Bringing the Outdoors In

I’m all for nature and bugs and whatnot.  I’m just not a huge fan when outside things come inside my house.  Today, Addalee and I were playing and putting blocks and other things in a basket.  I pulled the last of the blocks out to find a lizard. 

Lizards don’t really bother me, when they’re OUTSIDE.  I mean, they’ll sometimes give me a good startle, because they move so quickly and are kind of snakey for a second until my mind catches up to them. 

When I found this one, at first I just stared at it.  I guess I was trying to decide how such a life-like plastic lizard had gotten into this toy basket.  And when did I buy that, anyway?  Wait, that’s real!?!  These thoughts were followed by a horribly and amazingly slight girly scream and a throw of the basket.  Gah!  I picked up Addalee so that she wasn’t on the floor with the "horrible creature," and she cried.  I scared her.  The stupid lizard scared me, and I screamed like a little girl and scared my kiddo.  Boo.

Once we both got calmed down, I went over to the basket to take the "beast" outside.  As I picked up the basket, it ran under the couch.  Awesome.  And I then discovered poop in the basket.  Gah-ross!  If you’re going to come into my house uninvited, at least don’t poop where the kid plays!  Come on!

So, that’s our adventure in indoor nature today.  Neither of us was a big fan.  But I think we’ll both survive!

Our adventure in picture book mode:

(photo credits in links under pictures)

At first, I thought I saw this.

But then I thought I saw this.

So, I did this.

 Which, sadly led to pitiful Addalee doing this.

And that made mama feel like this.

(picture of me being pretty unhappy on a camping trip a long time ago! :) )

But before long, Addalee was back to this, whew!

P.S. Hopefully, I'll have pictures of Addalee's first birthday party up soon! Yay!

Addalee's Birthday (And Birth Story)

One year ago.  It’s already been a whole year, and I can hardly believe it.  This entire year has flown by.

I haven't shared a birth story yet, so decided it was about time!

On August 22, 2011, I was filled with nerves, excitement, fear, anticipation, and hope.  We’d made it through 36 of some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Pregnancy after a full term stillbirth is not for the faint of heart.  There were days that I preemptively grieved this little girl, as a way to almost prepare myself for if she didn’t make it, like her big sister.  It was a protective reflex, not something I wanted, just some PTSD, I’m guessing. 

We’d been to the doctor the previous Thursday for an ultrasound and NST.  Addalee was looking good, but not great.  Her growth was tapering off.  It was getting to the point where she was better off out than in.  We were told to come to the office first thing Monday, 8/22/11, with our hospital bag, for another ultrasound evaluation of Addalee’s growth and overall health.  That was a long and stressful weekend, but we’d made it.  Turns out, she’d grown, but not a ton.  It was Addalee’s birthday!  We were sent over to the hospital to get checked in and start induction.  So we called our families.  With happy news this time, and it felt amazing.

Checking in was bittersweet.  The last time I’d sat in that chair was the night I’d gone in knowing that something was terribly wrong with Caroline.  (We didn’t know for sure that she was gone at that point, but I suspected and didn’t want to believe it.)  I had requested to not be in the same room in which we’d delivered Caroline, so at least I knew that wasn’t going to be an issue.  I was so full of hope for the baby girl I was carrying, and so full of grief for the baby girl I’d delivered in that same hospital less than a year before.  Everyone was so good to me.  I’m sure that my nurse friends had gone ahead of us and told people of our situation, but it seemed like everyone was extra nice to us.

I got settled into the room.  I put on that super smoking hospital gown and started getting IV fluids in preparation for the epidural (‘cause that’s how I roll).  I got hooked up to the external monitor, and it was semi-comforting.  Addalee kept running from the monitor, so it alarmed several times, which was terrifying, but we were assured that it was just the baby moving around.  We got some meds started to get the ball rolling and I just laid back and went with it (like I was really that relaxed!). 

Dang, I was looking good! 

A little while later, I was feeling some contractions.  I was asked if I was ready for the epidural and I said, “Yes, please!”  I got the epidural and I wish I could say that I was feeling good, but I was feeling pretty horrible.  My nurse was checking something, I’m not sure, but she was talking and I could hear her like she was miles away.  The lights started to get really dim.  I was passing out.  My blood pressure dropped significantly after the epidural.  Apparently this is something that can happen, but I wasn’t expecting it.  So after several doses of epinephrine, I was feeling shaky and nauseous, but awake. 

After I got back to mostly normal, my doctor came in to break my water.  This was going to speed things up significantly.  It also made it to where we could have the internal monitor, which was significantly more reliable than the external.  I was still having some pain from the contractions on my left side, so they had to boost my epidural, which meant another dose of epinephrine.  But once they gave me another bump, I was feeling NOTHING.  Like seriously, NOTHING at all.  Except that my legs weighed about 2 tons each.  (ha)

It was nearing dinner time, and I knew that the family members who were waiting with us were getting hungry.  I felt like it was still going to be a while, so I told them to go on and get something to eat.  I almost had everyone convinced, then the nurse came in to check me.  I had only been at like 6cm an hour before, so I wasn’t expecting much.  She asked me if I felt any pressure, and I didn’t.  Then, she looked at me and said, “Don’t push!”  “Let’s get the doctor in here, now.”  I was much further along than 6cm!  And since I couldn’t feel anything at all, I had no idea!  Glad the family didn’t listen to me!

So, the doctor was there, as well as the rest of the team, including some NICU nurses just in case, since she was a month early.  We were ready; it was time to push (OH MY GOSH!).  I pushed for a fairly short time, and she had her cord around her neck, and my heart sank when I heard the doctor say that.  But he was able to slip it over her head, and we proceeded with pushing.  A few minutes later, she was here.  She only cried a tiny quiet cry, but it was the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life.  She was placed directly on my chest.  She was breathing.  She was moving.  She was tiny and perfect.  She had Caroline’s face, those precious cheeks.  That moment that I’d been waiting for, finally was here!

Our first (almost) family picture.

Birth Announcement

This year has been full of a zillion emotions, and thankfully a lot of joy with this girl.  She’s provided a light in the darkness of grief.  She’s given me love and laughter, and there’s not a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for her.

A photo for each month, newborn to 12 months.

Happy 1^st birthday, Addalee.  Mama love you more each day!

Officially...

This is the picture I originally wanted to share, but just couldn't hold my horses!  So anyhow, I'm sure some of you saw this on Facebook, but I wanted to share it here.  I was pleased with how it turned out.

Almost a Year!

Addalee’s birthday is just around the corner.  Her first birthday.  It’s exciting.  It’s happy.  It’s awesome.  And I’m having trouble planning the party.  Why?

Well, I think part of my problem is that I procrastinate like it’s going out of style when I feel overwhelmed.  So instead of being productive and actually accomplishing something (ANYTHING), I choose to watch TV or play with Addalee (which actually is productive, but you know). 

I also have a crazy busy (or wonderfully exhausting) 11 month old and some pretty nasty morning sickness (thankfully).

Then, there’s the fact that I have all these ideas, and they sound wonderful, but how do I accomplish them?  Some are expensive, others time consuming to make, or maybe just too complicated and fussy.  I want the party to be perfect.  I think I need it to be something that I’ve built up in my mind, for almost 2 years.

Yes, this is Addalee’s first birthday, but our family has already celebrated one daughter’s first birthday.  Caroline’s first birthday was NOTHING like what I wanted and dreamed of when I was carrying her.  We did a balloon release and had so many family members and loved ones here to celebrate and remember, but it fell short.  We thankfully had Addalee here for her big sister’s birthday to help fill our arms, but we ached for our first girl.  Telling your little girl, “Happy birthday,” through prayers just isn’t what you ever expect.

But, because I really am very excited, I’ve made myself a to-do list, and I’m trying to chip away at it each day.  I’ve been busy, and I kind of feel like I’m losing my mind…but that’s how you’re supposed to feel as a mom, right?!  I can’t wait to share pictures with you all!

In other news, we had a little scare with Baby Ramsey 3 over the weekend.  Ain’t that just about right?  It wasn’t too bad, but I had a little bit of spotting.  I felt pretty confident going into this pregnancy that I had basically seen it all in my other 2 pregnancies.  Never did I have any spotting, so I was a little worried.  Come to find out, after being examined and having an ultrasound, I have a marginal placenta (and it’s expected to be anterior again…OF COURSE), which means it covers a portion of the opening of my cervix, but it’s likely going to move up as my uterus grows.  So this isn’t a real complication, yet.  But seriously, it would be nice to have a smooth pregnancy!  Honestly though, my pregnancy with Caroline was beautiful and text book, and the end result was, well we all know.  So, in some sick way, I take these little hiccups as a good sign.

Like, Seriously (also Potentially Sensitive)

I need to get better about posting again, like seriously.  I guess I’ve just gotten out of the swing of things.  We went through a strange “what have you done with my baby” phase recently with Addalee when she stopped sleeping.  I mean, like just wouldn’t do it.  Any time.  At all.  None.  It was ridiculous.  And I cried.  It was dumb.  We honestly have no idea what happened to her.  One night, it was night time as usual and the next night, nada.  So, after a week of sleeplessness, I wasn’t fit for much but surviving.  And it’s taken me a (very long) while to bounce back.

During the sleepless nights, I thought of Caroline some.  I wondered if we would have done this with her. I wondered if she would have been an easy sleeper, or require lots of work.  I thought about all that could have been, would have been, should have been…long nights made longer by a wandering mind.

But, here we are.  She’s sound asleep in her bed, back to mostly normal.  Whew.

Everything is moving along.  Addalee is growing and changing each day, learning new fun things, being adorable.  I almost can’t believe she’s mine, and she is really here. 

We have some additional news to share…I actually have been waiting until we could have some pictures made, and I was going to post them.  But it’s taking too long to get them back, and I just can’t hold it any more:

(She was having an I-don't-want-my-picture-made-AGAIN-mom kind of day...)

Addalee is a little AND big sister!  I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with Caroline and Addalee’s little “squiggle”  (because that’s what he/she looked like in the first ultrasound!)!!!  Wow!  We’re so very excited, and so very nervous.  I want to go back to how it felt when we got pregnant with Caroline and believe that after 12 weeks, all is well, but I know that it can all fall apart at any point.  So, I’m walking on those eggshells once again.  I can honestly say though, that to this point, it’s slightly less scary than my pregnancy with Addalee.  So, that’s a blessing, and I’ll take it. 

Sharing this news is always a delicate situation.  I know that there are others who read this that are hurting, and the news that someone is expecting is like salt in the wound.  I pray that my news isn’t hurtful to anyone.  I debated on sharing it here, but decided that this is my life, it’s real, and it’s what is really happening in Caroline’s family.  This little person is Caroline’s sibling, too.  It would feel dishonest to hide it.  This is part of the reason I've been MIA for a while...in addition to the lack of sleep!

So, with that, I’ll leave you with a goofy picture of Addalee laughing at the grass. :)

(She actually does have some hair now, it's just super blonde, and mostly in the back!  Ha!)

Finding the Beauty

I have really been skipping computer time lately, but decided to do some catching up tonight.  That means answering a couple of emails, pretending to do research on some upcoming family purchases, and going to Pinterest to waste time look at useful things.


I ran across this picture and these words:

  

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

It's from a website called www.inpursuitofparenthood.com, which apparently is no longer online, but the pins are still there.  I was struck by the picture.  I guess because if I was to lift up my shirt, I have some of that rocking, too!  (The picture is not of my tummy, but I totally have some major stretch marks and stuff from my sweet girls.)  At first I was a little curious as to why someone would post this picture.  Not that I was offended, just taken aback by the honesty, I suppose.  Then I read the words and thought of my Caroline.  I love the words she shared.  If I was going to  change anything about it, I would just add that it was where she lived her life.  Her whole life.  And I'm blessed to have these marks, these "scars."  They're permanent and tangible reminders of my sweet girl (and subsequently, her little sister).  No, I'm not going to sport a bikini anytime ever again, but I'm just fine with that.

I am thankful that I stumbled on this, thankful for the reminder that there is beauty in the mess, thankful for my Caroline, thankful for our Addalee, thankful that I'm still standing.  Because those first days when I looked down at my belly, virtually unrecognizable from what it had been when I got pregnant with Caroline, I was so destroyed.  Not only did I not get to keep my girl, I had to live with the floppy and stretch marked reminder each and every day.  It's taken me a long time to see the beauty, but happily, now I do.

How Time Flies...

Sheesh!  Time has really been getting away from me!  I didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd updated.  But anyway, here I am!  I can see each of you breathing a little easier now! ;)


We've just been living life.  And I have to say that it feels good to be able to say that.  It's not that little Caroline isn't always in my heart, always on my mind, but the grief has allowed me to breathe a little as of late.  I've fallen into the routine of a (fairly) normal mom, and it feels pretty amazing.  For a long time, I couldn't imagine what that would feel like.  I longed to have a baby to slather with sunscreen and splish splash in the lake with, to buckle into the carseat, to change stinky diapers when I just sat down to eat my breakfast, to sing silly songs, and rock in that rocking chair.  The daily life is hard work, sometimes it's way harder than going to a real "job", but it's where I want to be...where I have wanted to be.


Addalee is 10.5 months old.  It's almost like we're in fast forward!  It's insane that she could be almost a year old already (and Caroline almost 2)!  Where has the time gone?!  She truly is a breath of fresh air, a bright smiling, silly dancing, little bit of hair having sweet girl.  Sometimes I look at her and can barely believe she's ours to keep.


I'm going to try to get better at the blogging thing again.  I have good excuses for slacking, I promise!  :)

Afraid of the Dark

I needed to go feed Addalee and go to bed like an hour ago.  I need the sleep, and she needs the milk.  But I can’t bring myself to go upstairs into the dark quiet of bedtime.  I’m not afraid of the dark, per se, I’m afraid of what my mind does in those empty moments before sleep blurs my thoughts.  I’m afraid to relive.  I’m afraid to regret.  I’m afraid to think of how badly I miss her.  I’m afraid to strain to remember her face, her smell.  I’m afraid to panic when I think I’ve forgotten a single detail.  I’m afraid.

Life has been a little heavy lately.  My heart has been filled with such joy and sadness, it’s so completely sad, and yet blissful at the same moment.  Caroline has been so present on my mind.  Each day, she’s in the forefront.  I’m constantly thinking of that darling girl.  How could this really be our story?  How could she really be real? But she is real.  She was a perfect and beautiful baby girl; a baby girl that I would still give my very life to have.

I don’t want to wallow.  That’s not helpful in any shape, form, or fashion.  But I’m just so freaking sad.  I can’t lie about it.  I can’t pretend that it isn’t killing me right now.  Because it’s weighing me down.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want this.  I just don’t.

I’m just about to force myself up those dark stairs.  I’ve almost worked up enough nerve.  And like a scared child, I will run to the safety of my bed (after I feed my little happy girl), and hide under the covers, and pray for all I’m worth until I fall asleep.  And tomorrow, the sun will come up, and the weight will seem more manageable.  But tonight…tonight, I’m afraid of the dark.

They Were Blue

Her eyes were blue.  Caroline’s eyes were the same color as her little sister’s eyes.  I just learned this TODAY.  I know that sounds weird, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t look at her eyes in those 4 hours I spent holding her.  It’s something that I have kicked myself for since the day of her funeral.  I didn’t look at her eyes.  I could only use my imagination to visualize her eyes. 

I was talking to my mother-in-law and mentioned that I hated that I missed my chance to see my sweet girl’s eyes.  I cried as I told her that I didn’t know if her eyes were blue like her Daddy’s (and now her sister’s), or if they were brown, like mine.  She simply said, “They were blue.”  I told her that I had always visualized them being blue, in my dreams, in my thoughts, they’re blue.  I thought she was just guessing as Arthur and I have been in these almost 2 year without her.  But she went on to tell me that she did look at them.  Wow.  I have one more tiny piece of the puzzle of my girl that I didn’t get to keep.

It might seem like a small detail (to those who haven’t walked this path).  But when you only have precious few hours to capture a lifetime of memories, every.single.thing. matters.  I didn’t do things exactly as I wish I had.  I missed things that I will always wonder about, but I did the best I knew how to do given the circumstances.  But today, I can tell you, her eyes were blue.

Quick Update

An update on my grandmother:  She has been moved to a rehab hospital so they can work intensively on her recovery.  She came through the surgery well, and though we still don’t have back the official pathology report, the doctors have said that they do not believe it to be cancer.  So thankful for this!  I’m also thankful to each of you who thought of us and prayed for her!  Please continue to do so as she still has a long way to go!