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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Afraid of the Dark


I needed to go feed Addalee and go to bed like an hour ago.  I need the sleep, and she needs the milk.  But I can’t bring myself to go upstairs into the dark quiet of bedtime.  I’m not afraid of the dark, per se, I’m afraid of what my mind does in those empty moments before sleep blurs my thoughts.  I’m afraid to relive.  I’m afraid to regret.  I’m afraid to think of how badly I miss her.  I’m afraid to strain to remember her face, her smell.  I’m afraid to panic when I think I’ve forgotten a single detail.  I’m afraid.

Life has been a little heavy lately.  My heart has been filled with such joy and sadness, it’s so completely sad, and yet blissful at the same moment.  Caroline has been so present on my mind.  Each day, she’s in the forefront.  I’m constantly thinking of that darling girl.  How could this really be our story?  How could she really be real? But she is real.  She was a perfect and beautiful baby girl; a baby girl that I would still give my very life to have.

I don’t want to wallow.  That’s not helpful in any shape, form, or fashion.  But I’m just so freaking sad.  I can’t lie about it.  I can’t pretend that it isn’t killing me right now.  Because it’s weighing me down.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want this.  I just don’t.

I’m just about to force myself up those dark stairs.  I’ve almost worked up enough nerve.  And like a scared child, I will run to the safety of my bed (after I feed my little happy girl), and hide under the covers, and pray for all I’m worth until I fall asleep.  And tomorrow, the sun will come up, and the weight will seem more manageable.  But tonight…tonight, I’m afraid of the dark.

7 comments:

  1. We parents who have lost a baby know that dark and that fear all too well. I feel you all the way from here. You are not alone my friend. I am praying for peace and rest for you.

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  2. Ugh these kinds of moments are the hardest when grief feels so heavy. Hopefully tomorrow things will feel lighter even though a heavy day will come again. Wishing I could give you a hug, but know I'm thinking about Caroline tonight with you, love you friend!

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  3. Oh Nicole this breaks my heart. I so know how you feel nighttime is AWFUL for me. I to am afraid afraid the pain will be to much to bear. I am praying for you and walking beside you will will come throughs his my friend. It will get better and someday in Heaven we will have them again with no fear. HUGS

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  4. I have these kind of moments too and they are always (well mostly) at night, before bed. It's tough. Grief can pull you in like a heavy fog. I'm glad Caroline is heavy on your heart, but wish it were so very different

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  5. Hugs to you, sweet friend. <3

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  6. Oh, Nicole. My heart hurts for you and I wish it were all a bad dream...big big hugs!!!!
    I'm praying for you, sweet girl. And thinking about beautiful Caroline!!!!

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  7. Thinking of you!! I had these moments every single night for the first 2 months and still have them, just not as often. You are not alone!

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