I
wasn’t sure if I should share this, or try to come up with another special
place. But, I decided that I’d just tell
the truth. My special place is the
shower. Strange as it may seem, it was a
place that I felt super close to Caroline, and still can go to feel peace.
When
I was pregnant with her, I’d talk to her as I stood in the warm water. I’d wash my belly and tell her that I was
giving her a bath, too. She’d kick and I’d
just keep talking to her about everything.
After
she died, I could hardly stand to shower.
It was miserable. I couldn’t do
anything but weep and almost collapse under the weight of the grief when I had
to shower. It was bad enough that I had
someone sit with me in the bathroom during my shower time for quite some
time. I just couldn’t be alone. Not in there.
Since
then, it’s become a place where I can go and talk to her, cry for her, grieve
for her. So, as strange as it may seem,
my special place is the shower!
I understand this. I remember coming home from the hospital and showering for the first time. Feeling my saggy, post partum belly and desperately wishing I could just feel Cale move again, that I could just put my hands on my stomach and have everything be right in the world again.
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