Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Fear

Where have I been?  The answer is right here, the whole time.  I’ve been waking up each day, feet hitting the floor, going non-stop, (thankfully) cleaning sippy cups and dirty hands, torn tissues/”snow”, attempting some Christmas shopping, putting Addalee to bed, then myself and starting over.  I feel like I’m so far behind – on everything, in almost every aspect.  I feel like I’ve just not got the time to do anything all the way.  And I don’t enjoy that feeling, not in the least.  So that’s at least part of the reason I’ve been a bad blogger.  Another part of it is I’ve been discouraged.  I feel like I have the same ol’ things to say, and who really cares anyway!?  I know, I know, I have lots of support, and I couldn’t do this without each of you.  Your comments are like high fives (lame, maybe, but true!). 

But I think the heart of the reason I haven’t been updating is fear.  I’m almost scared to update about this precious little girl that I’m carrying.  I’m terrified to ASSUME that she is going to arrive, safe, alive and healthy.  As a matter of fact, I don’t assume that.  The ugly truth is that I almost assume she won’t.  Basically, I’m the queen of worst-case-scenario since Caroline passed away.  I used to believe that things were going to work out fine until I had a reason not to.  Now I believe the worst until it’s proven not to be the case.  Isn’t that ugly and gross?!  Yuck.  I sure think so.  It’s no way to live.  It’s no way to feel.  It’s heavy carrying around all that nastiness…yet I just can’t seem to lay it all down.  As I sit, just about 30 weeks along, I’m not convinced we’ll be keeping this girl.  I love her, I want her, I even need her, but I can hardly allow myself to imagine holding her and loving her here at home.  I know that things can seem almost perfect just before they fall apart in the worst way.  I’ve lived the beautiful pregnancy that ends in a funeral.  I’ve seen the still screen of an ultrasound of a perfect baby with no heartbeat.  I’ve walked out of the labor and delivery ward with nothing but a memory box and a floppy belly.  And those are the things that I feel I need to be almost always braced for.  I can never completely let my guard down.  And that just plain sucks.

I didn’t intend to come here and give everyone a dose of Debbie Downer, but I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring, and thanks for loving me even though I'm not all sunshine and daisies! :)


  1. I felt exactly the same way when I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. I think it would be strange if you didn't feel like this.

    I am wishing you your happy ending this time!!

  2. Hi friend, thinking of you today and giving you a virtual high five! :o)

    It is such a heavy burden to bear and it takes so much energy to carry around, I do agree with that. My husband has been encouraging us to try again for another baby but I am so fearful of...everything. It almost feels like I don't deserve to be happy again. :o(

    Thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts!

  3. You get double high-fives from me today friend!! You are such a brave, strong, wonderful momma! I know just how sickening that fear of loss is. To go through that twice is just pure amazement to me! You can do this. Just 10 (hopefully less...) weeks left to go. Hang in there. Vent on your blog as needed! If it helps you feel better even for just a little bit then do it! No one reading here gives one crap about sunshine and daisies :).

    Love you! xoxox

  4. That's the thing I love most about this place, that there is so much support and understanding for all that fear. Vent away friend, we are all right here to listen. I wish it didn't have to be so scary, I wish we lived in blissful ignorance , but since we don't thankfully we have connected! Love you friend!

  5. The thing is - we are all scared for you, but we are also all so hopeful for you too.

    I am scared of all of it - I'm scared of another stillbirth, and now another miscarriage. I'm scared of the second trimester because that's the only time I haven't lost a baby. I'm scared I'll never even get pregnant again, yet terrified that I will.

    Oh hun - it is so scary. But at the end of the day, remember we were on the bad side of statistics - the small, unusual side. And almost 30 weeks is good, really good. So just do what you have to do, and in the meantime we will be wishing for the very best for you - ready to love and support your family no matter what.

  6. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I don't think I'll ever get over how terrifying it is to be pregnant after a loss... And how that anxiety just eats away at you- it's just too much.

    xox momma. Keeping fingers crossed ever so tightly for you.

  7. I don't really enjoy ALL sunshine and daisies because that just doesn't feel real. It's okay to be honest, so much is good and so much is really scary and hard. Keep plugging away. xoxo

  8. I hope you keep writing, because someday I might get pregnant again and I'll be glad to read what other people's experiences are/were with second pregnancy after loss. I often feel like I am only getting everything halfway done, and I'm not pregnant. So you're doing pretty awesome! The holidays are like that for everyone, even people without a baby/toddler, grief, and pregnancy to balance. Hang in there!!!

  9. You're the queen of worst case scenario. Man, don't I understand those words. The idea of becoming pregnant again (again??) makes me weak in the knees.

    You're living in fear, just like before and we're all with you to support. There's nothing that can be done to settle those nerves. I was, however, HOPING you'd say something like, "I'm not as nervous this time around because Addalee is here and being busy pushes those terrible thoughts away."

    Of course I know the truth. It's hard and will never be easy I guess. Be as honest as you need to be. We're totally here to support you. This is hard. You can do it. This is SO hard. You CAN do it. Easy for me to say... remind me of these words when I get pregnant again, okay?