Mother's Day...And a Card Idea!

It’s that time of year again.  Sappy commercials and brightly colored store displays tell me it’s Mother’s Day again.  Ugh.  Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m a huge fan of my mom and grandmothers.  But I could really just skip Mother’s Day altogether.  I’m sure (read hoping) this year will be better, at least a little bit, but I’m still sad thinking of not having Caroline here.  I’m also terrified that someone will wish me a happy first Mother’s Day.  Yeah, thanks…not so much.

I’m sharing a little idea with you today that I think is neat for a few reasons.  First and foremost, I don’t have to stand in the store and shop for a card (and cry).  Second, I think homemade things are more special.  Third, being a one income family now, it’s nice to save money wherever we can.  And cards can get expensive.  So, here it is:  How to make a flower seed paper card.  These are pretty rad because you can actually plant the paper and flowers will grow!  A card AND flowers, see, rad!

First, gather your supplies:

• Scraps of construction paper
• Packets of flower seeds (I used Impatience and Forget-Me-Nots for 2 separate batches)
• Water
• Blender or Food Processor
• Colander
• Paper Towels
• Any card making supplies you would like

Rip the construction paper into small pieces

Place paper in blender (or food processor) and add enough water to just cover the paper

Blend until mostly smooth - this WILL smell just like kindergarten!

Gently stir flower seed packet into mixture

Pour mixture into colander and allow water to drain.  I found it helpful to press some of the water out…but be gentle.  You don’t want to lose paper or seeds through the colander.

Transfer mixture onto paper towels and press into a thin layer.  Place another layer of paper towels on top to help wick away moisture.  Allow to dry overnight or until completely dry.  Mine took about 24 hours.

Finally, just create and decorate a card however you want.  Cut flower paper into design and tape or glue onto front of card.

Now, you’ve got a pretty card to give your mom!  Yay!

Happy Mother's Day to all my special friends.  I will be thinking of you all and saying a prayer for all of those who have to endure a Mother's Day without their precious ones.  


***** Edited to clarify *****
You plant the paper that you made/dried.  Just pull off the design that you cut out, plant, water, and wait! :)


And I would LOVE to see your cards.  Send me pictures of your completed cards!

Happy Valentine's Day!

When you were in school, did you have kids in your class that called it “Valentimes Day?”  I always did, and it aggravated me to no end!  I don’t know why I shared, but I feel better! :)

I’m thankful that this Valentine’s Day, we have a healthy girl here to share it with us.  Last year, it was tinged with sadness because our arms were still so painfully empty.  This year, we’re still very much missing our Caroline girl, but we’re loving every second with her little sister.

Their Daddy is a really sweet guy, he bought Addalee her own flowers!  She was super interested…mostly in getting them into her mouth!

He got me some too!

Happy “Valentimes Day”!!!

Papa's Fudge

Well, Christmas time is here again.  Whether we're ready or not, it's upon us.  I honestly don't know exactly how I'm feeling about it this year.  Last year was really tough, it was only 2 months after we lost Caroline.  I was only just surviving at that point.  I remember decorating the house just on auto-pilot.  There were some things I didn't even remember getting out.

This year is completely different.  We have Addalee here.  It's amazing to have this gummy-smiling sweetheart of a little girl here with us.  But there's a big sister missing.  And her place in our family is WIDE OPEN.  I can feel the heaviness of her absence every single day, but maybe even more-so with the holidays.  So, I guess I'll explain my feelings as happy and so sad.  Just as they are most of the time, only magnified by all the lights and songs and happy family movies, etc.

I am thankful for my amazing family and I'm excited to get to spend time with all of them.  Everyone has traditional things that they love to make each year.  We actually kind of switch it up...we have a pool of things and just pick different ones each year.  My grandfather, or Papa, as we called him, was an amazing cook.  He helped my grandmother in the kitchen and out.  He was such a great man, and we miss him terribly.  My grandmother gave me his fudge recipe years ago...it was one of his favorite things.  So I made it.  And so should you.

Here's the recipe:

Seriously.  Make it.  You'll thank me. :)

And Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Thanksgiving and Such

I really need to start doing better about posting updates.  But, let's face it...life is busy.  And I may be a horrible time manager these days.  Back in my professional life, I did much better about it.  I was a To-Do lister from the word go.  I worked to make sure that I was accomplishing the tasks required to get the job done.  Now though, I don't make To-Do lists.  I basically just try to get as much done during the day as possible, but I feel so disorganized!  Honestly, I just try to keep up with little Ms. Addalee!  She does a pretty good job of telling me what needs to happen yet.  I spend more time with rattles and Kick and Play seats than I do at my sewing machine and craft table, and while the house is a wreck, I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

This all leads me to what I'm thankful for this year.  I have so much to be thankful for.  In my last post, I shared some of my very personal and raw feelings about feeling jealousy and anger.  I was told by one person that I seemed ungrateful and insensitive.  I hate that she felt that way.  I really do.  I never want to hurt someone with my words, never.  That's not what this blog is about.  It's about healing and love, and sometimes crafts and recipes :)  I share what I feel from my heart.  So, I will reiterate that I'm sorry if my words hurt you or seemed insensitive.  But I can't apologize for how I felt and feel.  I'm so thankful for Addalee, and all the other tons of blessings showered on me.  In the same breath as my thankfulness and joy, are hurt and sorrow and longing for little Caroline.  But this is just the balance that I'm trying to learn to live with.  Most days, I hold my head up and go through my day...other days, I just go through the motions.

Depression has been something that I've battled for years.  There, I said it.  It's like a dirty little secret.  A skeleton in my closet.  My depression started being unmanageable when I was 18.  I was a senior in high school, and it got out of hand.  Through years of hard work and some medication from time to time, I have learned to live with it.  I have learned how to manage this dark cloud that just sweeps in sometimes.  I think that this depression still lurks.  I think that it hangs around and waits to jump on my back when it senses weakness...and sometimes, I feel weak.  I have been working really hard lately to keep this ugly monster at bay recently, and I'm tired of working on it, to be honest.  I think that's why I've been having more anger, jealousy, and sadness than I was having for a while.  But, I guess the first step is realizing you have a problem, right?  So, I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

Thankfully, (see how I brought it back around there...pretty good, huh?) I have a super supportive family and a bright eyed, generally smiley little girl here to help me out.  Addalee is growing so much and I want her to SLOW DOWN!  She had her first Thanksgiving this year and she is gearing up for her first Christmas!  She already gave us her wishlist!  That stinker!

My family doesn't really do a traditional, "What are you thankful for?" thing, but I wish they did.  So, since I didn't do an official list anywhere, I'm going to give a few things that I'm thankful for now.
1.  My salvation - my guarantee that I'll see all my loved ones again
2.  My daughters - they're both amazing girls, and they've both changed my life in huge ways
3.  My husband - my constant companion, my best friend, and my strong shoulder to cry on
4.  My family - a crazy bunch of people who love me, even though they know me
5.  My friends - always supportive and always there
6.  Provisions - having a comfortable house, good food, clean clothes, dependable car

Just a few pictures from our Thanksgiving:

Keeping Busy

Well, Caroline's little sister and I are now into the third trimester!  We're excited to be this far along, but it's scary.  The closer we get to what's considered "full term," the more scared I am that something horrible could happen.  I have a lot of faith that everything is currently okay and going to be okay with this little girl, but it's just so scary.  Fears have a way of running away with you sometimes.  So, one thing that I've been trying to do is just keep myself busy - not let my mind have too much time to over think everything.

With the 4th of July coming up, I've been thinking a lot of how things used to be.  The 4th used to be a big "to-do" in our family.  My parents live on the lake and we'd have the WHOLE family come over and we'd enjoy the lake and boats and swimming and food...and then, we'd take out the boats to see the town's firework show.  (For those of you who haven't ever seen fireworks from the water, you should, it's awesome!)  This used to be something I looked forward to all year long.  I liked 4th of July better than Christmas!  I mean, you can't swim and boat on Christmas (not where I live anyway)!  Things have changed so much over these last few years though...we've grown up, cousins have their own families and their own plans, some have passed away, some have grown away.  But, it's changed even more for me...last year, I was so hopeful about Caroline being here for her first 4th of July this year.  It was going to be so great!  She's not here though, and therefore, things aren't as I pictured.  I don't want to focus on the negative, because we've got so much promise with Caroline's little sister, but there is certainly some sadness.  So...instead of just being mopey and crappy to be around, I've decided to keep busy in the upcoming days and focus on all the positivity I can.

One way I've been keeping busy is cooking and baking.  My mom asked me if I would bring a desert for our little family's cookout/lake day...and I jumped at the chance!  Something to keep me busy!  So, I made something we call Dreamy Squares.  I thought I'd share the recipe here with you...it's worth making...soooooo good!

Dreamy Squares

Ingredients:

*  1.5 c self-rising flour

*  1 c chopped pecans

*  3/4 c melted butter

*  1 8oz pkg softened cream cheese

*  1 c sifted powdered sugar

*  12 oz Cool Whip

*  Fruit of your choice

I started out with these beauties:

There's nothing like some sweet strawberries (probably my favorite fruit)

I washed them, and then washed them, and then washed them again.  And then capped and sliced them.  Then set aside until the recipe was ready for them.

Go ahead and preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

In a medium bowl, mix butter and flour until combined - it's kind of a sandy texture (I wish I'd taken a picture of this part).  Once combined, stir in 1/2 cup of the chopped pecans.  Then press mixture into the bottom of a 9X13 baking dish.  Bake for 12 - 15 minutes.

 

While crust is baking, mix cream cheese and sifted sugar until smooth.  Then fold in about 1 cup of the Cool Whip.

Spread mixture over warm (NOT HOT) crust

Just so you know, this all goes better if you have someone like this to help you! :)

 Spoon your fruit over the cream cheese layer.

Cover with remaining Cool Whip and sprinkle with remaining pecans.

Refrigerate, and eat up! :)

Then clean up your dog's Cool Whip face...he's a good helper, I told you!

Here's a recipe card for you to print to make this quick, easy, and oh so yummy treat:

(click for bigger card)

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!

Memorial Day Weekend

I need to do better about updating this blog.  I find that I have so much to say, so many thoughts, but I don't get them put into words on here.  I think it's partly because there is so much that I feel like I need to get off my chest that it just overwhelms me.

This last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  In the past, this weekend has signified the start of summer, and been the first official lake day...a day that I greatly looked forward to.  It has been a day that my family gets together, takes out the boat, spends time and cooks out...simple joys.  That has changed now.  The cemetery where Caroline is buried has their decoration on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  It's a family cemetery and it's only Caroline and her great-grandfather (a WWII veteran) buried there...and we get together, spend the day, and eat a meal...simple joys, with a little sadness. I'm so thankful though to be surrounded by a family (both sides) who love me and us and little Caroline.  Her little grave was decorated with so many flowers, it was very sweet.

I'm finding though, that I really dread all milestone dates.  I wanted to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas last year...I would have been fine to nix Mother's Day altogether, and I was really dreading Memorial Day too.  I dread those days because they're so difficult for me.  I dread them because it takes me multiple days to recover.  I almost feel as though I've been in a fight after, even physically sore.  Who knew grief could be that physically painful!?  But it is, it runs me through the ringer more days than not.

I'm dealing with a whole lot of big emotions - what's new!?  I honestly don't even know how to share them sometimes, and actually right now, I could just cry.  I know that some of this comes with being pregnant again.  Pregnancy all by itself is crazy when it comes to emotions, so pregnancy plus grief...it only stands to reason that it's a roller coaster.  I think that right now, what I'm feeling most is bitterness and jealousy.  I'm so jealous of all the people who have such an easy time having babies!  I'm so bitter that they've all gotten to do it, and I haven't (yet).  I'm not only jealous and bitter for myself, but for my husband, for my parents, for his parents.  They were all crushed through the loss of Caroline too.  In some ways, it would be so much better if I had felt this all by myself, though that would have been painful too.  At least I would know that those I cherish most aren't hurting as badly as I am.

Then there's actual anger.  I've done pretty well with not being angry throughout this experience.  I'm not angry at God.  I've come to a place in my relationship with Him where I feel comforted and been given peace.  I'm angry at people...well-meaning, but hurtful people.  There are people giving me birth advice...like I guess they think that Caroline just "tele-ported" out of my womb.  Yeah, uh....not so much...I labored, I pushed, I gave birth, just like every other mother with a live child.  Also, don't be scared of ___________ - things that can happen during birth.  My answer is that I'm not scared of birth, any of it...my fear is getting a live baby TO birth.  If they need to do a c-section on me, so be it.  I just need to get this baby to her birth living, and then I have complete faith that the doctors will do what is best for us.  I guess I want to tell them that I don't really feel like I need advice on these kinds of things.  I appreciate that they care, but this is maddening for me.  Vent over.

Really, things are going well for us.  Addalee is a healthy and beautiful little girl, who kicks the doppler because she also has a personality!  She's a blessing, and I believe that her big sister is proud of her already.  We sure do miss big sister, and can't wait until our family is all reunited one day!

The Day After Mother's Day

I'm feeling very happy to have Mother's Day behind me.  It was a day that I was dreading quite a lot for a little while.  I went back and forth wondering if it was going to be as bad as I imagined it could be.  As it turns out, what I had made up in my head was worse than the actual day.  That doesn't mean that it wasn't really tough, but it means that I wasn't reduced to a puddle of tears all day.

I was very blessed to have so many wonderful people around me, praying for me, loving me, and supporting me. Also, my family was very understanding and sweet.  I originally told anyone that would listen that I wanted to skip the day altogether.  No one really had any problem with that.  I started thinking that I needed to do something special for the moms and grandmothers in my family.  When I first started thinking of Mother's Day, I didn't think I'd be able to do ANYTHING.  I was able to make my mom and Arthur's mom a memory box to keep their special things to remind them of baby Caroline.  I was able to make them copies of her hand and foot prints given to us from the hospital, and all the other little precious keepsakes they sent us from the hospital.  I had the delivery pictures printed for them as well, and gave them each one of the gifts that they had given us for Caroline.  My mom got Caroline's first pair of shoes (an adorable little set of pink dress shoes), and Arthur's mom got a sweet little bib that said "Thank Heaven for Little Babies."  I hope that they'll treasure these things, and know they will. 

I was able to pick out a card for my mom, but I had to abort that mission after I found hers because it was simply just too overwhelming, and I didn't want to lose my mind in Target.  (Did you know that they have "Happy First Mother's Day" cards?  I do...now)  Thankfully, Arthur was able to find a really nice card for his mom and spare me from having to try again.  I had even really planned to send a little card to my BLM friends that I've met along this journey, but lost my motivation when it was just so hard to look at those cards!

We actually had a special weekend together.  Arthur was so good to me, and we really enjoyed each other's company.  We hit the bookstore on Friday evening, and got a couple of good books (a new devotional, and a book about surviving the death of a child), and he even let me go to Hobby Lobby (he really knows the way to my heart)!  Saturday we went to yard sales, they're just so much fun!  From the yard sales, we went to an antique fair.  It was so much fun!  By the time we got home, we were both exhausted, but it was so nice.  Sunday, we got up leisurely.  Normally, we'd have gone to church, but I knew they'd be doing the special Mother's Day service, so I just couldn't muster the courage.  But Arthur made us breakfast, and we spent the day just being together.  We talked about Caroline a good bit.  There were tears.  There was laughter.  We tried to remember Caroline and think of our new little blessing, Addalee (name meaning story below).  Arthur gave me the sweetest card, I didn't know a card like that even existed.  It said something along the lines of this being a tough time, but that I'm a mother, etc. And he told me how proud he was of me...melted my heart.  When the day was over, I was glad though.  It was nice to lay down my head and know that another milestone is behind me.  I just pray that next Mother's Day will be different.

I spent time in prayer leading up to, and during the day yesterday for all of those that I've met who would be experiencing Mother's Day without their precious child(ren).  I wish that this wasn't a reality for anyone.  I wish that life was neat and easy.  But it's not.  So, I hope that each of you who've had to weather Mother's Day with heavy hearts (because of the loss of their babies, or even their own mothers, or grandmothers), were able to experience some peace.

As promised, Addalee's name story/meaning:  Being in the midst of a subsequent pregnancy is quite the roller coaster of emotion.  Some days just sail on by, while others, we're stricken with fear...fear that something could be wrong, something could happen, she won't come home with us either...  We have been diligently trying to find a name for this little girl since we found out she was a "she."  We had several names on the table, and none that we were just settled on.  Arthur came up with Addalee, and we just liked it, still nothing was final.  Arthur looked up the meaning of the name and found that it meant "God is our refuge."  I was almost decided.  Then, a couple of days later, we ran into a hard day, emotionally.  Arthur prayed that God would give us a sign that everything was okay and everything was going to be okay with this little girl.  He then went on the Internet to a random verse generator, Psalm 46:1 came up - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  And the rest is history!  So, we're expecting little Addalee Elizabeth (after her big sister), late August - early September!  Please keep us in your prayers.

Christmas in Heaven

Well, I’m thinking it’s probably time for my weekly update. I have been meaning to write about this week’s events for a few days now, but just haven’t gotten around to it. Maybe I’m lazy, maybe I’m a procrastinator, and maybe I was scared. I very much want to document this whole journey, all the good days, all the bumps in the road. But I have to say that sometimes it’s hard just to reflect. Reflection allows me to stop DOING and actually FEEL. That’s hard to do. Sometimes, it’s downright painful. Sometimes it’s rewarding. All the time, it’s necessary, at least for me.

On Tuesday, the hospital where Caroline was born had a memorial service for all the infants that passed away over the course of this year. There were 35. Most of them were miscarriages early on, but at least a few were lost after 20 weeks. It was so nice. They called all the babies' names, we lit candles for them, and got to keep them. After the service, there was a reception. All the families were able to chat and share their stories. I was also able to speak to one of the nurses who was just precious to me. She continues to be precious. I’m so thankful for people like her in the medical field…compassionate and loving.

The weather here has been interesting. There has been snow and ice. And I have to say that as Southerners, we’re not accustomed to such things. The news was telling us to stay off the roads, power was out all over the place…and a couple of “snow days.” So I really can’t complain.

We’re pretty well done with our Christmas shopping now. That leaves all the wrapping to be done though. I already did a good wrapping shift today, but will probably have to hit it again to get everything done. Christmas is less than a week away, after all.

It’s tough to think about Christmas without Caroline. It’s hard to think of a new year without her. It’s impossible to think of a lifetime that I don’t get to share with her. I don’t even know how to explain the empty/lonely feeling. Part of me is gone. Part of me went with her. There’s definitely a lot left to live for, I have to carry Caroline’s story. I have people to share my experiences with. I have lessons to learn, and life to live. But this life is not what I expected.

There is a poem though that I thought I should share. It was kind of special to me.

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?

I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I’m walking with the King.

-Wanda White (1999)

So, with that, I’ll leave you with my sincere Christmas wishes. I hope and pray that each of you has a wonderful Christmas. I pray that those of you who have lost someone special feel His comfort and peace.

Merry Christmas and God Bless,