Like, Seriously (also Potentially Sensitive)

I need to get better about posting again, like seriously.  I guess I’ve just gotten out of the swing of things.  We went through a strange “what have you done with my baby” phase recently with Addalee when she stopped sleeping.  I mean, like just wouldn’t do it.  Any time.  At all.  None.  It was ridiculous.  And I cried.  It was dumb.  We honestly have no idea what happened to her.  One night, it was night time as usual and the next night, nada.  So, after a week of sleeplessness, I wasn’t fit for much but surviving.  And it’s taken me a (very long) while to bounce back.

During the sleepless nights, I thought of Caroline some.  I wondered if we would have done this with her. I wondered if she would have been an easy sleeper, or require lots of work.  I thought about all that could have been, would have been, should have been…long nights made longer by a wandering mind.

But, here we are.  She’s sound asleep in her bed, back to mostly normal.  Whew.

Everything is moving along.  Addalee is growing and changing each day, learning new fun things, being adorable.  I almost can’t believe she’s mine, and she is really here. 

We have some additional news to share…I actually have been waiting until we could have some pictures made, and I was going to post them.  But it’s taking too long to get them back, and I just can’t hold it any more:

(She was having an I-don't-want-my-picture-made-AGAIN-mom kind of day...)

Addalee is a little AND big sister!  I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with Caroline and Addalee’s little “squiggle”  (because that’s what he/she looked like in the first ultrasound!)!!!  Wow!  We’re so very excited, and so very nervous.  I want to go back to how it felt when we got pregnant with Caroline and believe that after 12 weeks, all is well, but I know that it can all fall apart at any point.  So, I’m walking on those eggshells once again.  I can honestly say though, that to this point, it’s slightly less scary than my pregnancy with Addalee.  So, that’s a blessing, and I’ll take it. 

Sharing this news is always a delicate situation.  I know that there are others who read this that are hurting, and the news that someone is expecting is like salt in the wound.  I pray that my news isn’t hurtful to anyone.  I debated on sharing it here, but decided that this is my life, it’s real, and it’s what is really happening in Caroline’s family.  This little person is Caroline’s sibling, too.  It would feel dishonest to hide it.  This is part of the reason I've been MIA for a while...in addition to the lack of sleep!

So, with that, I’ll leave you with a goofy picture of Addalee laughing at the grass. :)

(She actually does have some hair now, it's just super blonde, and mostly in the back!  Ha!)

Finding the Beauty

I have really been skipping computer time lately, but decided to do some catching up tonight.  That means answering a couple of emails, pretending to do research on some upcoming family purchases, and going to Pinterest to waste time look at useful things.


I ran across this picture and these words:

  

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

It's from a website called www.inpursuitofparenthood.com, which apparently is no longer online, but the pins are still there.  I was struck by the picture.  I guess because if I was to lift up my shirt, I have some of that rocking, too!  (The picture is not of my tummy, but I totally have some major stretch marks and stuff from my sweet girls.)  At first I was a little curious as to why someone would post this picture.  Not that I was offended, just taken aback by the honesty, I suppose.  Then I read the words and thought of my Caroline.  I love the words she shared.  If I was going to  change anything about it, I would just add that it was where she lived her life.  Her whole life.  And I'm blessed to have these marks, these "scars."  They're permanent and tangible reminders of my sweet girl (and subsequently, her little sister).  No, I'm not going to sport a bikini anytime ever again, but I'm just fine with that.

I am thankful that I stumbled on this, thankful for the reminder that there is beauty in the mess, thankful for my Caroline, thankful for our Addalee, thankful that I'm still standing.  Because those first days when I looked down at my belly, virtually unrecognizable from what it had been when I got pregnant with Caroline, I was so destroyed.  Not only did I not get to keep my girl, I had to live with the floppy and stretch marked reminder each and every day.  It's taken me a long time to see the beauty, but happily, now I do.

How Time Flies...

Sheesh!  Time has really been getting away from me!  I didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd updated.  But anyway, here I am!  I can see each of you breathing a little easier now! ;)


We've just been living life.  And I have to say that it feels good to be able to say that.  It's not that little Caroline isn't always in my heart, always on my mind, but the grief has allowed me to breathe a little as of late.  I've fallen into the routine of a (fairly) normal mom, and it feels pretty amazing.  For a long time, I couldn't imagine what that would feel like.  I longed to have a baby to slather with sunscreen and splish splash in the lake with, to buckle into the carseat, to change stinky diapers when I just sat down to eat my breakfast, to sing silly songs, and rock in that rocking chair.  The daily life is hard work, sometimes it's way harder than going to a real "job", but it's where I want to be...where I have wanted to be.


Addalee is 10.5 months old.  It's almost like we're in fast forward!  It's insane that she could be almost a year old already (and Caroline almost 2)!  Where has the time gone?!  She truly is a breath of fresh air, a bright smiling, silly dancing, little bit of hair having sweet girl.  Sometimes I look at her and can barely believe she's ours to keep.


I'm going to try to get better at the blogging thing again.  I have good excuses for slacking, I promise!  :)

Afraid of the Dark

I needed to go feed Addalee and go to bed like an hour ago.  I need the sleep, and she needs the milk.  But I can’t bring myself to go upstairs into the dark quiet of bedtime.  I’m not afraid of the dark, per se, I’m afraid of what my mind does in those empty moments before sleep blurs my thoughts.  I’m afraid to relive.  I’m afraid to regret.  I’m afraid to think of how badly I miss her.  I’m afraid to strain to remember her face, her smell.  I’m afraid to panic when I think I’ve forgotten a single detail.  I’m afraid.

Life has been a little heavy lately.  My heart has been filled with such joy and sadness, it’s so completely sad, and yet blissful at the same moment.  Caroline has been so present on my mind.  Each day, she’s in the forefront.  I’m constantly thinking of that darling girl.  How could this really be our story?  How could she really be real? But she is real.  She was a perfect and beautiful baby girl; a baby girl that I would still give my very life to have.

I don’t want to wallow.  That’s not helpful in any shape, form, or fashion.  But I’m just so freaking sad.  I can’t lie about it.  I can’t pretend that it isn’t killing me right now.  Because it’s weighing me down.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want this.  I just don’t.

I’m just about to force myself up those dark stairs.  I’ve almost worked up enough nerve.  And like a scared child, I will run to the safety of my bed (after I feed my little happy girl), and hide under the covers, and pray for all I’m worth until I fall asleep.  And tomorrow, the sun will come up, and the weight will seem more manageable.  But tonight…tonight, I’m afraid of the dark.

They Were Blue

Her eyes were blue.  Caroline’s eyes were the same color as her little sister’s eyes.  I just learned this TODAY.  I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t look at her eyes in those 4 hours I spent holding her.  It’s something that I have kicked myself for since the day of her funeral.  I didn’t look at her eyes.  I could only use my imagination to visualize her eyes. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law and mentioned that I hated that I missed my chance to see my sweet girl’s eyes.  I cried as I told her that I didn’t know if her eyes were blue like her Daddy’s (and now her sister’s), or if they were brown, like mine.  She simply said, “They were blue.”  I told her that I had always visualized them being blue, in my dreams, in my thoughts, they’re blue.  I thought she was just guessing as Arthur and I have been in these almost 2 year without her.  But she went on to tell me that she did look at them.  Wow.  I have one more tiny piece of the puzzle of my girl that I didn’t get to keep.

It might seem like a small detail (to those who haven’t walked this path).  But when you only have precious few hours to capture a lifetime of memories, every.single.thing. matters.  I didn’t do things exactly as I wish I had.  I missed things that I will always wonder about, but I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances.  But today, I can tell you, her eyes were blue.

Quick Update

An update on my grandmother:  She has been moved to a rehab hospital so they can work intensively on her recovery.  She came through the surgery well, and though we still don’t have back the official pathology report, the doctors have said that they do not believe it to be cancer.  So thankful for this!  I’m also thankful to each of you who thought of us and prayed for her!  Please continue to do so as she still has a long way to go!

Prayer Request

I’m requesting a little prayer and all the pleasant thoughts you can muster.  My sweet grandmother was admitted to the hospital late Monday night.  We were all at my parents’ house for a visit and she had been having a lot of hip/leg pain.  It finally just got to be too much for her to bear and we called the ambulance.  She was taken to the hospital and it was found that she had a broken femur.  The worst part is that she didn’t fall and break it.  It broke on its own.  This is bothersome because it actually has been discovered that it broke at a tumor.  So, not only has she had to endure the surgery to repair a broken femur (placed rod and screws), but the potential for a cancer diagnosis. 

It’s just hard to see someone you love suffer.  She’s a trooper though and is remaining in high spirits.

More updates as they come available.

Thanks everyone! 

Bittersweet

I opened my email today and saw this:

It’s the very essence of the happy/sad balance of missing Caroline and loving the life we have with Addalee.  I have tried everything to stop the emails, notifications, coupons, etc. for Caroline.  For some reason, it just won’t stop.  (Similac also thinks that I’m 22 weeks pregnant right now.  Weird.)  So, each month, I get another set of emails.  One for the sweet girl we have in heaven and one for the sweet girl in our arms.  Bittersweet. 

Preferences

I’m a stay at home mom.  It’s a pretty sweet gig, I must admit.  I can’t imagine having to have left Addalee as a little tiny thing with someone each day and go to work.  So I count it a big blessing that I’ve been able to stay here.  It’s a tough job sometimes, but the hard work is well worth it.

Since I am here with her all the time, Addalee really hasn’t spent much time away from me.  I go to a support group once a month, for about 3 hours each time.  Other than that, I’m pretty much just  a cry away.  A little while back, I noticed how excited she was when her Daddy came home from work.  It was really pretty precious, really.  That sheer joy. 

Well, that preciousness is starting to rub off a bit for me.  See, that girl really only wants her Daddy.  If he’s around, she wants him to hold her, him to play with her, etc.  I’m just kind of there.  You know, the person who does EVERYTHING for her?!  If I reach for her, she turns her back to me and holds on to him!  I mean, she’ll talk to me and giggle with me, but would rather be in his arms.  At first I just brushed it off, but it actually is hurting my feelings a little bit.  Maybe that’s lame.  But it is what it is.  I’ve heard the “Daddy’s girl” thing, but I guess I just expected it not to be so evident!

I feel a little silly even putting this out there, but it’s what’s on my mind right now.  I’m really hoping this is just a phase and she levels back out.  If it’s not, it’s not.  But I can hope, right?

Speaking of Addalee…she’s 9 months old today!  MY GOODNESS!  Where has the time gone?!?!  Next time I turn around, she’s going to be a year old.  I can’t believe it.  Insanity!

This Mother's Day

This year was very different from last year.  There was a “Happy Mother’s Day” card from a little girl.  The second little girl, but the first card.  We shared the day as a family, and I felt loved and appreciated. 

I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of Mother’s Day.  And it’s partly because I really don’t like it much.  I wonder how I’ll feel about it years down the road.  Will I still get that ache because I know who is missing, and how she was the first to make me a mother?  Will I still feel those tears behind my cheesy picture smile?  The answer, probably.

We went to some yard sales (don’t judge me…they’re pretty great.  I scored an almost new $30 salad spinner for 50 cents!  But I digress…….) because it’s something that we enjoy doing as a family.  Addalee loves to get out of the house and meet and greet.  She’s a very social baby.  Anyway, we found a sale with some pretty awesome baby girl stuff.  There were cute (probably never worn) outfits, toys, shoes, games, etc. as far as the eye could see. 

“Oh, you’ve come to the right place!  We’ve got tons of little girl stuff!”  the sale-er said to me. 

Smile and nod and juggle Addie while she wants to get into everything. 

Then she said, “How old is she?” 

“8 months.”

“We have a 19 month old.”

My heart sank.  19 months.  That’s dangerously close to the 18 months that Caroline would be. 

Then out walks this cute little (or not so little) girl, with blond hair…I honestly lost my breath for a second.  See, I have really tried NOT to keep up with what babies Caroline’s age would be doing.  I don’t want to know what their stages are.  I don’t want to know if they’re talking, or running, or picking up baseball bats like this little girl.  Caroline is still a tiny newborn baby in my mind, because that’s all we were able to have with her.  So, as messed up as it is, all 18 month old babies should still be babies.  I know that this is not reality, so most of the time, I just block them out.  It’s not perfect, but it’s my system, and it’s worked fairly well.

That was a little rough, but shortly after, we went to another sale.  The family had a van with a sticker that was in loving memory of their daughter who only lived 8 days.  When I saw the sticker, immediately my heart broke for the family.  Then I looked a little closer, their baby girl was born a few days before Addalee and died a few days later.  My baby was their dreaded see-that-baby-and-what-it’s-doing baby.  Ugh.  We ended up talking to that family for a little while.  Both sets of parents, with tear-filled eyes, stood sharing about our little girls, and our lives, and our blessings, (they have 2 living sons)  on a dreary Saturday before Mother’s Day.

The weather here on Mother’s Day was yucky…all rainy and sad.  There were smiles and love in the house, some tears yes, but so many more smiles than last year.  And I’ll take what I can get!

I hope that each and every one of you had a gentle Mother’s Day.  Know that I was thinking of you all!