Afraid of the Dark

I needed to go feed Addalee and go to bed like an hour ago.  I need the sleep, and she needs the milk.  But I can’t bring myself to go upstairs into the dark quiet of bedtime.  I’m not afraid of the dark, per se, I’m afraid of what my mind does in those empty moments before sleep blurs my thoughts.  I’m afraid to relive.  I’m afraid to regret.  I’m afraid to think of how badly I miss her.  I’m afraid to strain to remember her face, her smell.  I’m afraid to panic when I think I’ve forgotten a single detail.  I’m afraid.

Life has been a little heavy lately.  My heart has been filled with such joy and sadness, it’s so completely sad, and yet blissful at the same moment.  Caroline has been so present on my mind.  Each day, she’s in the forefront.  I’m constantly thinking of that darling girl.  How could this really be our story?  How could she really be real? But she is real.  She was a perfect and beautiful baby girl; a baby girl that I would still give my very life to have.

I don’t want to wallow.  That’s not helpful in any shape, form, or fashion.  But I’m just so freaking sad.  I can’t lie about it.  I can’t pretend that it isn’t killing me right now.  Because it’s weighing me down.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want this.  I just don’t.

I’m just about to force myself up those dark stairs.  I’ve almost worked up enough nerve.  And like a scared child, I will run to the safety of my bed (after I feed my little happy girl), and hide under the covers, and pray for all I’m worth until I fall asleep.  And tomorrow, the sun will come up, and the weight will seem more manageable.  But tonight…tonight, I’m afraid of the dark.

They Were Blue

Her eyes were blue.  Caroline’s eyes were the same color as her little sister’s eyes.  I just learned this TODAY.  I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t look at her eyes in those 4 hours I spent holding her.  It’s something that I have kicked myself for since the day of her funeral.  I didn’t look at her eyes.  I could only use my imagination to visualize her eyes. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law and mentioned that I hated that I missed my chance to see my sweet girl’s eyes.  I cried as I told her that I didn’t know if her eyes were blue like her Daddy’s (and now her sister’s), or if they were brown, like mine.  She simply said, “They were blue.”  I told her that I had always visualized them being blue, in my dreams, in my thoughts, they’re blue.  I thought she was just guessing as Arthur and I have been in these almost 2 year without her.  But she went on to tell me that she did look at them.  Wow.  I have one more tiny piece of the puzzle of my girl that I didn’t get to keep.

It might seem like a small detail (to those who haven’t walked this path).  But when you only have precious few hours to capture a lifetime of memories, every.single.thing. matters.  I didn’t do things exactly as I wish I had.  I missed things that I will always wonder about, but I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances.  But today, I can tell you, her eyes were blue.

Quick Update

An update on my grandmother:  She has been moved to a rehab hospital so they can work intensively on her recovery.  She came through the surgery well, and though we still don’t have back the official pathology report, the doctors have said that they do not believe it to be cancer.  So thankful for this!  I’m also thankful to each of you who thought of us and prayed for her!  Please continue to do so as she still has a long way to go!

Prayer Request

I’m requesting a little prayer and all the pleasant thoughts you can muster.  My sweet grandmother was admitted to the hospital late Monday night.  We were all at my parents’ house for a visit and she had been having a lot of hip/leg pain.  It finally just got to be too much for her to bear and we called the ambulance.  She was taken to the hospital and it was found that she had a broken femur.  The worst part is that she didn’t fall and break it.  It broke on its own.  This is bothersome because it actually has been discovered that it broke at a tumor.  So, not only has she had to endure the surgery to repair a broken femur (placed rod and screws), but the potential for a cancer diagnosis. 

It’s just hard to see someone you love suffer.  She’s a trooper though and is remaining in high spirits.

More updates as they come available.

Thanks everyone! 

Bittersweet

I opened my email today and saw this:

It’s the very essence of the happy/sad balance of missing Caroline and loving the life we have with Addalee.  I have tried everything to stop the emails, notifications, coupons, etc. for Caroline.  For some reason, it just won’t stop.  (Similac also thinks that I’m 22 weeks pregnant right now.  Weird.)  So, each month, I get another set of emails.  One for the sweet girl we have in heaven and one for the sweet girl in our arms.  Bittersweet. 

Preferences

I’m a stay at home mom.  It’s a pretty sweet gig, I must admit.  I can’t imagine having to have left Addalee as a little tiny thing with someone each day and go to work.  So I count it a big blessing that I’ve been able to stay here.  It’s a tough job sometimes, but the hard work is well worth it.

Since I am here with her all the time, Addalee really hasn’t spent much time away from me.  I go to a support group once a month, for about 3 hours each time.  Other than that, I’m pretty much just  a cry away.  A little while back, I noticed how excited she was when her Daddy came home from work.  It was really pretty precious, really.  That sheer joy. 

Well, that preciousness is starting to rub off a bit for me.  See, that girl really only wants her Daddy.  If he’s around, she wants him to hold her, him to play with her, etc.  I’m just kind of there.  You know, the person who does EVERYTHING for her?!  If I reach for her, she turns her back to me and holds on to him!  I mean, she’ll talk to me and giggle with me, but would rather be in his arms.  At first I just brushed it off, but it actually is hurting my feelings a little bit.  Maybe that’s lame.  But it is what it is.  I’ve heard the “Daddy’s girl” thing, but I guess I just expected it not to be so evident!

I feel a little silly even putting this out there, but it’s what’s on my mind right now.  I’m really hoping this is just a phase and she levels back out.  If it’s not, it’s not.  But I can hope, right?

Speaking of Addalee…she’s 9 months old today!  MY GOODNESS!  Where has the time gone?!?!  Next time I turn around, she’s going to be a year old.  I can’t believe it.  Insanity!

This Mother's Day

This year was very different from last year.  There was a “Happy Mother’s Day” card from a little girl.  The second little girl, but the first card.  We shared the day as a family, and I felt loved and appreciated. 

I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of Mother’s Day.  And it’s partly because I really don’t like it much.  I wonder how I’ll feel about it years down the road.  Will I still get that ache because I know who is missing, and how she was the first to make me a mother?  Will I still feel those tears behind my cheesy picture smile?  The answer, probably.

We went to some yard sales (don’t judge me…they’re pretty great.  I scored an almost new $30 salad spinner for 50 cents!  But I digress…….) because it’s something that we enjoy doing as a family.  Addalee loves to get out of the house and meet and greet.  She’s a very social baby.  Anyway, we found a sale with some pretty awesome baby girl stuff.  There were cute (probably never worn) outfits, toys, shoes, games, etc. as far as the eye could see. 

“Oh, you’ve come to the right place!  We’ve got tons of little girl stuff!”  the sale-er said to me. 

Smile and nod and juggle Addie while she wants to get into everything. 

Then she said, “How old is she?” 

“8 months.”

“We have a 19 month old.”

My heart sank.  19 months.  That’s dangerously close to the 18 months that Caroline would be. 

Then out walks this cute little (or not so little) girl, with blond hair…I honestly lost my breath for a second.  See, I have really tried NOT to keep up with what babies Caroline’s age would be doing.  I don’t want to know what their stages are.  I don’t want to know if they’re talking, or running, or picking up baseball bats like this little girl.  Caroline is still a tiny newborn baby in my mind, because that’s all we were able to have with her.  So, as messed up as it is, all 18 month old babies should still be babies.  I know that this is not reality, so most of the time, I just block them out.  It’s not perfect, but it’s my system, and it’s worked fairly well.

That was a little rough, but shortly after, we went to another sale.  The family had a van with a sticker that was in loving memory of their daughter who only lived 8 days.  When I saw the sticker, immediately my heart broke for the family.  Then I looked a little closer, their baby girl was born a few days before Addalee and died a few days later.  My baby was their dreaded see-that-baby-and-what-it’s-doing baby.  Ugh.  We ended up talking to that family for a little while.  Both sets of parents, with tear-filled eyes, stood sharing about our little girls, and our lives, and our blessings, (they have 2 living sons)  on a dreary Saturday before Mother’s Day.

The weather here on Mother’s Day was yucky…all rainy and sad.  There were smiles and love in the house, some tears yes, but so many more smiles than last year.  And I’ll take what I can get!

I hope that each and every one of you had a gentle Mother’s Day.  Know that I was thinking of you all!

Mother's Day...And a Card Idea!

It’s that time of year again.  Sappy commercials and brightly colored store displays tell me it’s Mother’s Day again.  Ugh.  Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m a huge fan of my mom and grandmothers.  But I could really just skip Mother’s Day altogether.  I’m sure (read hoping) this year will be better, at least a little bit, but I’m still sad thinking of not having Caroline here.  I’m also terrified that someone will wish me a happy first Mother’s Day.  Yeah, thanks…not so much.

I’m sharing a little idea with you today that I think is neat for a few reasons.  First and foremost, I don’t have to stand in the store and shop for a card (and cry).  Second, I think homemade things are more special.  Third, being a one income family now, it’s nice to save money wherever we can.  And cards can get expensive.  So, here it is:  How to make a flower seed paper card.  These are pretty rad because you can actually plant the paper and flowers will grow!  A card AND flowers, see, rad!

First, gather your supplies:

• Scraps of construction paper
• Packets of flower seeds (I used Impatience and Forget-Me-Nots for 2 separate batches)
• Water
• Blender or Food Processor
• Colander
• Paper Towels
• Any card making supplies you would like

Rip the construction paper into small pieces

Place paper in blender (or food processor) and add enough water to just cover the paper

Blend until mostly smooth - this WILL smell just like kindergarten!

Gently stir flower seed packet into mixture

Pour mixture into colander and allow water to drain.  I found it helpful to press some of the water out…but be gentle.  You don’t want to lose paper or seeds through the colander.

Transfer mixture onto paper towels and press into a thin layer.  Place another layer of paper towels on top to help wick away moisture.  Allow to dry overnight or until completely dry.  Mine took about 24 hours.

Finally, just create and decorate a card however you want.  Cut flower paper into design and tape or glue onto front of card.

Now, you’ve got a pretty card to give your mom!  Yay!

Happy Mother's Day to all my special friends.  I will be thinking of you all and saying a prayer for all of those who have to endure a Mother's Day without their precious ones.  


***** Edited to clarify *****
You plant the paper that you made/dried.  Just pull off the design that you cut out, plant, water, and wait! :)


And I would LOVE to see your cards.  Send me pictures of your completed cards!

The Balance

I signed in to check in and catch up on reading some other blogs before I wrote my post.  I was thinking of all the things going on in my life, then I saw something that truly stopped me in my tracks.  I’m sure some of you know Becky, and have followed her pregnancy with their rainbow baby, Evelynn.  Sadly, beautiful Evelynn passed away only 2 days after her birth.  I did not have the pleasure of knowing Becky until reading of her sad news, but my heart breaks for her and her family.  To think that something this terrible can happen once is a nightmare.  But to think that it could ever, EVER happen to the same family more than once is really too awful for words.  Please remember their family in your thoughts and prayers. 

Things in my little corner of the word are going as smoothly as can be expected.  We’ve been super busy and that can make things hectic.  Addalee is cutting her first tooth, and that’s making me feel all sorts of things that I’m not completely sure how to balance.  I’m thrilled that she’s growing as she should be, but sad to see that big toothless grin go away.  Then there’s the more complex side of the emotion.  Getting teeth – it’s a milestone.  Milestones make me think of the girl that isn’t here.  Milestones make me realize what we missed out on with Caroline.

I’m not completely sure how to balance the joys of raising Addalee with the pain and sadness of missing Caroline.  I’m not even sure how to balance it here on this blog.  I mean, to most of the world, I just smile and beam about all the wonderful things in my life, never really letting the sadness out.  But behind closed doors, sometimes in the dark of night, I cry, I weep, I ache for the daughter that I had to let go.  I don’t know if I should talk about all the awesome things going on with Addalee (partly for fear of seeming insensitive to any mothers (or fathers) that haven’t been able to have their rainbow babies (see story above)), or if I should kind of leave her out of this blog.  The thing is, she’s a huge part of my life, just as Caroline continues to be.  I know I can, in theory, use this space to say anything I want, but I would hate to think of hurting someone’s already broken feelings.  So yeah, I don’t know how to balance it.  Not in real life, not in blog life.  You'd think that I'd have it at least kind of figured out by now.

18 Months

It’s been a year and a half.  She’d be 18 months old.  I’ll be honest, I don’t even know what a day in the life of an 18 month old would be like and I don’t have the guts to read those emails that I STILL get from time to time.  I miss her.

I can’t believe it’s been so long and that we’re headed for her 2^nd birthday.  So much has happened.  So much has changed.  So much has stayed the same in my heart though. 

Having Addalee here has been a great distraction.  She’s a blessing and ray of sunshine in our lives.  I only hope that we are able to honor Caroline in being Addie’s parents.  I hope she knows how much we love her and miss her.

I’ll be honest, I’m still a little nervous about Mother’s Day.  Last year, it was kind of one of the crappiest things I could think of.  All those stupid cards in the stores, the sappy commercials on TV, yuck.  Even though I have a living daughter here, Mother’s Day just doesn’t make me all that happy.  I hope this is something that will change.  I hope that it will lose its bitterness.  I hope that it will just be a good day in the coming years.  Only time will tell.

Addalee is 8 months old now and full of personality.  She’s such a booger!  She laughs, spits, squeals, kicks, and screams in excitement.  You can’t help but share in her joy.  She’s swaddle free now…yes, it took us 8 months, so what?! ;)  She has a serious independent streak and loves to do things on her own.  I guess I’m just lucky she still needs me to do some things for her or she’d probably just get her own place!