Wednesday, June 22, 2011

8 Months

It's been 8 months since we held our little Caroline.  I've been fortunate enough to be able to push a lot of these thoughts to the back of my mind instead of focusing on them and getting down in the dumps.  This strategy worked fairly well for me...until this week.  This week, my "keep yourself so busy you can't be bothered with grief" strategy has failed!  I don't mean to be overly dramatic, it's not like I've hit rock bottom or anything, but I have had a rough few days.

As we're getting closer to the third trimester (Friday!) with Addalee, I'm reminded of my pregnancy with Caroline.  I'm reminded how much I miss her, how much I want HER...and how much I want her sister to be here safely and healthily.  I'm also a little torn on how to prepare for the arrival of Caroline's little sister.  With Caroline, I bought packs of diapers (can't bring myself to do that this time), I washed and folded all of her things (haven't been able to think of that this time), I worked in her room (don't really need to do much since it's all set up from before)...it's just a strange feeling, a strange place to be, uncomfortable.

I've been keeping a weekly blog of my pregnancy with Addalee (side note: it's private, but if you'd like to follow along, just comment and leave me your email address).  I like to include a weekly size comparison picture, you know the rutabaga or English hot house cucumber comparison.  So, each week, I Google my week and the comparison picture.  This week, I happened to stumble upon another little pregnancy blog.  It was cute and happy and was written much like my blog, like how I write, like how I think.  Then I noticed the dates...with a sick stomach and sweaty hands, I kept looking.  I knew I shouldn't. I  knew I should have stopped.  But that morbid curiosity just drew me in.  This lady's little girl was delivered the day after Caroline.  She is a beautiful little girl, her parents' first child, loved immeasurably.  They have regularly posted pictures of their sweet little girl, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Sunday, Tuesday...you get the idea.  The ones that got me the most were Halloween, and the most recent ones.  Caroline's Daddy is a big kid - one of the things I love about him.  He loves Halloween, and so do I.  We bought this adorable little bat costume for Caroline and were so excited to answer the door to the trick-or-treaters with our little baby bat.  We had plans for Halloween.  She was part of them.  We could SEE her in that costume.  But that wasn't to be.  Then I saw this couple's precious little girl sitting up, widely and toothlessly grinning, on a swimming pool step.  Then it really struck me, Caroline should be grinning, and sitting up and having a real personality and being a real child.  I've held on to the image of her as a teeny tiny baby, and distanced myself from the thoughts of her as an actual BABY.  Part of this was a survival mechanism, I'm sure...but upon realizing what I have been doing, I am crushed.  Crushed because that mechanism is gone now, and crushed because I feel like I may have cheated Caroline somehow.

I don't want to seem all gloom and doom, or like Debbie Downer (bwwaahh bwaahhh), so I need to share that things are actually going well for us.  As I said before, we are this.close to the start of the third trimester, and I'm overjoyed about this.  Addalee is an active girl, who loves to kick her Mommy and even share some private kicks with her Daddy while Mommy is sleeping!  She has her own personality, different from her big sister, and we wouldn't have it any other way.  Addalee also seems to have quite the resemblance to her sister, their ultrasounds are almost identical!  We're praying, and ask that you do too, for a little girl, alive and healthy, to be in our arms in approximately 10 weeks.


  1. 10 weeks until Addalee, that's amazing!

    I've been keeping busy to as to not be bothered by grief and I know it's about to come up and bite me at any time...I feel like I am constantly running around dodging it and pretty soon it's going to slam me in the face ugh! Sorry you are having your "grief slam" right now.

    I happened upon my niece's 6 month pictures the other day and I remembered it like it was yesterday (she is 8 now) it really hit me what a fun happy time that was and how she was't a teeny baby, but a real fun person with the best personality...so much we are missing out on!

    8 whole months...thinking of you and Caroline and wishing this wasn't our reality because even though I know there is nothing that can be done to change it, I can't help, but wish things had turned out differently!

  2. I'm so glad you are close to the third trimester! As for getting things ready - I think you'll know the closer you get. With us, we decided to ready everything, just as we did with Cale. It was scary and a little hard at first, but I'm glad I did - I wanted to get excited, even though it was hard, but to just prepare for Finn the same way we did his brother.

    I hope these last 10 weeks go fast and are uneventful! Thinking of you often!

  3. I have been following you since I saw your story. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I know you are counting down the days until you hold this precious little one in your arms. I would like to follow your other blog, but if you would rather keep it private I completely understand.