past, this weekend has signified the start of summer, and been the first official lake day...a day that I greatly looked forward to. It has been a day that my family gets together, takes out the boat, spends time and cooks out...simple joys. That has changed now. The cemetery where Caroline is buried has their decoration on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. It's a family cemetery and it's only Caroline and her great-grandfather (a WWII veteran) buried there...and we get together, spend the day, and eat a meal...simple joys, with a little sadness. I'm so thankful though to be surrounded by a family (both sides) who love me and us and little Caroline. Her little grave was decorated with so many flowers, it was very sweet.
I'm finding though, that I really dread all milestone dates. I wanted to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas last year...I would have been fine to nix Mother's Day altogether, and I was really dreading Memorial Day too. I dread those days because they're so difficult for me. I dread them because it takes me multiple days to recover. I almost feel as though I've been in a fight after, even physically sore. Who knew grief could be that physically painful!? But it is, it runs me through the ringer more days than not.
I'm dealing with a whole lot of big emotions - what's new!? I honestly don't even know how to share them sometimes, and actually right now, I could just cry. I know that some of this comes with being pregnant again. Pregnancy all by itself is crazy when it comes to emotions, so pregnancy plus grief...it only stands to reason that it's a roller coaster. I think that right now, what I'm feeling most is bitterness and jealousy. I'm so jealous of all the people who have such an easy time having babies! I'm so bitter that they've all gotten to do it, and I haven't (yet). I'm not only jealous and bitter for myself, but for my husband, for my parents, for his parents. They were all crushed through the loss of Caroline too. In some ways, it would be so much better if I had felt this all by myself, though that would have been painful too. At least I would know that those I cherish most aren't hurting as badly as I am.
Then there's actual anger. I've done pretty well with not being angry throughout this experience. I'm not angry at God. I've come to a place in my relationship with Him where I feel comforted and been given peace. I'm angry at people...well-meaning, but hurtful people. There are people giving me birth advice...like I guess they think that Caroline just "tele-ported" out of my womb. Yeah, uh....not so much...I labored, I pushed, I gave birth, just like every other mother with a live child. Also, don't be scared of ___________ - things that can happen during birth. My answer is that I'm not scared of birth, any of it...my fear is getting a live baby TO birth. If they need to do a c-section on me, so be it. I just need to get this baby to her birth living, and then I have complete faith that the doctors will do what is best for us. I guess I want to tell them that I don't really feel like I need advice on these kinds of things. I appreciate that they care, but this is maddening for me. Vent over.
Really, things are going well for us. Addalee is a healthy and beautiful little girl, who kicks the doppler because she also has a personality! She's a blessing, and I believe that her big sister is proud of her already. We sure do miss big sister, and can't wait until our family is all reunited one day!
Oh I feel you on that. When I returned to work, a well-meaning woman in our office emailed everyone and told everyone that I had had "the procedure" on March 21st. Uh...childbirth is a procedure? You and I are old pros at this childbirth thing, in a way so many other moms aren't. It just takes a whole different type of strength when you're not just going through childbirth, but you're going through it and know your child has died. It makes childbirth itself seem like not a biggie at all. Saying many prayers for you. I have thrown a couple of cheap dishes for the anger. Helped a lot. I don't have the patience like Angie Smith to glue the pitcher back together again, but tossing the dishes felt good. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate as well... I also have that bitterness towards others who have such an easy time having babies. My husband and I joke sometimes about how we need to get our batting average up. Right now we are 1 for 4. 250 is not a great batting average, but if we can get this new little one here we will be 2 for 5 and a 400 is pretty good! Also about Katie's comment, I DID break and glue the pitcher back together and it was SO helpful. It is so symbolic and therapeutic. I'm even keeping it in the new babies room as a reminder of our journey... how our hearts were shattered and how even though God put them back together again they will never be the same. Some pieces will always be missing....
ReplyDeleteI can relate to you as well. I am sending thoughts, prayers, and (((hugs))) your way. Little Caroline is so loved, just as little Addalee is.......
ReplyDeleteLake Day...usually my favorite day of the year. I couldn't even go near the boat this weekend. I literally got out of the car and walked away from the boat and up to the house ASAP. I was fighting the tears like crazy. :(
ReplyDeleteOh I hear you on the "recovery" after days like this last weekend. It is so emotionally exhausting that it spills over into being physically exhausting somehow too. I know I'm still feeling it. Thanks for sharing this picture. Lots of love in those flowers. About wanting to be the only one suffering, I guess the grass is always greener. I feel quite alone in my grief a lot of the time, so be grateful that your baby girl is loved and missed by those close to you. It's a blessing for sure. Here's to a speedy "recovery"! ;)
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