A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for offering me so much support with that last post.  I needed it, and you all came through.  I really appreciate the friendships that I've made through this amazing community (I wish none of us had to be here, but at least we have each other since we are, right?!).  

Now, on to new business!  We've been gearing up for Christmas.  About time, huh?!  I mean, it's only a week away.  I'm still not done shopping.  I've barely done any wrapping.  I don't have any idea what kind of food I'll be taking to our various shindigs, but I'm not stressing about any of that.  Which is unlike me, but I'll take it! 

I wanted to share a video of Addalee cutting a rug in a sporting goods store during one of our Christmas shopping adventures this week.  She had been going strong for a couple of minutes before I thought to get out the camera.  And of course, she stops when she realizes I've got it going, but it's still fun to watch her tap her foot and shake her booty.  She's definitely my child...and she's a much better dancer than I am! :)

Finally, I'm going to leave you with Addalee's Santa picture for this year.  This was the best picture out of the bunch!  I couldn't help but laugh hysterically as I watched the train wreck of her fighting desperately to escape Santa's grip.  Then Santa started laughing, and so was the photographer.  I was in tears by the time I got to see the pictures.  I tried to pick the worst one - picture a red face, fully open screaming mouth, and dress pulled even more to her waist than in the one below - but Arthur wouldn't let me!  Ha!  Any way you cut it, these are precious memories...and I'm so thankful for them!

So, without further ado:

I just can't see this and not laugh...poor child!

But P.S. This picture was taken less than a minute after the one with Santa.  She wasn't (too) traumatized!  Whew! :)

The Fear

Where have I been?  The answer is right here, the whole time.  I’ve been waking up each day, feet hitting the floor, going non-stop, (thankfully) cleaning sippy cups and dirty hands, torn tissues/”snow”, attempting some Christmas shopping, putting Addalee to bed, then myself and starting over.  I feel like I’m so far behind – on everything, in almost every aspect.  I feel like I’ve just not got the time to do anything all the way.  And I don’t enjoy that feeling, not in the least.  So that’s at least part of the reason I’ve been a bad blogger.  Another part of it is I’ve been discouraged.  I feel like I have the same ol’ things to say, and who really cares anyway!?  I know, I know, I have lots of support, and I couldn’t do this without each of you.  Your comments are like high fives (lame, maybe, but true!). 

But I think the heart of the reason I haven’t been updating is fear.  I’m almost scared to update about this precious little girl that I’m carrying.  I’m terrified to ASSUME that she is going to arrive, safe, alive and healthy.  As a matter of fact, I don’t assume that.  The ugly truth is that I almost assume she won’t.  Basically, I’m the queen of worst-case-scenario since Caroline passed away.  I used to believe that things were going to work out fine until I had a reason not to.  Now I believe the worst until it’s proven not to be the case.  Isn’t that ugly and gross?!  Yuck.  I sure think so.  It’s no way to live.  It’s no way to feel.  It’s heavy carrying around all that nastiness…yet I just can’t seem to lay it all down.  As I sit, just about 30 weeks along, I’m not convinced we’ll be keeping this girl.  I love her, I want her, I even need her, but I can hardly allow myself to imagine holding her and loving her here at home.  I know that things can seem almost perfect just before they fall apart in the worst way.  I’ve lived the beautiful pregnancy that ends in a funeral.  I’ve seen the still screen of an ultrasound of a perfect baby with no heartbeat.  I’ve walked out of the labor and delivery ward with nothing but a memory box and a floppy belly.  And those are the things that I feel I need to be almost always braced for.  I can never completely let my guard down.  And that just plain sucks.

I didn’t intend to come here and give everyone a dose of Debbie Downer, but I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring, and thanks for loving me even though I'm not all sunshine and daisies! :)

Happy Thanksgiving

I know the day is almost over and people are probably thinking more about those Black Friday sales than Thanksgiving at this point, but I wanted to quickly say HAPPY THANKSGIVING from our family to yours.

I found this picture of Addalee last year (ha!).  

My, what a difference a year makes!

We're so blessed!

DIY Little Turkey Shirt

Since Thanksgiving is next week, I thought I’d share a little project. 

I wanted to make sure that Addalee had a little something special to wear for this year.  Last year, we had been given a cute little “My First Thanksgiving” onesie to wear, so mama didn't have to do any planning!  This year though, we didn't have anything special, so I knew I had to get busy!

I looked on Pinterest and found a bunch of adorable little turkey shirts.  I could buy one for upwards of $35 bucks, or I could be cheap crafty and make my own for less than $10.   It was a quick and easy project and I think it turned out super cute! 

You’ll need the following supplies:

A shirt or Onesie

Fabric scraps

Fusible Interfacing (I used Heat N Bond since I had it on hand.)

Scissors

Iron

Sewing Machine or Embroidery Thread and Needle

Turkey Template

Directions:

Pick your fabric scraps.  See that red and white polka dot fabric?  Yeah, that is from a pair of pajama pants I got for FREE at a yard sale!  SCORE! 

Lay out your fabric scraps on your Heat N Bond to see how much you’ll need. 

Cut the Heat N Bond to just under the size of your fabric scrap.  That way you don’t end up with a sticky mess on your iron when you iron over exposed parts of the interfacing!

Put the rough (non-paper) side of the Heat N Bond to the wrong side of your fabric scrap and iron.

Now trace the feather and body templates to the paper side of the Heat N Bond on the appropriate fabric.  I cut out 2 feathers in each fabric.  I liked a more uneven look though, so I only gave my little turkey 7 feathers.  I also used a burlap fabric for the body.  You were going to be able to see through it too much (which looked sloppy), so I just put 1 cutout of the body on top of the other for thickness.

I did a practice round of placement before peeling the paper off the back of the feathers and body. 

***At this point, if you’re going to hand embroider a face on your little turkey, go ahead and do it.  I put this step off until the very last and it was less than easy to push the embroidery needle through all the fabric.  But it wasn’t impossible, so don’t panic if you discover you’ve left this step until the end.

I started with the center feather and peeled the paper off the back and ironed it on, and then repeated that for each set of feathers and the body last.

Now you can sew your feathers and body on either by hand or with your sewing machine.  I chose to do it by hand because I liked the imperfection of the stitches.  (There’s perfection in imperfection, in my opinion!)

All done! 

Now you get to put it on your kiddo!  My little model was more interested in playing than sharing her mama’s turkey creation!  But you get the idea! :)

I had to share this picture too.  I mean, she was definitely thinking, "Yeah Mom, you nailed it with this shirt!  Thanks for making for me!"  Ha!

Chili Cook-offs and Fevers

So this last week has kind of been a bust. As always, I have these grand ideas of actually getting things accomplished and marked off my proverbial to-do list (which only ever seems to grow, even when I am productive. What's that about?!). But it just didn't work out that way. Life came at us, and we just held on for the ride. 

 I was volunteered to enter a chili cook-off and bake sale charity thing for Arthur's work. No pressure, right. Well, uh, yeah. There was some pressure, for sure! I got in over my head. There was a ton of large quantity cooking to do, and it just turned out, we also had a sickly girl on our hands. Addalee ran a low-ish fever off and on Monday and Tuesday. I had to gather some supplies for my culinary adventures, Tuesday we needed to go vote, and Wednesday was cook-off day. That's a lot crammed into 2 days. Especially with a 14 month old that just isn't feeling quite herself. Thankfully, she was mostly just a bit extra tired, but showed no other real symptoms. By Wednesday, when I had envisioned slowing down a bit, her fever hit 104.5. Yikes. I'm kinda a panicky mama...you could say I've earned the right to be...and that temperature was a bit uncomfortable for all of us. So, we went to the Pediatrician. They looked her over, found nothing bothersome, sent off some bloodwork, and told me to just manage her fever. K.Thanks. I was actually hoping for an ear infection or something we could treat instead of just waiting around on who knows what. By Thursday, she was feeling real bad. So, I took her back for them to run more tests (wonder why they didn't just do that while we were there?!?!). This time there was a flu test, negative (praise the Lord), a catheter to check for UTI (ouch, pitiful and painful to watch), and a virus screen for about 15 common viruses. And then it was back home to await results and manage that hateful fever that came back with a vengeance when the meds wore off. Poor girl was just pitiful. She wanted to laugh and play, but would wear out so fast she'd just end up laying down on the floor. By Friday, she was still spiking her fever in the early morning hours, so we knew it wasn't quite over. I got a call later in the day with all of her test results...all clear. Well, that's great, but why is she sick then?! Final answer: Probably just some type of virus. Okay. I have to accept that. But I really like things to be wrapped up nice ans neat. This wasn't. And I was frustrated, and scared. The next tests to be run were for real illnesses, inflammatory illnesses, make you sick to your stomach type stuff...not a road I was comfortable walking down. After a lot of worry and prayer, she finally broke her fever on Friday night! She's still not 100%, but she's headed in the right direction and we're thrilled. 

 I remember when we lost Caroline, even fantasizing about taking care of her through her childhood sicknesses. I so desperately wanted to mother her. Of course, I never wanted her to be sick, but kids do get sick. And she was a kid. And I wanted all that went with her growing up. I never want Addalee to be sick either, but somehow I can even cherish that I'm being able to care for her, when her cheeks are all rosy and her little head is sweaty, when she throws up all over both of us, when she cries because her teeth really do hurt that bad, when she falls down and scrapes her hands and knees...I get to be her mom through all of that and so much more, and I feel so very blessed. Tired yes, but oh so blessed.

Falling Behind

I still have every intention of finishing up the Capture Your Grief series, but I'm having a really hard time finding the motivation right now.  I guess I just kind of feel like I'm so far behind on everything, I'm overwhelmed.  

I'm not completely sure what has me feeling so overwhelmed, but I just feel like I can't catch up.  Things got super busy at the end of October with all the hubbub around Halloween and just plain life.  I'm hoping that this isn't a sign of things to come with Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner.  Even if it is, my only option is to hold on for the ride, right?!

Halloween was bittersweet for us, as it seems to be now.  It was the first "holiday" after losing Caroline, so it holds a little special place in our hearts.  There were lots of little kiddos knocking on our door, and we were able to take Addalee around our neighborhood.  So, it was a nice night.  It's such a joy to get to see Addalee enjoy festivities.  She loves getting out and about giving smiles and waves to everyone she sees.  She's such a happy girl.  She is such a blessing.

Our little Kitty

CYG - Day 29 - Music

I have always had a special connection to music.  I come from a very musical family (though none of their talents made it to me), so we were always surrounded by music of all types and styles.  I also grew up in church and had a strong connection to hymns.  Some of these songs offer profound messages of love, strength, comfort, peace, etc.  One hymn I always felt connected to was Because He Lives.

If you don't know this particular hymn, it's message is simple: Through life's challenges and difficulties, we can continue to carry on because He lives.  

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow;

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future;

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Those words have offered me strength and comfort over the years.  When I would struggle through issues during school, this would be the song running through my mind.  When my grandfathers passed away, I sang it to myself in those sad times.  Some days I just sang it in worship and praise.

Caroline loved church.  She loved the singing.  She'd kick happily when the music started, and I would sway and sing so she'd be able to feel the music too.  She took part, she was there. 

On October 19, 2010, I had a private praise and worship service in my garage as I finished the preparations on the changing table we'd purchased on Craigslist.  I held my 39 week pregnant belly, and sang to my God.  It wasn't a sad time, or a hard time, but my song was Because He Lives.  She kicked and we shared that special time together.  She was due to be born (by induction to keep me from going past my due date) in less than 2 days, so I was enjoying this quiet time together.  Gearing up, preparing my mind, preparing my heart, preparing my spirit to birth our first precious child.  The rest of the day was non-eventful.  She kicked as she was supposed to, giving me no cause for concern.  But around 10:00pm something went wrong.  I could feel it.  I knew she was gone, but wouldn't allow my mind to admit it.  Within a couple of hours, our train was completely derailed when it was confirmed via ultrasound that our little girl's heart had stopped beating.  

Because He Lives is the last song I sang to my girl.  Because He Lives, her broken-hearted mama can continue in this life.  Because He Lives, I will get to see her and hold her again.  

We even included those words on her headstone.

CYG - Day 27 - Artwork

This is the embroidery I did to hang above Caroline's crib.  It's made to match the bedding.  It turned out so cute in the nursery! I didn't take it down until after Addalee was born.  I just didn't have the nerve.  I also couldn't bring myself to do another one for Addalee, so this is the last one I have done.  It now hangs in our hallway with a picture of our sweet Caroline.

CYG - Day 26 - Her Age

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is her age.  I had carried Caroline for 39 weeks and 2 days when she passed away.  We learned of her death in the evening of October 19, and she was born the next evening.  

Those 39 weeks and 2 days were some of the sweetest days of my life.  I'm incredibly thankful for those precious days with her, I just wish we could have had a lifetime instead of such a short time.

CYG - Day 25 - Baby Showers

We had 3 showers when we were expecting little Caroline.  We were filled with such excitement and surrounded by such love and anticipation.  Our friends and family poured gifts, encouragement, and blessings on us and our girl.  It was humbling to be on the receiving end of so many gifts and support.  

We waited until pretty late in the game to have the showers, to be on the safe side.  The showers were beautiful and fun.  There was good food, good friends (and family), and good times with smiles, hugs, and laughter.  They were exactly what I wanted.  

We got amazing gifts.  Tons of beautiful things.  After the showers, our home was as ready for our girl as our hearts and arms were!  I took time to do tiny little laundry.  I folded and fixed and fussed over everything in her room.  It was all ready.  Everything was ready.

Then it happened.  She died.  She died and we had all of this...stuff.  The stuff that we'd been so excited and blessed to get seemed to be taunting me.  I felt so stupid for ever believing that it was all going to work out, embarrassed for assuming that Caroline was going to be happy and healthy just like "everyone else's babies."  When we came home, and saw all of her things, I panicked.  I wondered if we were supposed to return all the gifts.  Like a wedding that got called off at the last minute, I thought there might be some sort of etiquette that meant I needed to box everything up and send all the pink fluffy items back to the people who'd purchased them for us.  Did I need to include a card that said, "Sorry for the inconvenience, our baby died.  Here's your gift back.  Wish we could have kept it.  Thanks, anyway!"

During my pregnancy with Addalee, I was adamant that we'd have no showers.  Partly because we did get to keep all of the beautiful things given to us for our Caroline, and partly because I felt like it would be tempting fate.  If Addalee had been a boy, maybe I would have felt differently, but I doubt it.  

I'm thankful for the showers that were so graciously given for us.  While those gifts and beautiful things were difficult to look at for a time (and some still are quite bittersweet), they've finally gotten some good use with Caroline's little sister.  Though Addalee wasn't the original baby girl intended for those gifts, she's gotten a lot of good use out of her big sister's things.  And we couldn't be more thankful for that.