Capture Your Grief - Days 1 & 2

As I said yesterday, I’m struggling with words right now.  October is a difficult month, and I’m excited for this, well distraction, for lack of a better term.  I saw the Capture Your Grief 2012 photo challenge from Carly Marie and Project Heal.  I felt like this was something that I could do each day, as a way to process all that this month holds, the good, the bad, and the impossibly hard.

I'm playing catch-up to day 1.  It's Sunrise.  It’s been a dreary couple of days here, so I decided to capture a different type of sunrise.  This is my little sunshine, Addalee, waking up this morning.  She makes my heart smile.

Day 2.  It's a Before Loss Self Portrait.  We weren't really big picture takers of me during my pregnancy with Caroline.  I fully regret that now, but it is what it is.  So as a result of my hiding from the camera, we don't have a lot of pictures of me pregnant with her.  However, we do have some.  This one is from one of the showers that were thrown for us.  It was just a few weeks before we lost her, and if you could see my face, it has a big fat perma-grin.  I was happy, things were beautiful, she was healthy. 

Sugar and Spice

I’ve been struggling to find words lately.  My life is filled with such joy and at the same time, a big fat mess of sorrow.  Today though, I’m only going to focus on the joy:

We are thrilled to announce that Caroline and Addalee are going to (Lord willing, PLEASE PLEASE) have a baby sister in February.  Things are going well in this pregnancy, I even passed my glucose test (P-Uke)!  That was a huge relief since I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy with Addalee.

I'm so hopeful for this sweet baby to arrive alive and healthy.  I'm excited for Addalee to know what it's like to have a sister.  After all, she DOES have a sister...well, 2 now!  Shortly after we found out that Addalee was a girl, Arthur and I were shopping in Target and I saw these 2 little girls also shopping with their mom.  They were very close in age, and they were giggling and playing together.  The breath was knocked out of me when I thought of how close Caroline and Addalee should have been.  Then I overheard one of their sweet voices say, "Hey sister!" (but it sounded like "thith-toh")  I cried then and there.  Arthur heard it too, and then saw me break down...oh the joys of ugly crying in public...you humiliate the person you're with too!  It's always been something I wanted for our children, to have siblings. Now that actually seems like it could be within reach.

We're very cautiously and prayerfully hopeful for our 3rd sweet girl to get here alive and well.  We've been throwing around some names, but nothing has stuck yet.  If you have any suggestions, please send them our way! :)

23

I can’t believe it’s almost been 2 years.  Actually, 23 months today, to be exact. 

I wish I could say that Caroline’s looming birthday wasn’t weighing heavy on my heart, but it is.  I’ve been finding myself crying more than I had been, talking about her even more than normal, and missing her so badly it keeps me up in the night.  I daydream about what she would be like, how tall she would be, if she’d like broccoli, if she’d like music, if she’d like me.

This week, Addalee took her first steps.  It was so sweet.  Her little chubby feet, placed clumsily one in front of the other, while we cheered for her.  She only took a few steps because she had to stop and cheer for herself!  All the while, I was crying like a baby. Bittersweet.

I wasn’t really a weepy, highly emotional person until we lost Caroline.  Now, I cry when I’m happy.  I cry when I’m sad.  I cry when I’m mad.  And sometimes, I just cry.  It’s not something that I love.  But I do love that I feel things and appreciate the life I have, and the life I get to have with my child(ren). 

While I love getting to see Addalee grow up, it always strikes me when she hits milestones that I missed every.single.one. of them with her big sister.  We missed everything from her first cry, to those sweet first steps.  And I still think of all of those new experiences that we didn’t have, almost 2 years later.

I met a woman when Addalee and I were out shopping today.  She had to stop and tell me that Addalee was pretty (Thank you, we certainly think she is!).  Her daughter-in-law is expecting their first grandbaby, she’s 14 weeks along and they’re so excited.  I know that story. I lived that story, until it stopped.  I was pleasant; I talked about how exciting it is to find out the gender, I shared about shopping for a much anticipated baby, and some of the baby items that we appreciated.  Somehow, she came up.  Somehow, and I don’t even remember how, I told her of my Caroline.  Her face dropped and she took a step back from me.  With a horrified face, she told me how sorry she was, and then said, “What did you do?  I mean, did you have a funeral?  For your baby, how…I mean, how do you do that?”  Honestly, I’ve gotten fairly comfortable talking about Caroline and our experiences surrounding my pregnancy with her, delivery, funeral, etc.  But I was honestly a little surprised that this is where our conversation had taken this turn.  I really thought I’d heard about all there was to hear from people who are blindsided by my sad story.  Guess not.  Maybe we’ll just stay in tomorrow!

Family Outing

We took a family visit to our old stomping grounds this weekend.  Is that even something that’s still a saying?!  Arthur and I met when I was in college.  A friend and I went to see his band play.  I had a thing for the tall guitar player, and he didn’t care that I existed! :)  My my, how far we’ve come!

I really feel like we’ve been around the world and back since we started dating those years ago, in that cute little town.  We’ve both graduated, got married, moved to a new city, got new jobs, got pregnant with our first and very much wanted baby girl, moved back to our home city, lost that beautiful girl, were blessed with a little sister for Caroline, are expecting another sweet baby who will, Lord willing, be making his or her debut in February.  Writing it out like that makes it seem so neat and easy. Of course, there’ve been lots of lots of wonderful and beautiful memories made, and some almost impossible times survived in these 9 years.

When we began planning our trip, I didn’t think for a second that there would be a swell of emotion associated with going back.  On the way there, I fought tears for a long while.  Partly because of how far we really have come, and we’ve lived to tell about it, partly because it felt so good to be going back to a place that holds so many great memories for our little family.  But part of our family wasn’t going back to visit.  Part of our family is missing.  And that hurts.  It still stings.  It still brings tears to my eyes when I least expect it. 

Despite the sadness that is right under the surface most of the time, we had a great day.  Addalee was a bit fussy.  She’s in the process of cutting some more teeth, and that has to be uncomfortable.  But she was a trooper. 

Getting ready to explore campus.  Of course, I've got my Larry the Cucumber book!

Waving and sun squinting with Daddy!

Sun squinting with Mama!

We were much happier about the goofy family picture than Addalee was! Ha!

Can you spot the little surprise in this picture?

Pretty flowers, leaves, and dirt...oh my!

All worn out after her big day

Survey Participation Opportunity

I saw on Facebook earlier that the Star Legacy Foundation is conducting a "confidential online survey to collect information from stillbirth mothers and those who delivered living children to identify differences in their prenatal experiences and observations."  They're hoping to be able to identify stillbirth risk factors and help in future stillbirth prevention research.

I just completed the survey and it took me about 15 -20 minutes.  I don't always participate in things like this, but felt like I would do this one.  I mean, if we can get more information about what really goes on in pregnancy and get ahead of even one stillbirth cause and save some babies, I'm all in.

I just thought I'd pass it along!

From their website:

http://www.starlegacyfoundation.org/STARS%20Study.php

The Star Legacy Foundation announces the launch of a confidential online research study designed to collect information from stillbirth mothers and those who delivered living children to identify differences in their prenatal experiences and observations. It is hoped this information can be used to identify stillbirth risk factors and direct future stillbirth prevention research.

The death of an unborn child is a devastating event which occurs over 26,000 times a year in the US and over 4.5 million times each year around the world. Approximately half of these deaths are after 28 weeks gestation (late stillbirth). In most high-resource countries, the rate of stillbirth has not decreased in recent years and very little research is being conducted to identify the risk factors associated with stillbirth in order to develop prevention strategies.

While acknowledging the pain of any pregnancy loss, this study will focus on late stillbirth (28 weeks or more gestation).

The study is seeking participation by mothers of infants, both stillborn and live-born or soon to be born in this confidential survey. For more information or to participate in the study, go to:www.starlegacyfoundation.org/

The Star Legacy Foundation is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization located in Eden Prairie, MN, dedicated to stillbirth research, education and prevention.
University of Michigan # HUM63655.

Addalee's First Birthday!

It’s not been quite a month yet, but there was quite a bit of recuperating after Addalee’s first birthday blowout.  We were super shocked by all the amazing friends and family that came and shared in the special day with us.  I also learned a few lessons: 1) Our house is not quite big enough for the amount of people we crammed in here 2) My mom is super woman - for throwing me awesome birthday parties as a kid.  And helping me pull this one off! 3) We’re so amazingly blessed 4) Her second birthday party won’t be quite as big!

So, a few weeks later, I’m going to share some pictures.  I didn’t hire a professional photographer, nor am I an expert photoshopper, so these are just for fun!  The pictures don’t actually do the day justice though, it was really pretty awesome!

The front of our house, with the tissue paper balls for a pop of happy color

The birthday girl’s outfit

The birthday girl and her happy mama as she was waking up from her nap just before the festivities began.

Happy girl playing with her balloons

Birthday girl high chair (with handmade (by me!) cover and tutu)

Favors - bubbles for the big kids and board books for the little ones

Polka dot cakes!

1 year banner

Not so happy to be getting strapped into her highchair!

Not too sure about the cake (or the fire on top!)

“Thanks, Mom.  That tastes pretty good!”

“Actually, it tastes good enough to clap!” :)

“Can I really touch it?”

“Oh okay, I think I like this whole birthday cake thing!”

“I REALLY like this birthday cake thing!!”

“MMMMMMMmmmmmm…”

Pretty pretty cake (baked by my amazing friend Amanda).  It tasted even better than it looked!

“That was FUN!”

Playing with her sweet friend, Briella.

Opening presents!

Birthday girl is getting tired.  But it was an amazing day!

Bringing the Outdoors In

I’m all for nature and bugs and whatnot.  I’m just not a huge fan when outside things come inside my house.  Today, Addalee and I were playing and putting blocks and other things in a basket.  I pulled the last of the blocks out to find a lizard. 

Lizards don’t really bother me, when they’re OUTSIDE.  I mean, they’ll sometimes give me a good startle, because they move so quickly and are kind of snakey for a second until my mind catches up to them. 

When I found this one, at first I just stared at it.  I guess I was trying to decide how such a life-like plastic lizard had gotten into this toy basket.  And when did I buy that, anyway?  Wait, that’s real!?!  These thoughts were followed by a horribly and amazingly slight girly scream and a throw of the basket.  Gah!  I picked up Addalee so that she wasn’t on the floor with the "horrible creature," and she cried.  I scared her.  The stupid lizard scared me, and I screamed like a little girl and scared my kiddo.  Boo.

Once we both got calmed down, I went over to the basket to take the "beast" outside.  As I picked up the basket, it ran under the couch.  Awesome.  And I then discovered poop in the basket.  Gah-ross!  If you’re going to come into my house uninvited, at least don’t poop where the kid plays!  Come on!

So, that’s our adventure in indoor nature today.  Neither of us was a big fan.  But I think we’ll both survive!

Our adventure in picture book mode:

(photo credits in links under pictures)

At first, I thought I saw this.

But then I thought I saw this.

So, I did this.

 Which, sadly led to pitiful Addalee doing this.

And that made mama feel like this.

(picture of me being pretty unhappy on a camping trip a long time ago! :) )

But before long, Addalee was back to this, whew!

P.S. Hopefully, I'll have pictures of Addalee's first birthday party up soon! Yay!

Addalee's Birthday (And Birth Story)

One year ago.  It’s already been a whole year, and I can hardly believe it.  This entire year has flown by.

I haven't shared a birth story yet, so decided it was about time!

On August 22, 2011, I was filled with nerves, excitement, fear, anticipation, and hope.  We’d made it through 36 of some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Pregnancy after a full term stillbirth is not for the faint of heart.  There were days that I preemptively grieved this little girl, as a way to almost prepare myself for if she didn’t make it, like her big sister.  It was a protective reflex, not something I wanted, just some PTSD, I’m guessing. 

We’d been to the doctor the previous Thursday for an ultrasound and NST.  Addalee was looking good, but not great.  Her growth was tapering off.  It was getting to the point where she was better off out than in.  We were told to come to the office first thing Monday, 8/22/11, with our hospital bag, for another ultrasound evaluation of Addalee’s growth and overall health.  That was a long and stressful weekend, but we’d made it.  Turns out, she’d grown, but not a ton.  It was Addalee’s birthday!  We were sent over to the hospital to get checked in and start induction.  So we called our families.  With happy news this time, and it felt amazing.

Checking in was bittersweet.  The last time I’d sat in that chair was the night I’d gone in knowing that something was terribly wrong with Caroline.  (We didn’t know for sure that she was gone at that point, but I suspected and didn’t want to believe it.)  I had requested to not be in the same room in which we’d delivered Caroline, so at least I knew that wasn’t going to be an issue.  I was so full of hope for the baby girl I was carrying, and so full of grief for the baby girl I’d delivered in that same hospital less than a year before.  Everyone was so good to me.  I’m sure that my nurse friends had gone ahead of us and told people of our situation, but it seemed like everyone was extra nice to us.

I got settled into the room.  I put on that super smoking hospital gown and started getting IV fluids in preparation for the epidural (‘cause that’s how I roll).  I got hooked up to the external monitor, and it was semi-comforting.  Addalee kept running from the monitor, so it alarmed several times, which was terrifying, but we were assured that it was just the baby moving around.  We got some meds started to get the ball rolling and I just laid back and went with it (like I was really that relaxed!). 

Dang, I was looking good! 

A little while later, I was feeling some contractions.  I was asked if I was ready for the epidural and I said, “Yes, please!”  I got the epidural and I wish I could say that I was feeling good, but I was feeling pretty horrible.  My nurse was checking something, I’m not sure, but she was talking and I could hear her like she was miles away.  The lights started to get really dim.  I was passing out.  My blood pressure dropped significantly after the epidural.  Apparently this is something that can happen, but I wasn’t expecting it.  So after several doses of epinephrine, I was feeling shaky and nauseous, but awake. 

After I got back to mostly normal, my doctor came in to break my water.  This was going to speed things up significantly.  It also made it to where we could have the internal monitor, which was significantly more reliable than the external.  I was still having some pain from the contractions on my left side, so they had to boost my epidural, which meant another dose of epinephrine.  But once they gave me another bump, I was feeling NOTHING.  Like seriously, NOTHING at all.  Except that my legs weighed about 2 tons each.  (ha)

It was nearing dinner time, and I knew that the family members who were waiting with us were getting hungry.  I felt like it was still going to be a while, so I told them to go on and get something to eat.  I almost had everyone convinced, then the nurse came in to check me.  I had only been at like 6cm an hour before, so I wasn’t expecting much.  She asked me if I felt any pressure, and I didn’t.  Then, she looked at me and said, “Don’t push!”  “Let’s get the doctor in here, now.”  I was much further along than 6cm!  And since I couldn’t feel anything at all, I had no idea!  Glad the family didn’t listen to me!

So, the doctor was there, as well as the rest of the team, including some NICU nurses just in case, since she was a month early.  We were ready; it was time to push (OH MY GOSH!).  I pushed for a fairly short time, and she had her cord around her neck, and my heart sank when I heard the doctor say that.  But he was able to slip it over her head, and we proceeded with pushing.  A few minutes later, she was here.  She only cried a tiny quiet cry, but it was the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life.  She was placed directly on my chest.  She was breathing.  She was moving.  She was tiny and perfect.  She had Caroline’s face, those precious cheeks.  That moment that I’d been waiting for, finally was here!

Our first (almost) family picture.

Birth Announcement

This year has been full of a zillion emotions, and thankfully a lot of joy with this girl.  She’s provided a light in the darkness of grief.  She’s given me love and laughter, and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for her.

A photo for each month, newborn to 12 months.

Happy 1^st birthday, Addalee.  Mama love you more each day!

Officially...

This is the picture I originally wanted to share, but just couldn't hold my horses!  So anyhow, I'm sure some of you saw this on Facebook, but I wanted to share it here.  I was pleased with how it turned out.

Almost a Year!

Addalee’s birthday is just around the corner.  Her first birthday.  It’s exciting.  It’s happy.  It’s awesome.  And I’m having trouble planning the party.  Why?

Well, I think part of my problem is that I procrastinate like it’s going out of style when I feel overwhelmed.  So instead of being productive and actually accomplishing something (ANYTHING), I choose to watch TV or play with Addalee (which actually is productive, but you know). 

I also have a crazy busy (or wonderfully exhausting) 11 month old and some pretty nasty morning sickness (thankfully).

Then, there’s the fact that I have all these ideas, and they sound wonderful, but how do I accomplish them?  Some are expensive, others time consuming to make, or maybe just too complicated and fussy.  I want the party to be perfect.  I think I need it to be something that I’ve built up in my mind, for almost 2 years.

Yes, this is Addalee’s first birthday, but our family has already celebrated one daughter’s first birthday.  Caroline’s first birthday was NOTHING like what I wanted and dreamed of when I was carrying her.  We did a balloon release and had so many family members and loved ones here to celebrate and remember, but it fell short.  We thankfully had Addalee here for her big sister’s birthday to help fill our arms, but we ached for our first girl.  Telling your little girl, “Happy birthday,” through prayers just isn’t what you ever expect.

But, because I really am very excited, I’ve made myself a to-do list, and I’m trying to chip away at it each day.  I’ve been busy, and I kind of feel like I’m losing my mind…but that’s how you’re supposed to feel as a mom, right?!  I can’t wait to share pictures with you all!

In other news, we had a little scare with Baby Ramsey 3 over the weekend.  Ain’t that just about right?  It wasn’t too bad, but I had a little bit of spotting.  I felt pretty confident going into this pregnancy that I had basically seen it all in my other 2 pregnancies.  Never did I have any spotting, so I was a little worried.  Come to find out, after being examined and having an ultrasound, I have a marginal placenta (and it’s expected to be anterior again…OF COURSE), which means it covers a portion of the opening of my cervix, but it’s likely going to move up as my uterus grows.  So this isn’t a real complication, yet.  But seriously, it would be nice to have a smooth pregnancy!  Honestly though, my pregnancy with Caroline was beautiful and text book, and the end result was, well we all know.  So, in some sick way, I take these little hiccups as a good sign.