"Should I be
scared?" It's a phrase that has been uttered at 2 of the most terrifying
moments of my life. I said those words on that dark and drizzly October night.
We were desperately watching the nurses search forcefully, quietly, and grim faced
for Caroline's heartbeat. They didn't say anything for what felt like an
eternity, then finally, "Yes, sweetheart. You should be." It may
sound cold to you reading this, but I was just glad someone was being honest
with me, telling me something true. Instead of sugar coating some of the worst
news I've ever had to accept.
I
had to ask that same question just a few weeks ago, lying in the same hospital
with a big pregnant belly and a world of hope in my heart. Since we have a
history of stillbirth, we're watched more closely in pregnancy, especially the
last part. My doctor is an amazing man who really tries his hardest to take
care of me and my neurosis. Abigail had changed her position to transverse just
a week prior, and I had felt a very significant decrease in movement. That
wasn't something I handled very well. Decreased movement is grounds for
constant monitoring in my mind. They assured me that the third little girl in
my womb was healthy and thriving after the biophysical profile and cord doppler
were done. I told the doctor that my nerves had pretty well had all they could
take. I was at the end of pregnancy, and it was to the point where she would do
well outside. I saw no point in leaving her inside and having something
terrible happen. So in my 36th week, I was to come in for an ultrasound on
Monday, January 28th and be sent to the hospital for induction. I only had to
survive from my appointment on Thursday to Monday, easy peasy, right? Ugh. Well
I did pretty well, and so did Abigail, until around 5:00 Monday morning. I
couldn't get her to move. I mean; nothing. I had an anterior placenta (again),
and knew that could be affecting what I was feeling. But I was really feeling
nothing. So I panicked, grabbed my doppler, and went downstairs to search for
her heartbeat. I didn't want to worry Arthur until I knew something for sure
(sad to think that way, but maybe that's some PTSD). I sprawled out on the
couch and covered my belly with cold ultrasound gel. I took the probe in my
shaking hand, praying to find a heartbeat, and heard faint sounds, but nothing
like normal. I felt sick. I was terrified. I searched frantically, and felt
what I thought could've been a little kick, but I couldn't allow myself to be
too hopeful. Then there it was, her little heart beating, the sound was music
to my ears. I felt my entire body of clenched muscles begin to relax, we were
okay. She was still alive in there. So with that, I went back to bed. I didn't
sleep, but lay there in the quietness and felt her move. Surely and steadily.
And I counted the hours.
Later
that morning we all got up and got ready for our appointment. I made sure my
bags were packed and I had left outfits and detailed instructions for Addalee's
routines for her grandparents to take care of her during our hospital stay. It
was hard to believe we had made it and were going to meet our third daughter
that day. Addalee was going to have a
(living) sibling!
The ultrasound and
appointment went well. Abigail still
looked good and healthy. The ultrasound
tech did another cord Doppler, and I asked questions about the location of the
cord. The understanding that my doctor
and our sweet ultrasound tech have is that they won’t tell me when our babies
have their cord wrapped around their necks.
It’s a way to keep me from being unnecessarily terrified. I mean, the statistic is that 1/4 of all live
births have their cords wrapped around their necks. It only VERY rarely causes real issues, and
even then, more rarely death. But with
our history, no one wants to leave anything too much to chance. I was dilated to 2 already! So, with some
information left out of my version of the story (thankfully), I was sent to the
hospital to begin the induction process.
From there, things
moved pretty quickly. I got checked in,
changed into the super stylish hospital gown and hopped in the bed. My IV was started, and anesthesia was called
to start my epidural so I could have my water broken. They strapped the monitor to my belly, and
the sweet and steady heartbeat of the tiny girl in my belly filled the room. All was well.
I got my epidural (which was actually painful this time around), and my
doctor was in the room shortly to break my water. The epidural hadn’t really had time to fully
take effect, but he told me it was time to get started. So with that, he got to work…ouch. With all the moving around, the monitor lost
Abigail’s heartbeat. I wasn’t worried
because I know the external monitors aren’t terribly effective when mom is
writhing around and moving the sensors.
But then I noticed the quiet efficiency with which the nurses and doctor
were working. I saw their stoic
faces. Obviously the light and cheerful
mood in the room only a few minutes earlier had changed drastically. One nurse was helping the doctor; the other
was pushing the sensor into my belly, frantically trying to hear the baby’s
heartbeat. They were talking to each
other, but I couldn’t understand the words through my panic. Nothing. Silence.
That’s all I was hearing. The
deafening silence of the absence of a heartbeat. How could this be happening?! "Should I be scared?" I asked the nurse. She said, "Not yet." Finally, my doctor told me that he had to put
in an internal monitor. It was going to
be quite painful, but he needed to get it on the baby. I didn’t care, I just wanted him to fix
it. He was right, it did hurt. A
lot. But then there was her
heartbeat. But it was so so so slow. At its lowest, it was 48bpm. It hovered around 60bpm for a few
minutes. Those were some of the longest
minutes of my life. During this time, my
blood pressure was dropping, so I was being turned to my side in an effort to
bring it back up. As I turned, I could
see Arthur, praying. And I lost it. I
just had to cry. They gave me oxygen and
turned me over onto my other side and finally, her heartbeat came back up to
normal, and everyone (except me) breathed easier. I was still reeling, and having a hard time
getting calmed back down. I was finally
able to when my doctor assured me that if there were any more issues, we’d have
us a baby in about 5 minutes. I was only
just down the hall from the O.R. and he’d make sure this baby made it here
safely.
After being reassured
that everything was okay, I was left to progress. Unfortunately, any time I sat up at all, my
blood pressure dropped, so I had to stay laying down for most of the labor. I made it to 5 cm after about 8:00pm. It seemed like it was going to be all night
before we got to meet our girl! But by
about 8:45, I was checked again, and it was almost time! I could feel a lot of pressure, and knew that
it was almost time to push. My doctor and the team were preparing the room for
our girl’s arrival, and I was secretly wondering if they were going to have it
ready in time! Once they (finally) were
ready, it was time to push. 4 pushes and
she was mostly out. My doctor handed the
scissors to Arthur to cut the cord, but he’s a bit squeamish, so he deferred to
my mom. There was some delay getting the
scissors handed to my mom since she was standing back a little, and my doctor
said, “We’ve gotta go, now.” He had to
go ahead and cut her cord, it was around her neck, and it was tight. So, he cut it and suctioned her. It seemed like ages before we heard any sound
from her. But then she let out a small
cry, just one small cry, and the room erupted.
Just a second later, she was out all the way and placed on my
chest. The medical team mentioned that
there was some meconium there at the end, which is super scary, but that she
hadn’t ingested any, so she was okay.
After her tests and exams were completed, we were informed that we had a
healthy baby girl. Whew!
Congratulations, if
you’ve read this far! Sorry it’s so
long, but there are a lot of these details that I wanted to make sure I had
recorded. It’s a miracle that I can
remember any of them, as I had to be readmitted to the hospital less than a
week after being discharged with Abigail, and was on some heavy duty meds. That story is coming up next.
To all who thought of us and prayed for us during the pregnancy and delivery, THANK YOU!
