They Were Blue

Her eyes were blue.  Caroline’s eyes were the same color as her little sister’s eyes.  I just learned this TODAY.  I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t look at her eyes in those 4 hours I spent holding her.  It’s something that I have kicked myself for since the day of her funeral.  I didn’t look at her eyes.  I could only use my imagination to visualize her eyes. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law and mentioned that I hated that I missed my chance to see my sweet girl’s eyes.  I cried as I told her that I didn’t know if her eyes were blue like her Daddy’s (and now her sister’s), or if they were brown, like mine.  She simply said, “They were blue.”  I told her that I had always visualized them being blue, in my dreams, in my thoughts, they’re blue.  I thought she was just guessing as Arthur and I have been in these almost 2 year without her.  But she went on to tell me that she did look at them.  Wow.  I have one more tiny piece of the puzzle of my girl that I didn’t get to keep.

It might seem like a small detail (to those who haven’t walked this path).  But when you only have precious few hours to capture a lifetime of memories, every.single.thing. matters.  I didn’t do things exactly as I wish I had.  I missed things that I will always wonder about, but I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances.  But today, I can tell you, her eyes were blue.

Mother's Day...And a Card Idea!

It’s that time of year again.  Sappy commercials and brightly colored store displays tell me it’s Mother’s Day again.  Ugh.  Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m a huge fan of my mom and grandmothers.  But I could really just skip Mother’s Day altogether.  I’m sure (read hoping) this year will be better, at least a little bit, but I’m still sad thinking of not having Caroline here.  I’m also terrified that someone will wish me a happy first Mother’s Day.  Yeah, thanks…not so much.

I’m sharing a little idea with you today that I think is neat for a few reasons.  First and foremost, I don’t have to stand in the store and shop for a card (and cry).  Second, I think homemade things are more special.  Third, being a one income family now, it’s nice to save money wherever we can.  And cards can get expensive.  So, here it is:  How to make a flower seed paper card.  These are pretty rad because you can actually plant the paper and flowers will grow!  A card AND flowers, see, rad!

First, gather your supplies:

• Scraps of construction paper
• Packets of flower seeds (I used Impatience and Forget-Me-Nots for 2 separate batches)
• Water
• Blender or Food Processor
• Colander
• Paper Towels
• Any card making supplies you would like

Rip the construction paper into small pieces

Place paper in blender (or food processor) and add enough water to just cover the paper

Blend until mostly smooth - this WILL smell just like kindergarten!

Gently stir flower seed packet into mixture

Pour mixture into colander and allow water to drain.  I found it helpful to press some of the water out…but be gentle.  You don’t want to lose paper or seeds through the colander.

Transfer mixture onto paper towels and press into a thin layer.  Place another layer of paper towels on top to help wick away moisture.  Allow to dry overnight or until completely dry.  Mine took about 24 hours.

Finally, just create and decorate a card however you want.  Cut flower paper into design and tape or glue onto front of card.

Now, you’ve got a pretty card to give your mom!  Yay!

Happy Mother's Day to all my special friends.  I will be thinking of you all and saying a prayer for all of those who have to endure a Mother's Day without their precious ones.  


***** Edited to clarify *****
You plant the paper that you made/dried.  Just pull off the design that you cut out, plant, water, and wait! :)


And I would LOVE to see your cards.  Send me pictures of your completed cards!

18 Months

It’s been a year and a half.  She’d be 18 months old.  I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what a day in the life of an 18 month old would be like and I don’t have the guts to read those emails that I STILL get from time to time.  I miss her.

I can’t believe it’s been so long and that we’re headed for her 2^nd birthday.  So much has happened.  So much has changed.  So much has stayed the same in my heart though. 

Having Addalee here has been a great distraction.  She’s a blessing and ray of sunshine in our lives.  I only hope that we are able to honor Caroline in being Addie’s parents.  I hope she knows how much we love her and miss her.

I’ll be honest, I’m still a little nervous about Mother’s Day.  Last year, it was kind of one of the crappiest things I could think of.  All those stupid cards in the stores, the sappy commercials on TV, yuck.  Even though I have a living daughter here, Mother’s Day just doesn’t make me all that happy.  I hope this is something that will change.  I hope that it will lose its bitterness.  I hope that it will just be a good day in the coming years.  Only time will tell.

Addalee is 8 months old now and full of personality.  She’s such a booger!  She laughs, spits, squeals, kicks, and screams in excitement.  You can’t help but share in her joy.  She’s swaddle free now…yes, it took us 8 months, so what?! ;)  She has a serious independent streak and loves to do things on her own.  I guess I’m just lucky she still needs me to do some things for her or she’d probably just get her own place! 

Nap Time

Nap time is quiet.  Typically, I use the quiet time for my personal time.  I can read a magazine, exercise, plan our week’s meals, or let’s be honest, shower or use the bathroom!  Today’s nap time was a little different.  I got Addalee down for her nap with little to no effort, one benefit of playing until she can barely hold her eyes open!  Then I went into my room and surveyed the space.  My eyes were drawn to the picture of Arthur and me kissing Caroline’s precious little face that I have on my nightstand.  My chest actually hurt with the sorrow of missing her.  I broke down.  I sobbed.  I haven’t allowed myself the time to really let it all flow in quite some time, so I guess I had a backlog to catch up on.  Don’t get me wrong, I never stop missing her.  But I just usually don’t let myself slow down enough to really concentrate on the hugeness of her absence. 

I keep a toy box in our room that has Caroline’s name on it.  It was a shower gift.  It’s happy and pink and has flowers.  Exactly what I think she would like.  Instead of being filled with toys, it’s filled with little pieces of memories.  I’ve kept things from the pregnancy, little outfits that were never shared, all of her monogrammed bibs, burp cloths, cuddlies, etc.  And then there’s her baby book.  I started it a couple of weeks before she was born.  I never dreamed she wouldn’t be staying to fill up those monthly updates and immunization records.  There are also sympathy cards that we received from some truly amazing people.  I read them all again today.  That might sound strange, but to know that people recognized my sweet one’s life and passing is comforting.  To know they were sad with us, cried with us, hurt with us is encouraging. 

Caroline’s super special things are actually in a fire safe at our house.  They stay in a different place because they’re irreplaceable…the clipping of her hair, her chubby hand prints and footprints, the bracelet she wore, and her ultrasound dvd.  I actually watched it once, just to see her heart beating, her “breathing.”  Just to remember what it looked like to se her living.  I probably will watch it again someday, but I couldn’t do it today.

Nap time is so different than what I envisioned when we originally bought that crib.  The baby sleeping in it now isn’t the one that we’d planned on.  Things may not be as we planned, but they’re definitely happy (albeit with a decent dollop of sadness).  I will forever miss my first baby, my little Caroline.  And I will be forever grateful for her little sister, the ray of sunshine that she is.

When Addalee woke up from her nap, she saw my red eyes and looked at me strange for just a second.  Then she reached up her chubby little arms for me to pick her up.  She smiled, and giggled and cooed…exuding joy.  She is like salve to my soul, exactly what I needed.   

102.4

The sickness has been skulking around our house for over a week now.  It started with what I think was a stomach bug for Addalee, and then morphed into a semi-high fever and a pitiful sick little girl.  After getting her to the doctor and on the mend, Arthur and I started having some allergy/cold type gunk.  I don’t get sick often, so I’m kind of a giant baby when I do.  Poor hubby.

Something about dealing with sickness has made me miss Caroline all the more.  It seems like whenever we go through things with Addalee, I think more about Caroline.  I wonder how much more prepared for things I would have been if she had lived.  I mean, of course I would be more prepared…I would have a 1.5 year old; I would have been through a bunch of this before!  But then, as I’ve talked a little about before, I wonder how much less of a crazy person I would be about it.  In the name of full disclosure, I’ll just tell you that I thought of all the worst case scenarios when her fever kept climbing.  I envisioned a trip to the ER followed by a bunch of doctors, lots of tests, tubes, IVs, beeping equipment, etc.  I know that’s not what happens when kids get a minor infection.  But my mind always jumps there…possibly since I wouldn’t let it that horrible night with Caroline, and then we lived the worst case scenario. 

I’m pleased to announce that despite my wondering mind, I kept myself under control.  I gave her meds and kept her comfy, snuggled her, and kissed her hot little head.  I loved her harder because she was sick and she needed her mom.  I loved her harder because I didn’t get to care for her big sister that way.  I loved her harder thinking that maybe Caroline could feel it.

I guess it’s just a constant ebb and flow.  Sometimes I feel like I am on top of it all and able to handle things as they come, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed and truthfully, kind of scared.  Sometimes the grief I still carry missing Caroline is bearable, and sometimes I feel like it’s so heavy on my chest I can barely breathe.  But I keep managing and surviving, with lots of love, help, grace, and encouragement.  

Caroline's Spot and a Follow Up

I wish that visiting Caroline’s grave was easier for me.  I wish that I had that sense of peace and closeness to her that I thought I would have.  But honestly, seeing that tiny headstone and the bright flowers and tiny white fence, it rips my heart out.  It’s a reminder.  It’s not like I ever forget that she’s missing and that I’d give my own life to have her, but visiting her spot makes it hit me again…it’s real.  It really happened.  She really lived.  And she really is gone. 

Even though it’s emotionally difficult for me, I feel like it’s important to visit her grave as often as I can.  This past weekend was a special opportunity though.  As I’ve said before, Caroline is buried in a family cemetery.  I’m always thankful for this because I know that she’s always surrounded by the love of her/our family since she’s always close by for them.  Currently there are only 2 family members buried there, Arthur’s grandfather, and little Caroline. 

Arthur’s uncle has built a fence around the cemetery and asked the family to come and write our names, or whatever we’d like, in the concrete on top of the posts.  So, the whole family came up to do some clean-up and decorate the posts.  We were given the post closest to our sweet girl’s grave. 

We put Addalee’s hand prints.

And Caroline’s name with a little butterfly.

Overall, it was a great experience.  I’m thankful that Arthur’s family has worked so hard to make it such a beautiful place. 

And now a follow-up from last week’s post:

 

I have to admit, I didn’t expect to get nearly as many comments on my last post.  I wasn’t really sure that posting about this particular personal struggle would be a good thing, but it has been!  I feel so encouraged and loved!  Thank you!

It did my heart good to hear from each of you who responded with your own struggles and advice.  Somehow I had convinced myself that while I wasn’t alone in my grief of losing Caroline, I was in this particular struggle. Thank you for showing me that isn't the case, it means so much to me.

And finally a picture of Addalee…mostly just ‘cause I want to :)

 I just realized that it almost looks like she's giving a thumbs up! 

Sip & See

We are blessed to have people who wanted to do something for us in baby shower form before Addalee was born.  We’re even more blessed (in my opinion) to have so many wonderful people understand why we weren’t comfortable with that.  So, my sweet friends suggested we have a Sip & See.

I’d never really seen one, but understood the concept, and I was thrilled!  So, we showed up, and I was blown away.  It was all so pretty!  Everything was awesome!  The food was great and the friends were amazing! 

There was a special little moment too – while sitting at a table and chatting, I looked around and we were pretty much all moms who were missing a baby.  We talked a little about our kids that weren’t with us, shared some tears, and lots of love and support.  What a special gift!  I was so happy to be able to bring Caroline so much into this event that was centered on Addalee.

Simply blessed.

*The Sip&See actually happened at the end of January, and somehow I haven't gotten this posted until now.* 

Happy Valentine's Day!

When you were in school, did you have kids in your class that called it “Valentimes Day?”  I always did, and it aggravated me to no end!  I don’t know why I shared, but I feel better! :)

I’m thankful that this Valentine’s Day, we have a healthy girl here to share it with us.  Last year, it was tinged with sadness because our arms were still so painfully empty.  This year, we’re still very much missing our Caroline girl, but we’re loving every second with her little sister.

Their Daddy is a really sweet guy, he bought Addalee her own flowers!  She was super interested…mostly in getting them into her mouth!

He got me some too!

Happy “Valentimes Day”!!!

Parenting Advice - Or Something Like That

Yeah.  You know when you ask someone what they thing and they tell you?  That’s pretty cool.  How ‘bout when an old lady walks up to you and your cart (with your 5.5 month old in it) at Target and tells you what your baby wants?  No, not so cool.

Addalee and I went to Target to do a little shopping.  That girl is getting to the point where she’ll fight sleep, no matter what.  I knew that our shopping trip would coincide with nap time.  But, she enjoys riding in the car, and being pushed in the shopping cart, so I felt good about my timing.  She’s normally a great shopping buddy (which is pretty awesome, since I love shopping), but today she was having a grumpy day.  She was asleep when we got to the store and walked in.  She woke up as soon as I got her into the cart though.  She loves to look around, so we were just going about our business and “chatting” with each other.  She was soooo sleepy though, and started to fuss some.  Because she likes to look around so much, I covered up the top of her carseat (across the shade and handle…not over her face) with a little blanket.  Just so she wouldn’t have so much stimulation.  She could still see me.  I gave her a pacifier and she started trying to go to sleep. 

Back to my shopping list.  We were rounding a corner when she lost her paci…the horrors.  So, she cried some.  Granted, this was not the blood curdling scream of a hungry baby in Wal-Mart (hate that place) being neglected by super skank parents…this was a 2 second sleepy, grumpy, “give me my paci back” cry. Nonetheless, this kind lady decided to walk up to us, look into her carseat and tell me that she doesn’t like the blanket there.  She can’t see out.  Babies really like to see out.  Wow!  Thanks for the parenting tip!  I stayed polite though, and informed her that THIS baby was sleepy and really needed her nap.  To that, she said, “Well, you’re the mother…” 

Wow.  Just wow.  Yes, crazy lady.  I AM the mother.  Thank you so much for all your help.

I was shaken by that little encounter, and decided to finish up ASAP.  With Addalee being a happy camper again, we got in line.  We were playing with her toys while we waited, and another lady got in line behind us.  She came up to the cart so that she could see the baby, and Addalee gave her a precious little smile.  She told me about her children and their personalities…being friendly like Addie.  Then she asked me if this was my first.

Panic.

Slow motion… “Yes.”  Who said that?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!  Did I just say that?!  That sounded like my voice.  I’m almost certain that I said it, but have no idea how it happened.  I can’t believe I answered yes to that question.  It was too late for me to drop the real truth on her, so I just smiled and shook my head about how much of a blessing children are and how much they change your life…for the better.  She was being nice.  And I freaked out. 

I always say that Addalee is our second, and manage something about Caroline.  Of course, I don’t always go into the nitty gritty details of our life story, but I try to include her.  Sometimes I just say that Addie is our second child, and people don’t really ask much more.  Other times, I say that our first simply didn’t make it, or possibly even that she was stillborn in the 39^th week.  This time though, I didn’t.

I walked away from that shopping trip feeling pretty frazzled, honestly.  Who knew a Target run could be so exhausting?!

Sweet Caroline

Here lately, I’ve been thinking so much of Caroline.  I’ve been missing her somehow more than I had been…and it’s always so much.  Sometimes her absence is felt so much more strongly.  Sometimes I feel like I could crumble under the weight of the sadness.  Grief is so very lonely and she feels so desperately far away sometimes.

But something interesting has been happening.  Other people are mentioning my girl.  She’s been brought up, talked about, openly missed by so many others recently.  It’s really doing this happy/sad mama’s heart good.  During the course of this week, 2 of Caroline’s great aunts have mentioned her.  One of them mistakenly called Addalee by Caroline’s name.  She cringed a little when she did it, almost like she was afraid that it would hurt us.  But I just smiled and told her that I was thrilled that Caroline’s name is so easy to come to mind.  I love the fact that she’s on the hearts and minds of those we love.  The other one emailed me a devotional about if people in Heaven can hear us and see us down here.  I talk to her regularly and ask Jesus to tell her all kinds of things.  But to know that Arthur and I aren’t the only ones who think of our girl…that is such a blessing.

I think one reason things might be weighing a little heavy is that we’re having Addalee’s baby dedication this weekend…which I’m thrilled about.  But when you get to the “events” of life, you start really thinking of what “should have been.” 

I am a musical person, love music, wish I could play it!  I’ll be honest; I hadn’t even really ever given Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond a decent listen before we had Caroline.  So, if you ever had a question if her name came from the song…the answer is no.  I don’t love the song, but now appreciate that it says my girl’s name.  I pretty much have to cry every time I hear it, how lame is that?!  Oh well, it is what it is.  But there’s another song, it’s by Brandi Carlile and it’s called Caroline.  I’ve been tearing that song up lately.  It’s a happy little song, about a little girl (her niece).  The chorus:

Caroline, I'm on my way back home to you

Can't imagine what I'm goin' through

Without you by my side

It's been a long long time

Oh won't you say a prayer for me

I hope you will remember me

You're always on my mind

My Caroline

Now, to find a song that says Addalee! :)

Uncle Jimmy

I simply love this picture.  It shows my precious great-aunt Thelma (L) and my amazing grandmother, or Grans, as we call her on the right.  But there is someone else in this picture that is so very important.  My Uncle Jimmy.  You see, this precious little boy passed away not too long after this picture was taken.  Little Jimmy was the first child born to my dad's parents.  Unfortunately, he had a heart problem they discovered at birth.  The doctors told his parents that he wouldn't live to be a year old.  Crushing news.  With the famous family hard-headedness, my grandmother (and the rest of the family) set out to prove them wrong.  They did so much for that little guy, worked so hard, loved him endlessly.  Sadly though, he did pass away not long before his first birthday.  My grandparents went on to have 2 more children, both healthy.

I'm now sharing the story of our "Little Jimmy" with you, because he's part of Caroline's family too.  He's always been part of our family.  We've spoken of him, shared his story, dreamed of what he would be like if he'd survived - the oldest child of the family.  It's been over 50 years and he's still thought of.   This warms my heart and gives me hope that maybe our Caroline will be talked about and thought of many years down the road.

My Grans was at the hospital when Caroline was born.  I was so sad that she had to experience the loss of another baby in her life.  But, she got to meet her great granddaughter, hold her, kiss her soft cheeks, and whisper loving words to her...priceless gifts.  And a priceless gift that Grans continues to give me, is that she makes sure to mention how many great granddaughters she has...4.  Not only the 3 living girls, but always including our sweet Caroline. 

Rainy Days and Mondays

I hate it, but it seems like some of my harder days do coincide with dreary weather.  We've had several dreary days, and I think they're taking a toll on me.  The other night, I was laying in bed, and it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks, I realized that we really did lose Caroline.  It was like I had been living in a dream for a time, and crashed back into real life.  I never have forgotten her, not for a second.  But it was almost like I was living a story, almost like it was too awful to be real.  But it was.  It is.  It hurt.  All over again.  All I could do was cry.  And since that night, I've been in a funk.  

I guess it kind of started when we made plans to attend a birthday party for some friends' daughter.  She turned 2.  They invited us, and for the first time since we lost Caroline, I was okay with going to a child's birthday.  I didn't skip a beat, we were just going to be there.  It was Addalee's first birthday party!  I was excited.  After buying a little gift and thinking about what it was going to be like, I was sad.  I was sad because Caroline isn't here and we should have been going to her little friends' birthday parties.  We should have gone to my closest friends' daughters' birthday parties that I had to bow out of because no one wants the scary crying lady at their kids' party!  

Long story short on the birthday party...it was very nice.  A good time was had by all, but it was bittersweet for me.  I guess so many things will be, and I'm just sad about that.  I think something else that's getting to me, is watching the wonders of Addalee growing up.  She's already 4 months old!  She is amazing!  She's funny and sweet and curious and crazy.  She's beautiful and fun and a buddy.  We missed so much with Caroline, and I hate that.

But, just as the weather will inevitably clear, this funk will lift off of me.  I'm ready.  I miss my girl, even on the sunshiny days, but these rainy days seem to get me down.

Safety Dance

For some reason, I woke up with the song Safety Dance in my head.  Awesomely lame song with an awesomely lame video.  Despite this, it still was a hit.  But this post isn't about the Men Without Hats song from the '80s...it's about feeling safe.  I used to feel pretty stinkin' safe.  I've been really blessed to grow up in a safe place with a wonderful family and great friends.  Everything has always been really secure. But the sense of safety has been fading proportionately with time and the gaining of knowledge.  Some of the knowledge that I've gained has come in the form of wisdom with age.  I mean, we shed a bit of our naivete as we grow up.  We lose our sense of invincibility when we learn that bad things can happen to us or our peers.  This was probably a good thing for me...it kept me from being reckless.

Then there's the knowledge we never wanted to have to obtain.  This kind of knowledge comes from the tough things we go through.  In the whole growing up experience, we go through getting our feelings hurt by our "friends," breaking up with boyfriends/girlfriends, let downs, heartbreaks, sad things.  All of these work together to teach us lessons, and ultimately change us a little.

As I said, I've had a wonderful life.  But, I've been through some not-so-wonderful things in my days.  There have been some things that have knocked me off my feet.  I've always found my way back to my feet sooner or later...losing Caroline continues to rock my world.  I'm still shaky.  I'm still reeling sometimes.  I miss feeling safe.  I miss not knowing that the absolute worst can happen even when you've done the best that you can.

I might be a little nuts about some things now.  Poor Addalee, who knows how messed up she'll be because of her crazy overprotective parents.  I read something about SIDS not too long ago that really freaked me out.  It's a very real thing that happens to otherwise healthy children (sounds too much like the cord accident that took our first sweet girl).  I can't bear the thought of something happening to Addalee.  I know there's no guarantee (boy, don't I?!), but I couldn't help looking into some things to ease my mind.  I ended up with another monitor.  It's called a Snuza.

 It is pretty awesome.  It clips onto the diaper and senses breathing movement.  If no movement is sensed in 15 seconds, it vibrates to stimulate the baby to breathe.  If there is no movement for another 5 seconds, it alarms.  I clipped that little booger onto my little booger's diaper and slept peacefully for some nights...well, as peacefully as you sleep with a 3 month old baby!

I was starting to really feel comfortable in my role as Addalee's mom.  I was starting to really feel like she was really going to stay.  (I know this probably sounds crazy, but after you've gone through a loss, it seems unreal that you'll ever get to have a living child...at least to me.)  Then this past weekend, we were staying at my parents' house.  I laid Addie down in the crib, and tried to go to sleep.  I had a hard time sleeping.  Early in the morning, the alarm went off.  Arthur and I both sprung up from bed, he got to her first.  He picked her up, and she was okay.  She didn't gasp or cry, or look funny, or anything.  I guess it could have been a false alarm, but I just felt like something was off.  So fast forward, and she's fine, praise the Lord.  But, I'm shaken.    I miss feeling secure.

I guess there's just a delicate balance of fear and resolution.  I guess I just have to learn how to live with my new found knowledge, and trust that everything won't always be the worst case scenario.

I'm trying to learn how to dance again.  I just hope it doesn't take me too long.

Thanksgiving and Such

I really need to start doing better about posting updates.  But, let's face it...life is busy.  And I may be a horrible time manager these days.  Back in my professional life, I did much better about it.  I was a To-Do lister from the word go.  I worked to make sure that I was accomplishing the tasks required to get the job done.  Now though, I don't make To-Do lists.  I basically just try to get as much done during the day as possible, but I feel so disorganized!  Honestly, I just try to keep up with little Ms. Addalee!  She does a pretty good job of telling me what needs to happen yet.  I spend more time with rattles and Kick and Play seats than I do at my sewing machine and craft table, and while the house is a wreck, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

This all leads me to what I'm thankful for this year.  I have so much to be thankful for.  In my last post, I shared some of my very personal and raw feelings about feeling jealousy and anger.  I was told by one person that I seemed ungrateful and insensitive.  I hate that she felt that way.  I really do.  I never want to hurt someone with my words, never.  That's not what this blog is about.  It's about healing and love, and sometimes crafts and recipes :)  I share what I feel from my heart.  So, I will reiterate that I'm sorry if my words hurt you or seemed insensitive.  But I can't apologize for how I felt and feel.  I'm so thankful for Addalee, and all the other tons of blessings showered on me.  In the same breath as my thankfulness and joy, are hurt and sorrow and longing for little Caroline.  But this is just the balance that I'm trying to learn to live with.  Most days, I hold my head up and go through my day...other days, I just go through the motions.

Depression has been something that I've battled for years.  There, I said it.  It's like a dirty little secret.  A skeleton in my closet.  My depression started being unmanageable when I was 18.  I was a senior in high school, and it got out of hand.  Through years of hard work and some medication from time to time, I have learned to live with it.  I have learned how to manage this dark cloud that just sweeps in sometimes.  I think that this depression still lurks.  I think that it hangs around and waits to jump on my back when it senses weakness...and sometimes, I feel weak.  I have been working really hard lately to keep this ugly monster at bay recently, and I'm tired of working on it, to be honest.  I think that's why I've been having more anger, jealousy, and sadness than I was having for a while.  But, I guess the first step is realizing you have a problem, right?  So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

Thankfully, (see how I brought it back around there...pretty good, huh?) I have a super supportive family and a bright eyed, generally smiley little girl here to help me out.  Addalee is growing so much and I want her to SLOW DOWN!  She had her first Thanksgiving this year and she is gearing up for her first Christmas!  She already gave us her wishlist!  That stinker!

My family doesn't really do a traditional, "What are you thankful for?" thing, but I wish they did.  So, since I didn't do an official list anywhere, I'm going to give a few things that I'm thankful for now.
1.  My salvation - my guarantee that I'll see all my loved ones again
2.  My daughters - they're both amazing girls, and they've both changed my life in huge ways
3.  My husband - my constant companion, my best friend, and my strong shoulder to cry on
4.  My family - a crazy bunch of people who love me, even though they know me
5.  My friends - always supportive and always there
6.  Provisions - having a comfortable house, good food, clean clothes, dependable car

Just a few pictures from our Thanksgiving:

Caroline's First Birthday

October has come and gone.  I have to admit, that I’m glad it’s behind me.  October was a month that I was dreading for a while.  It held so much emotion that I was scared to face it.  The thing about most situations is that you can’t avoid them forever.  Even if I had tried to avoid Caroline’s birthday and all the emotion attached to it, the day still would have come.  So, I chose to try to embrace it as much as I could.  Some days were better than others, but overall it wasn’t quite as hard as I thought it would be. 

I couldn’t decide what I thought we should do to honor our sweet girl’s first Heavenly birthday.  It was a lot like picking out her headstone in that nothing seemed good enough.  I saw something from a fellow BLM that really seemed like something I wanted to do.  I went to Hobby Lobby and picked out some fabric that I thought was pretty, and flannel to line them, and made some blankets.  I made 2 boy blankets and 2 girl blankets.  I prayed for the families who would receive these blankets while making them and after they were completed.  I included a letter that Arthur helped me write that shared our sympathy and offered some helpful resources and Bible verses.  We all delivered them to the hospital the day after her birthday as a family.  It was nice to visit the L&D floor not as a patient (I delivered Addie at the same hospital).  I would love for those blankets never to be used…

With Caroline, we actually have 2 anniversaries: the day we got the worst news ever, and the day we got to meet our girl.  So, October 19^th is the saddest day.  I found that the lead up to that day was the worst for me.  I couldn’t help but cry at the drop of a hat.  Thankfully, my awesome husband took off work to spend the day with me that day.  He woke me up with Addalee in his arms and told me that we were going to just get out of the house for the day.  So, I got up and got ready and we spent the day shopping and around town.  It was a welcomed distraction.  We still talked about Caroline and how much we love her and miss her, but I didn’t sit and focus on the sadness of the whole situation. 

On her actual birthday, we went to the cemetery and put fall flowers on her grave.  We spent some time talking to her and telling her about our lives now and about her little sister (I wonder if she can hear us).  It was hard to visit that grave, and that tiny headstone, but it is each time.  I have to say though, that it was really tough to see October 20, 2010 on the stone and know that an entire year has passed since I held that sweet little baby girl.  It’s tough to acknowledge that we’ve spent each and every day of the last year missing her, yearning for her, and thinking of her…and it doesn’t stop here. 

I guess I tried to put a timeline to things – let me explain:  You know when a task is too daunting; you break it down into smaller tasks or pieces.  I had taken on a “one day at a time” kind of existence after we lost Caroline.  It became this even more so in my pregnancy with Addalee.  I dealt with Caroline and Addie together and separately.  The grief with Caroline was so painful that I had to only handle anniversaries as they came. I couldn’t think of anything in the future.  Just like now, I can’t imagine being 5 years away from her.  I couldn’t fathom what it would be like to be out 1 year from that horrible night.  I don’t know for sure how to make this make sense to the rest of the world, but I’m going to give it a shot…it’s almost like I thought that it would get better at 1 year.  Like maybe a little part of me felt like I’d either get her back, or just stop feeling it when I met that mark.  Maybe I felt like if I met that goal, the 1 year mark, I’d have completed the mission and I’d get the reward.  Of course, I know now, and really knew then that it would just be an anniversary and that nothing would change from the day before it to the day after it, except getting to really recognize her.  I think it has helped me though, to know that I’m still standing, and standing with more assurance than I was in the days following losing her.  It helps me to know that we’ve lived through this year.  We’ve done all these firsts and lived to tell about it.

After Caroline’s funeral, we had the whole family to our house.  It was October 22.  Those hours were the only time for quite a while that I remember feeling okay.  Having all those people around us, loving us, loving her, was healing to me.  I didn’t feel like myself, but I did feel like the haze lifted at least momentarily. Well, this year, October 22 fell on a Saturday, so we opted to have everyone over!  I was thrilled that the family was interested and it was wonderful!  We had soup and chili and good conversations.  It was a beautiful clear and sunny day, so it was so nice to be outside.  I got pink, yellow, and white balloons for the balloon release.

They were bright and cheerful and sweet.  We all gathered in the back yard, we all got our balloons and then I said a few words.  Then we released our balloons…

You could see them forever!  It was beautiful!  Happy birthday, little Caroline!

We had this little sweetheart to celebrate big sister’s birthday, which sure was a blessing to this broken heart!

Also – Happy Halloween!

 

Dragging Feet

Have you ever wanted to keep dragging your feet so that you don't have to face something?  Did you normally find that once you did, you had relief?  Perhaps because it wasn't as bad as you had anticipated, or maybe just to have that particular thing behind you lifted weight off your shoulders?

That's how it has typically worked in my life.  I think back to school when I'd have a book report or speech due...I would dread that like the plague, and then feel like I had a new lease on life when it was behind me.  In "adult life," I have had several dreaded things that I've come through.  I have tried to handle them with dignity and grace.  I always thought that I'd be able to.  Being a planner, I figured that I had prepared so that I could handle most any situation that could arise with dignity and grace.  That dignity and that grace went out the window when Caroline died.  My daughter died.  I couldn't muster any dignity, and I lost all my grace.  The only way I have survived to this point is by the sheer grace of God.  I actually feel kind of like I'm running on borrowed strength, under someone else's power.  I feel fairly weak, fragile, broken.

I was blessed to be able to experience so much good since we lost Caroline.  We experienced so many good things in our dark days following her death; little miracles to a crushed family.  Then we got a great big candle in the darkness, our Addalee.  She is such a blessing to this broken mama.  I know that Caroline helped me to love Addie with a love that I didn't have before.  I am incredibly thankful for this.  Caroline brought so many beautiful things into my life, through her life and her death.  She still brings a smile to my face (and a tear to my eye) each day.

Now back to the foot dragging I was talking about earlier.  October is so close.  October.  It used to be one of my favorite months, and autumn one of my favorite seasons.  Now, I'm dreading it.  I'm ignoring it, well, as much as you can ignore the inevitable.  You see, autumn is a wonderful season.  The air is crisp and cool, the leaves are beautiful, there are football games, hay rides, ghost stories, bon fires, trick-or-treating, and in our family, it's birthday season.  My husband, mom, and I all have birthdays in October.  We didn't feel like it was a happy coincidence that Caroline was going to be an October baby too.  Just another person to celebrate!  However, now October holds something I dread.  Each year, will be another year further from her.  Each year I will celebrate how much I love her, how much she changed me, how much I miss her.  Each year I will reflect on where she "should be" this time around, what milestones we're missing with her.  This is hard to face.  I don't want to face it.  I want Octobers not to roll around.  I want an October-less year.  I know this can't happen, and that really, I don't want it to.  I don't want to take the easy way out, Caroline deserves more than that from me, as does Addalee.  But it's so hard to stand up tall, take a deep breath, and just walk into this when all I want to do is cry and cover up my head.

So as I stand here, nearing the end of September, and looking over the edge of October, I'm scared.  I'm scared, but I'm still moving forward.  That's what I have to keep doing...one foot in front of the other.  Not each step is pretty, but I keep taking them.

Having this girl here makes it seem a bit easier

Anniversaries and Keeping Time

It seems like so much of our lives is spent keeping track of dates and times.  We're always counting down until our next appointment, marking off days until our big vacation, a loved one's birthday or retirement, a holiday.  After we lost Caroline, my first countdowns were those first few days after the funeral.  Each day, when 7:27 pm would pass, I'd tick another one off.  Then, I counted down until my 6 week checkup visit.  I had so many questions that I needed to have answered, and it felt like those weeks wouldn't go fast enough.  Then, I graduated to counting months.  And while I was counting "Caroline's months," I was blessed to be able to count Addalee's weeks.

Now, Caroline's little sister is here, and we're counting hours between feedings.  A welcomed countdown, so different than our past experience.  But, we're still counting Caroline's months.  And we're getting very close to Caroline's first birthday in Heaven.  I honestly don't even know what to do with myself.  The method I've chosen to deal with thinking of Caroline's first birthday has been to kind of ignore it up to this point.  It was kind of like I never really expected to get there...does that make sense?  So, we're so close to October that I can smell Autumn in the air.  And I'm terrified.  I don't have any idea what I should do.  I want to honor my sweet girl, my first daughter.  I want others to be able to honor her too.  I'm not sure if I should have a "birthday party," or what.  Basically, I'm clueless.  I don't know what I'm expecting to find from sharing this with all of you, or if I'm just spilling my guts.  Actually, I'm just spilling my guts.  I don't really know how to talk about this to the real world.  I have tons of people around me who support me and love me, but I'm just so stinking weepy when I talk about Caroline's birthday.  I'm missing her so badly these days and I don't want to always be Debby Downer.  I've heard a term that couldn't fit me better - I'm a "happy sad mama."  I'm so happy to have Addalee here, and I'm over the moon for her, but part of my heart is in Heaven with Caroline.

So again, I don't know what to do for Caroline's angelversary.  I want to do something special because I love her so much.  I think that a lot of my problem is that nothing seems good enough.

Another New Normal

We're trying to settle into our new new normal.  I have to admit, bringing home a baby after everything we have gone through still doesn't seem real sometimes.  I wish that I could say that it's been all sunshine and daisies since our little Addalee got here, but the honest truth is that it's been an emotional roller coaster just like these last 10 - 11 months have been, as well.  I debated on whether or not to even share these emotions with the rest of the world, but decided that I wanted to just be honest.  I want to say that Addie girl is wonderful and beautiful and I'm incredibly thankful for her.

I know that some of my emotions have come from the pregnancy hormone changes, but I also know that some of them have come from holding a baby for the first time since holding little Caroline.  Some of the emotions rushed in when I walked into the girls' room with little Addalee in my arms...knowing that I should have already brought a little girl home into that room, but that little girl is painfully absent.  Then there is the sadness attached to knowing that some people have forgotten our beautiful girl, our first baby, our Caroline...people have moved on, the world has continued to function, and now that we have Addalee here, they think that we've moved on too, that the sadness of losing Caroline is erased, that our family is complete.  We should be a family of 4, but are only 3...yet we are 3.

We DO have a little girl living here with us, and I can't believe how amazing she is.  Our family is settling in to having a "little bitty" here, not that it is taking a whole lot from them!  Basically everyone just wants to come hold her, stare at her, smell her beautiful baby smell.  Did I mention that she's amazing!?

There is one member of the family who has had some trouble adjusting....

Fur brother, Wally has been trying to figure out this whole baby thing.  Sometimes, I'm not convinced that he's a big fan...but he's warming up!

And, I just wanted to share a mad baby and a happy baby picture of our Addie Beth...for no other reason than I think they're cute! :)

Introducing...

I am pleased beyond measure to be able to introduce Caroline's little sister, Ms. Addalee Elizabeth.  She was born at 8:34pm on August 22.  She weighed 5lbs 5oz and was 19.5 inches long.  We are so thrilled that she is here, safe and sound and that God blessed us so much.  Of course, we still think about our sweet little Caroline girl, and miss her all the more.

I want to thank each of you for your love, support, and prayers during the waiting game of this pregnancy.  I am so excited to be able to continue sharing pieces of Caroline's family's life with you.

All our love,
Caroline's Family

Ranting and Raving

Yeah, so I've been putting off writing a post like this, but I just need to get this out.  So, consider this your warning...I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, that is not my intention.  K, thanks!

One of my (LEAST) favorite things that people have said to me after losing Caroline is that God just needed another flower for His garden.  I'm going to type it again, and ask that you read it slowly, and really focus on what the words are saying..."God just needed another flower for His garden."  Okay, so let me dissect this...my beloved daughter, whom I had an entire life planned with was plucked (like how I stuck with the garden theme there!?) from our lives to be taken to Heaven to be a mere flower in the garden of God?  He chose MY child to be one of the zillions of measly little flowers in one of His zillions of gardens in Heaven?  Now, I'm not saying that Heaven is not a beautiful place.  I can't even fathom with my earthly perception what glory Heaven must be.  But I know that my child is more important than a flower.  I know this to be a fact.  Now, before you think that I'm just a big fat ogre, I know that people are trying to be helpful when they say things like this.  I have just heard it enough times now that I need to vent about it.  I normally just smile and nod to a comment like this, a comment that proves that this person doesn't get it.  Plain and simply, they do not understand because they've never had to live through something like this.  That is an incredible blessing to them, but their words, though well meaning, are incredibly hurtful and nerve-wracking for me.

Breathe.

Alright, moving on.  One more, and then I should be feeling lighter..."I have a good feeling about this pregnancy."  "I just believe everything is going to be okay this time, I just have that feeling."  This one actually confuses me a little bit.  It confuses me because part of me appreciates it, and then part of me doesn't know what to do with it.  I always want to ask them, "Did you know that Caroline was going to die!?"  "Did you have a BAD feeling about my pregnancy with Caroline!?"  I truly do know that the people who have said this to me are incredibly sweet and mean nothing but the nicest things.  So I'm not really ranting or venting about this one so much as just expressing that I don't really know how to handle it.  I've talked to Caroline's Daddy about this more than a few times.  Our consensus is that we didn't know that everything could go so horribly wrong in our pregnancy with Caroline.  We didn't know to have a good or bad feeling.  No one did.  We were naive, and how I miss that beautiful and light naivete.  I honestly believed that Caroline was going to come home and live here with us.  I had no idea that she was going to be an angel baby.  If I had known she was going to Heaven instead of her nursery, I wouldn't have taken such pains to prepare of her arrival.  I wouldn't have planned everything from her coming home outfit, to the packs of diapers on the changing table, to the car seat in the car for weeks before delivery...I would have bought that beautiful white Christening gown she was buried in, and visited the memorial people to pick out a headstone...but that's just NOT what you do when you're preparing for a baby!

It's this blind belief that all was going to be well in our little world that I fear now.  I fear it because I was so incredibly blindsided.  I still can't believe sometimes when I look back on everything that this is real.  I can't believe it all really happened.  I can't believe our sweet little Caroline passed away before she took her first breath.  It's all still so surreal.  But, it is reality.  It did happen.  Our beautiful girl, passed from the safety of my womb to Jesus' arms.  That is what really happened.

I am progressing through this pregnancy with Caroline's little sister with all of this behind me.  I go through each day with her, with the knowledge of all that we've lived through.  I am beyond blessed to be here.  Our family has been so incredibly loved and cared for since we lost our beautiful little girl.  And I am incredibly thankful that God blessed us with Caroline's little sister (and so quickly).  This pregnancy has had some bumps in the road.  We have had a couple of scares, but she seems to be growing into a beautiful and healthy little girl.  I am now right about 2 weeks away from delivering Ms. Addalee into the world.  Lord willing, she'll be alive and healthy.  I truly believe she will be, but I know all to well that you can make it to the end of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby and not get a healthy baby to take home.  So, I'm asking for prayers as we go through these next 2 weeks or so.  Prayers for Addalee's health and safety, prayers for our family's peace and sanity, and prayers for a healthy delivery of a live and happy little girl.

Again, I hope that my words haven't offended anyone.  I assure you, that was never my intention.  So, if I have offended, I truly do apologize!