Tuesday, March 13, 2012

That Pesky 'Other Shoe'

As I said before, I’m a card carrying worrier.  It’s something that has actually been robbing me of quite a lot of time lately.  I’m sad to say, but I don’t enjoy life the way I should, because I always feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I actually have to admit, that when I look around and see good things, I enjoy it for a split second.  Then this ugly voice comes clearly from the back of my mind…telling me that it could all be ripped away. 

I don’t remember ever being a serious “Debbie Downer” in my earlier days.  This is something that has come from the bumps and bruises I’ve accumulated over the years, mostly losing Caroline.  I try not to share my un-rose-colored outlook with those around me.  I don’t want everyone else to miss out on living.  I don’t want to miss out on living.

I’ve struggled with reconciling the horribleness of losing our first daughter with the goodness of other areas of life.  I’ll never forget feeling almost stupid after we were told that she was gone.  It was kind of like someone was saying, “There ya go…see?  You had too many good things.  You banked on bringing this little girl home.  You got too big for your britches, and now you don’t get to keep her.”  I felt foolish for not seeing it coming.  So now, I feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder for the next horrible thing. 

My thinking is so incredibly flawed.  God is gracious and loving, and not focusing on that means that I’m missing out on who He really is.  Honestly, I feel like I trust Him with my eternal soul, but have a hard time letting Him handle the daily details of my life.  I know in my heart that He wants good things for me.  In Romans 8:28 it says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” 

I’m sure that I’m not the only person out there who feels like if things start going too good, something bad is bound to happen.  I’m telling you today that I’m scared, too.  You’re not alone in that fear.  But I’m also deciding to fight to live not under the shadow of fear and doubt.  Starting now.


  1. I remember feeling like that too after we were told Addi was gone, that my life had been TOO good and this was some way of making me damaged like everyone else who has struggles. Like OF COURSE I don't get to keep her because that would mean I would have everything I ever wanted out of life. Ugh. And I too am always looking over my shoulder for the other show to drop.

    I think it's great that you want to try and focus on things being good. I'm not able to do that yet, but I admire the fact that you are even going to make an attempt at it! Xxxooo

  2. Good for you girl! I feel the same way. I keep waiting for that "something bad" to happen and really does suck the joy out of soo many things. I can't remember if I mentioned this ever before but we never even got a nursery ready for baby Griffin. He would not have had a stitch of clothes to wear on his little back had it not been for my Mom buying him things the day before he was born and literally shoving them in my hands. I never believed that we'd get to bring him home. I too didn't want to be foolish if it didn't work out again so I just never got anything ready. I hate now that I felt like that. So scared, so joyless.

    Praying for you friend!


  3. I am the same way, always anticipating the bad right around the corner. I love the conviction in this post...

  4. I am going to be praying for you, sweet girl. I poured myself into buying things for Sawyer and I honestly thought she wasn't going to be born alive. I was just so hopeful but I cried everynight while begging Him to please let me keep her. Today I had a slight meltdown because I was terrified she wasn't going to be breathing...she's here, she's fine. I doubt I ever sleep again-I'm already terrified. I've been praying for comfort and peace. It is hard. I'm so sorry you had to go through losing your beautiful baby-it's just so hard to comprehend. But know I'm praying for you. He is in control.

  5. I really have felt that since my Jonathan died. His death put tremendous fear in me that something would happen to on of my other children. I am so glad to know that these are normal feelings and I must fight them with the truth of God's word. Thanks for the honest and wise post.