I Will Carry You

So, I’ve been reading the book “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith. She lost her daughter, Audrey Caroline, after carrying her through the full pregnancy even after receiving notice that Audrey was “incompatible with life.” The book deals with the grief that you feel as a mother and a Christian facing the loss of a child. I have really been able to identify with her. I would certainly suggest this book to anyone who has lost a child, or is close to someone who has. It offers great insight into the mind and heart of a grieving mother.

They wrote a song (her husband sings in Selah) about their sweet Audrey. The lyrics are posted below:

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

As I type this, my heart is breaking…because I desperately would love to be able to take those photographs, wipe those teary eyes, and sing those sweet lullabies, because I DO love her.

4 weeks ago tonight, I gave birth to her. 4 weeks ago tonight, I lost my first child. 4 weeks ago tonight, a part of my heart went with her. 4 weeks ago tonight, my life changed forever. 4 weeks ago, I felt God move in my life in a way I never had before. I was chosen for those 39 weeks to carry her in my womb. I am chosen to carry Caroline through the coming years. And despite my broken heart, I do praise the One who chose me. Caroline’s life, though so brief, has so richly blessed me, and I pray that I am able to take the blessings that I’ve gotten from her and the things I’ve learned through this journey (of which I am still very much in the midst) and help others.

Love and prayers,

Strength for Today...

It’s officially been 2 weeks since the funeral now. Those words sound so strange to write or say…2 weeks since the FUNERAL. FUNERAL. It just doesn’t even sound like a word with real meaning anymore. Kind of like that scene in Black Sheep where the car is leaking Nitrous Oxide and they talk about how weird of a word ‘road’ is. RO-AD, ROOOOOAD. That’s how I feel with funeral, well, minus the Nitrous Oxide.

It’s now been more than 2 weeks since I gave birth to, held and loved, then gave my baby back. My arms ache for her. My soul misses her. What I wouldn’t give to hear her cry…or even to change a stinky diaper! I’m beginning to really come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever hear her cry, or hold her in my arms again. My daughter did not get to have an earthly life outside my womb. It sounds so final. So. Done.

I’m also dealing with the fact that I was pregnant (Boy was I!), and I gave birth, yet I have no child to care for. Does that mean that I’m not a mother? I feel some “motherly” instincts, but in some ways, children scare me. I mean, I wasn’t scared of Caroline. I wasn’t afraid of being her Mommy. But now, the thought of being around children brings some anxiety. I wonder if this is normal? I wonder if I am normal?

I’ve also had my feelings hurt at God for allowing this to happen to me and my family. I won’t say that I’ve been angry, because that isn’t really the feeling. He hurt my feelings by allowing me to love her so much, and then not allowing her to live her life here with us, her earthly family. It hurt my feelings that He felt cold in those days and nights that followed her death. It hurt my feelings that I truly couldn’t feel Him holding me during the darkest of dark times I’ve ever seen. And then I realized, He is holding me. He is comforting me. He is giving me grace for each day. He is giving me peace. Once again, it just didn’t line up with my plans. Oh, how I love to make plans for God. I love to tell God how things need to be. (I’m sure He laughs at me all the time…if not, he should)

In trying to simply “make it through” this deepest of valleys, I’ve been reading any book on the death of a child and grieving that I can get my hands on (not to mention the hundreds of blogs of women and families who have lost a child to a UCA like us). I’ve been desperately trying to find ANYTHING to offer me that comfort I felt God had for me. In reading “Safe in the Arms of God,” the author gives 8 reasons that God allows His people to go through difficult times. One of those reasons opened my eyes, made me see something that I hadn’t seen or thought at all. God had a purpose for Caroline’s life. I had prayed that His will would be done in her life, and I believed that was what I wanted. But what I truly wanted was MY PLAN mixed with God’s for her life. God simply had HIS PERFECT plan for her, and that trumped my earthy, selfish plan for her. Now, does that make me miss her any less? NOT AT ALL. But does it offer me a quiet peace? Yes.

So, for today, I am going to hold on to that little bit of peace. I’m going to keep missing my girl, and will forever, but at least I have a little peace.

BTW, happy Friday to all of those still going about “normal” lives!

After the Storm...

I'm writing this because I honestly don't know what else to do...I'm aching with an ache that I didn't even know was possible. I will eventually post the entire story of what has happened to our little family, but I'm still working through how to tell it. It only lasted a short while, but my life is profoundly different. There is a part of me that I will never get back.

On Wednesday, October 20th, our sweet angel Caroline Elizabeth Ramsey was born. She weighed 6lbs 11oz, and was 21 inches long. She was simply the most beautiful baby girl I've ever seen in my entire life. She was perfect. She was ours. She looked just like her Daddy! I was overwhelmingly proud. I held her and loved her and talked to her and prayed over her. She was my sweet girl. We buried our precious girl on Friday, October 22.

This has easily been the most challenging thing I have ever been through. The most painful thing I have ever faced. And I'm not going to pull any punches, I AM STRUGGLING. I AM HURTING. I am trying not to get angry with God, but I honestly don't see how a thing such a thing could really be part of His will. I don't see how things like this happen to His people, and I'm not naive enough to believe that this has happened only to me. Although, I would take some comfort in it being just us, just our family to have to let go of such a sweet and perfect daughter and granddaughter. But these things do happen. This pain does exist in this world. We are not the only family hurting with this kind of deep hurt.

I'm trying to have faith, I'm trying to maintain, I'm trying to just...keep...breathing. I will continue to post information on our journey to healing. I will also post our angel baby's story eventually.