You might wonder how I could possibly be astounded by the beauty in my life in the midst of such a tremendous loss. I would wonder the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot. I can see where someone would wonder how I can even keep living. I’ll be honest, there have been times throughout this whole experience that I’ve thought that there was no way that I could keep going. I believed that it was too hard, too sad, too tragic, too much. There has been a chip on my shoulder a couple of times, there have been plenty of ‘why-me’s, a seas worth of tears shed, and a lifetime of prayers used up all at once. But there is still tremendous beauty in my life. Would it be more beautiful if Caroline was still here? I like to think so, but I’m not sure I would have been as receptive.
This experience is the hardest thing I have been through to this point in my life. I’ve probably had a pretty easy ride, honestly though. God has so richly blessed me and guided me and taken care of me through these years. I’ve taken it for granted, as most of us seem to. I can say though, that through this God has knocked me down a few notches, opened my eyes, gotten my attention.
I had gotten a little disillusioned with the world. I was disappointed in many of my fellow human beings. I had started to believe that there weren’t many good people left. It seemed that everyone was so selfish and only interested in self preservation. I have seen people claw each other to pieces just to get a little bit ahead. I’ve seen a lot of ugliness. I started believing that was about all that was left: ugliness.
That’s when the bottom dropped out. And I couldn’t mean that any more. My world literally fell apart; we’re talking complete obliteration. My entire life plan crumbled, and if you know me at all, you know that I’m a planner. If I don’t have my plan, or things don’t go according to that plan, it really sends me reeling. Especially something of this magnitude. But, there I was, with all my power stripped. There was nothing in the world I could do, POWERLESS. (I don’t think this is the first time my Heavenly Father has attempted to teach me this lesson…I might also be stubborn) So, one thing I’ve pulled from this experience is surrender. I have to surrender my plans, my version of how I want things. This is ultimately His show, and He calls the shots. I’m sure He thinks it’s entertaining when I tell Him how things should be. I can only imagine what we all sound like to Him!
Another lesson is that yes, bad things do happen to good people. This world is not our home. This isn’t supposed to be easy. This isn’t supposed to be comfortable. We’re not here for eternity. It’s extremely easy to get bogged down in feeling hopeless sometimes in this life. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been hopeless feeling at times. But then, I find my hope in Him. Sometimes He gives it right to me; sometimes I have to search it out. Also, along those lines, Satan tries his best to make us feel like God has betrayed us by allowing us to suffer. This is simply not the case.
Possibly the most surprising thing I’ve seen through this is all the love and support. God has surrounded me with people who have made this impossible task a little more possible. From my doctor and nurses, to family, to friends, to co workers, to people I’ve met through other blogs and websites. I have truly been given so much support. And to each and every one of you who is reading this blog, let me just say THANK YOU. Thank you so much. Thank you for allowing God to use you to minister to me.
All of that being said, I still miss my sweet Caroline every second of every day. My life has been dramatically changed by her almost 40 weeks with me. She is forever my sweet girl, forever my first child, forever a piece of me. God blessed me with that sweet gift. My Caroline brought beauty to my life. And I pray that God will allow me to use her to bring beauty to others.
I have had a couple of really hard days. I returned to work yesterday. Though it was so difficult to walk back into this office, and sit at this desk where just weeks ago I sat with my giant belly and my little girl, I have survived yet another phase of this healing process and journey. It is truly only through the support I’ve gotten from those around me. Everyone at work was amazing to me. Many people cried right along with me, allowed me to share my story, were genuinely interested in me and my experience. There have also been many people share their stories of loss. I have been taken aback by those stories; I am humbled that people are willing to share their experiences with me.
So today, I am truly amazed by the beauty that is still in my life. I look around and see all that God has done for me, and I’m finding peace and blessings. He is using so many of you to minister to me in so many ways, and I am so thankful for that. Thank you all for helping me see the beauty that is still in my life each day.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring that I am hurting. Thank you for sending all of these people to me to help me so much, by sharing their stories, talking with me, crying with me, and offering prayers. I pray that you’ll use me to minister to others the way these have ministered to me. Thank you for all that you do for me that I’ve taken for granted. Thank you for giving me a lighter day not crushed under the grief of missing my sweet girl. Thank you for allowing me to see the beauty.