Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for offering me so much support with that last post.  I needed it, and you all came through.  I really appreciate the friendships that I've made through this amazing community (I wish none of us had to be here, but at least we have each other since we are, right?!).  

Now, on to new business!  We've been gearing up for Christmas.  About time, huh?!  I mean, it's only a week away.  I'm still not done shopping.  I've barely done any wrapping.  I don't have any idea what kind of food I'll be taking to our various shindigs, but I'm not stressing about any of that.  Which is unlike me, but I'll take it! 

I wanted to share a video of Addalee cutting a rug in a sporting goods store during one of our Christmas shopping adventures this week.  She had been going strong for a couple of minutes before I thought to get out the camera.  And of course, she stops when she realizes I've got it going, but it's still fun to watch her tap her foot and shake her booty.  She's definitely my child...and she's a much better dancer than I am! :)

Finally, I'm going to leave you with Addalee's Santa picture for this year.  This was the best picture out of the bunch!  I couldn't help but laugh hysterically as I watched the train wreck of her fighting desperately to escape Santa's grip.  Then Santa started laughing, and so was the photographer.  I was in tears by the time I got to see the pictures.  I tried to pick the worst one - picture a red face, fully open screaming mouth, and dress pulled even more to her waist than in the one below - but Arthur wouldn't let me!  Ha!  Any way you cut it, these are precious memories...and I'm so thankful for them!

So, without further ado:

I just can't see this and not laugh...poor child!

But P.S. This picture was taken less than a minute after the one with Santa.  She wasn't (too) traumatized!  Whew! :)

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Fear

Where have I been?  The answer is right here, the whole time.  I’ve been waking up each day, feet hitting the floor, going non-stop, (thankfully) cleaning sippy cups and dirty hands, torn tissues/”snow”, attempting some Christmas shopping, putting Addalee to bed, then myself and starting over.  I feel like I’m so far behind – on everything, in almost every aspect.  I feel like I’ve just not got the time to do anything all the way.  And I don’t enjoy that feeling, not in the least.  So that’s at least part of the reason I’ve been a bad blogger.  Another part of it is I’ve been discouraged.  I feel like I have the same ol’ things to say, and who really cares anyway!?  I know, I know, I have lots of support, and I couldn’t do this without each of you.  Your comments are like high fives (lame, maybe, but true!). 

But I think the heart of the reason I haven’t been updating is fear.  I’m almost scared to update about this precious little girl that I’m carrying.  I’m terrified to ASSUME that she is going to arrive, safe, alive and healthy.  As a matter of fact, I don’t assume that.  The ugly truth is that I almost assume she won’t.  Basically, I’m the queen of worst-case-scenario since Caroline passed away.  I used to believe that things were going to work out fine until I had a reason not to.  Now I believe the worst until it’s proven not to be the case.  Isn’t that ugly and gross?!  Yuck.  I sure think so.  It’s no way to live.  It’s no way to feel.  It’s heavy carrying around all that nastiness…yet I just can’t seem to lay it all down.  As I sit, just about 30 weeks along, I’m not convinced we’ll be keeping this girl.  I love her, I want her, I even need her, but I can hardly allow myself to imagine holding her and loving her here at home.  I know that things can seem almost perfect just before they fall apart in the worst way.  I’ve lived the beautiful pregnancy that ends in a funeral.  I’ve seen the still screen of an ultrasound of a perfect baby with no heartbeat.  I’ve walked out of the labor and delivery ward with nothing but a memory box and a floppy belly.  And those are the things that I feel I need to be almost always braced for.  I can never completely let my guard down.  And that just plain sucks.

I didn’t intend to come here and give everyone a dose of Debbie Downer, but I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring, and thanks for loving me even though I'm not all sunshine and daisies! :)