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Sunday, June 10, 2012

They Were Blue


Her eyes were blue.  Caroline’s eyes were the same color as her little sister’s eyes.  I just learned this TODAY.  I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t look at her eyes in those 4 hours I spent holding her.  It’s something that I have kicked myself for since the day of her funeral.  I didn’t look at her eyes.  I could only use my imagination to visualize her eyes. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law and mentioned that I hated that I missed my chance to see my sweet girl’s eyes.  I cried as I told her that I didn’t know if her eyes were blue like her Daddy’s (and now her sister’s), or if they were brown, like mine.  She simply said, “They were blue.”  I told her that I had always visualized them being blue, in my dreams, in my thoughts, they’re blue.  I thought she was just guessing as Arthur and I have been in these almost 2 year without her.  But she went on to tell me that she did look at them.  Wow.  I have one more tiny piece of the puzzle of my girl that I didn’t get to keep.

It might seem like a small detail (to those who haven’t walked this path).  But when you only have precious few hours to capture a lifetime of memories, every.single.thing. matters.  I didn’t do things exactly as I wish I had.  I missed things that I will always wonder about, but I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances.  But today, I can tell you, her eyes were blue.

7 comments:

  1. This is so special, Nicole. I looked at my girl's eyes when I was alone with her the first night. Someday you will see your Caroline and she will look at you with those beautiful baby blues, I know it.

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  2. Oh I love this. So glad she was able to confirm that special detail. I looked at Addi's (they were blue too) I felt so awkward about looking...seemed so unnatural, but now I'm so glad I did because as you said every detail matters.

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  3. Oh I'm so excited that you just got such a wonderful gift! I wish I knew about my Caroline's. I didn't look but then again it might have been too soon to have even been able to open them. So happy for you!!

    xoxox

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  4. You know, I made a point to look in her eyes after I finally got to hold Addie. I HAD to know and I'm so glad I found out. I don't quite know why it was so important, but it was. I'm glad you were able to find out too.

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  5. :) I'm so glad you know just a little smudge more about your girl.

    After I knew Jack wasn't coming home with us, I would open his eyes and just look at them. So beautiful (and blue), but lifeless. It bothered me (and still does) that I would never again see those eyes looking at me. Bah.

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  6. What a gift to get this little piece of her story back.

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  7. Oh how the little things matter! It sounds weird but I learned from the autopsy that Bear's eyes were brown (like mine) and this made me feel warm fuzzies. I never thought to look and it was such a pleasant and unexpected surprise.

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