Thursday, September 20, 2012


I can’t believe it’s almost been 2 years.  Actually, 23 months today, to be exact. 

I wish I could say that Caroline’s looming birthday wasn’t weighing heavy on my heart, but it is.  I’ve been finding myself crying more than I had been, talking about her even more than normal, and missing her so badly it keeps me up in the night.  I daydream about what she would be like, how tall she would be, if she’d like broccoli, if she’d like music, if she’d like me.

This week, Addalee took her first steps.  It was so sweet.  Her little chubby feet, placed clumsily one in front of the other, while we cheered for her.  She only took a few steps because she had to stop and cheer for herself!  All the while, I was crying like a baby. Bittersweet.

I wasn’t really a weepy, highly emotional person until we lost Caroline.  Now, I cry when I’m happy.  I cry when I’m sad.  I cry when I’m mad.  And sometimes, I just cry.  It’s not something that I love.  But I do love that I feel things and appreciate the life I have, and the life I get to have with my child(ren). 

While I love getting to see Addalee grow up, it always strikes me when she hits milestones that I missed every.single.one. of them with her big sister.  We missed everything from her first cry, to those sweet first steps.  And I still think of all of those new experiences that we didn’t have, almost 2 years later.

I met a woman when Addalee and I were out shopping today.  She had to stop and tell me that Addalee was pretty (Thank you, we certainly think she is!).  Her daughter-in-law is expecting their first grandbaby, she’s 14 weeks along and they’re so excited.  I know that story. I lived that story, until it stopped.  I was pleasant; I talked about how exciting it is to find out the gender, I shared about shopping for a much anticipated baby, and some of the baby items that we appreciated.  Somehow, she came up.  Somehow, and I don’t even remember how, I told her of my Caroline.  Her face dropped and she took a step back from me.  With a horrified face, she told me how sorry she was, and then said, “What did you do?  I mean, did you have a funeral?  For your baby, how…I mean, how do you do that?”  Honestly, I’ve gotten fairly comfortable talking about Caroline and our experiences surrounding my pregnancy with her, delivery, funeral, etc.  But I was honestly a little surprised that this is where our conversation had taken this turn.  I really thought I’d heard about all there was to hear from people who are blindsided by my sad story.  Guess not.  Maybe we’ll just stay in tomorrow!


  1. I swear girl, you and I (and our first-born girls too!) are twin separated at birth. It still floors me to this day that our little ladies were born just 5 days apart and have identical names to boot! I've been weepy and emotion a lot too lately. I had Bobby go ahead and take Caroline's birthday off from work to stay home with me because I'm going to be an ugly mess all day.

    That's crazy about that lady. At least she asked questions about what happened next! I have some super close friend who still tend to take a giant step back when I bring my Caroline up.

    Is that her actual hand print?

    Lots of love to you today! xoxox

  2. Bah. I would stay in, too. :/

    I was never emotional either. Didn't cry during my proposal, wedding day... nothing. Boy how times have changed!

    I know how heavy your heart is. I'm trailing right behind ya. Not thrilled by it in the least. With you.

  3. This is beautifully written, Nicole. I'm sorry that woman was so inconsiderate to ask you such a stupid question. My Mommy heart just aches for you to go through this right now and please know I'm hear if you should need to cry, talk, or anything!