Introducing...

I am pleased beyond measure to be able to introduce Caroline's little sister, Ms. Addalee Elizabeth.  She was born at 8:34pm on August 22.  She weighed 5lbs 5oz and was 19.5 inches long.  We are so thrilled that she is here, safe and sound and that God blessed us so much.  Of course, we still think about our sweet little Caroline girl, and miss her all the more.

I want to thank each of you for your love, support, and prayers during the waiting game of this pregnancy.  I am so excited to be able to continue sharing pieces of Caroline's family's life with you.

All our love,
Caroline's Family

Ranting and Raving

Yeah, so I've been putting off writing a post like this, but I just need to get this out.  So, consider this your warning...I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, that is not my intention.  K, thanks!

One of my (LEAST) favorite things that people have said to me after losing Caroline is that God just needed another flower for His garden.  I'm going to type it again, and ask that you read it slowly, and really focus on what the words are saying..."God just needed another flower for His garden."  Okay, so let me dissect this...my beloved daughter, whom I had an entire life planned with was plucked (like how I stuck with the garden theme there!?) from our lives to be taken to Heaven to be a mere flower in the garden of God?  He chose MY child to be one of the zillions of measly little flowers in one of His zillions of gardens in Heaven?  Now, I'm not saying that Heaven is not a beautiful place.  I can't even fathom with my earthly perception what glory Heaven must be.  But I know that my child is more important than a flower.  I know this to be a fact.  Now, before you think that I'm just a big fat ogre, I know that people are trying to be helpful when they say things like this.  I have just heard it enough times now that I need to vent about it.  I normally just smile and nod to a comment like this, a comment that proves that this person doesn't get it.  Plain and simply, they do not understand because they've never had to live through something like this.  That is an incredible blessing to them, but their words, though well meaning, are incredibly hurtful and nerve-wracking for me.

Breathe.

Alright, moving on.  One more, and then I should be feeling lighter..."I have a good feeling about this pregnancy."  "I just believe everything is going to be okay this time, I just have that feeling."  This one actually confuses me a little bit.  It confuses me because part of me appreciates it, and then part of me doesn't know what to do with it.  I always want to ask them, "Did you know that Caroline was going to die!?"  "Did you have a BAD feeling about my pregnancy with Caroline!?"  I truly do know that the people who have said this to me are incredibly sweet and mean nothing but the nicest things.  So I'm not really ranting or venting about this one so much as just expressing that I don't really know how to handle it.  I've talked to Caroline's Daddy about this more than a few times.  Our consensus is that we didn't know that everything could go so horribly wrong in our pregnancy with Caroline.  We didn't know to have a good or bad feeling.  No one did.  We were naive, and how I miss that beautiful and light naivete.  I honestly believed that Caroline was going to come home and live here with us.  I had no idea that she was going to be an angel baby.  If I had known she was going to Heaven instead of her nursery, I wouldn't have taken such pains to prepare of her arrival.  I wouldn't have planned everything from her coming home outfit, to the packs of diapers on the changing table, to the car seat in the car for weeks before delivery...I would have bought that beautiful white Christening gown she was buried in, and visited the memorial people to pick out a headstone...but that's just NOT what you do when you're preparing for a baby!

It's this blind belief that all was going to be well in our little world that I fear now.  I fear it because I was so incredibly blindsided.  I still can't believe sometimes when I look back on everything that this is real.  I can't believe it all really happened.  I can't believe our sweet little Caroline passed away before she took her first breath.  It's all still so surreal.  But, it is reality.  It did happen.  Our beautiful girl, passed from the safety of my womb to Jesus' arms.  That is what really happened.

I am progressing through this pregnancy with Caroline's little sister with all of this behind me.  I go through each day with her, with the knowledge of all that we've lived through.  I am beyond blessed to be here.  Our family has been so incredibly loved and cared for since we lost our beautiful little girl.  And I am incredibly thankful that God blessed us with Caroline's little sister (and so quickly).  This pregnancy has had some bumps in the road.  We have had a couple of scares, but she seems to be growing into a beautiful and healthy little girl.  I am now right about 2 weeks away from delivering Ms. Addalee into the world.  Lord willing, she'll be alive and healthy.  I truly believe she will be, but I know all to well that you can make it to the end of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby and not get a healthy baby to take home.  So, I'm asking for prayers as we go through these next 2 weeks or so.  Prayers for Addalee's health and safety, prayers for our family's peace and sanity, and prayers for a healthy delivery of a live and happy little girl.

Again, I hope that my words haven't offended anyone.  I assure you, that was never my intention.  So, if I have offended, I truly do apologize!

Wonderful Promises

Rainbows...do you remember getting excited to see them when you were a child?  I do.  Somehow, their awesomeness was lost on me as a teen and an adult.  This isn't something that I'm proud of.  It's almost like it was something that I grew out of, for whatever reason...the amazingness of the world and the creatures living in it.  I lost sight of so much, because I got so busy living my life.  I wasn't even living the life I truly wanted to be living, the "end goal" kind of life...but I was working the plan, doing the best I could to do what I was supposed to do.  I'm not saying that I wasn't happy in my life.  I've been extraordinarily blessed, I want to always make that point.  I'm thankful to have been able to go to college, graduate, and get a good job.  I'm thankful for a wonderful husband, our second house, a couple of nice cars, and a comfortable life.  I'm thankful for my family, my friends, even my dog!  But I had missed something.  Some of the beauty that is in the world, and in life.  I was so busy living that I didn't see much.  I saw chores, bills, and deadlines...that's where my priorities were!  When we got pregnant with Caroline, that started to change.  Now, my priorities were preparing for her, mentally, physically, emotionally.  I was her mama and I needed to be ready for that role.  I did whatever I knew to do.  Then.  We.  Lost.  Her.  She slipped out of the world, waking to the glory of Heaven before she ever even opened her eyes outside my womb.  I realized then how much living I've been missing.  I realize that I missed some of her life because I didn't think that I needed to cherish those little things...at least not as much as I wish I had.  Hindsight being what it is, I would have done things differently...but, we don't get do-overs.  So, after she passed away, the world looked different to me.  And in these 9 months (and then some) that we've been living in this world without our little Caroline, I saw my first rainbows yesterday...and they were beautiful.  They brought tears to my eyes.  Now, I know that anyone around who looked at the sky would have seen that double rainbow, but I kind of felt like it was created by God, just for me.  Kind of a little message from Him straight to me...and I'm thankful for it.   I snapped a couple of pictures with our little digital camera (not the nice camera, but the small point and shoot...not that I can take good pictures anyway!), and thought I'd share a little of the beauty with you! :)

More Stuff to Keep Me Busy!

So, time keeps on ticking (ticking, ticking...) and I'm still here!  Everything is actually going very well.  The anxiety is staying mostly in check.  I've only had a couple of rough patches/days.  We're making progress, and I'm thrilled about that.  I'm a little nervous, because we are getting to the end of this pregnancy, and I know that the end of pregnancy doesn't always mean you get a beautiful little baby to take home.  I don't want to sound morbid, because I do believe we are going to get to bring Caroline's little sister home, but it is still so scary that we're this close again.

So, one thing I try to do, as I've mentioned before, is keep myself occupied.  I love to make things.  So, I've been taking on some new projects here and there.  I've also been cleaning my house like a fool!  I don't know if this is nesting, or what, but I'm proud of how clean I've gotten it!  Now, if it would just STAY that way!

I have a sweet friend who just had a little boy.  I made her this diaper clutch, burp cloth, and pacifier clips.  I haven't gotten to give them to her yet, but I can't wait! 

This is a little burp cloth and pacifier clip set that I just made while I was working on the others.  I thought they were fun!

This is the wreath I made for my Granny for her birthday!  I hope she likes it! :)

Happy Anniversary!

I just wanted to take a quick minute to wish a happy anniversary to my best friend, partner, love of my life, soul mate, wonderful husband.  It's been seven years now, and they've taken us a long way...but I still get giddy when he comes home from work at the end of the day!  Seeing him smile lights up my day.  Knowing that I have him walking beside me through all that life brings sure does make the trip a little easier to face!

When we got married those years ago, I never dreamed that we'd come down this path, the path of losing a child.  Like most people when they're getting married, I expected the good, and didn't really ever think about the bad that could and undoubtedly would happen eventually, in some form or another.  There has been some pretty heavy "bad" in our seven years, but this man has stood beside me, and sometimes been the thing holding me up.  I'm so thankful that God allowed him to come into my life.  So thankful that God has given me a husband who truly does love and support me...even when I'm hard to love (like that would ever happen! ;) )  

So, happy anniversary, to my husband, Caroline's (and little Addalee's) Daddy.  Here's to many many more anniversaries, and facing what life brings us...together!

Retirement and 9 months

Yeah...so, I retired from my job.  Sounds silly, I know, but I did.  My dad and I are actually retiring together!  Crazy!!!!  It feels really strange to not have a job anymore.  I mean, you go to school, you get a job, and you work...until you're older.  (I don't mean like an elderly person, but older than 30, typically)  Basically, the situation of our lives led us to consider my retirement.  When I was pregnant with Caroline, there was no question that I was going back to work after she was born.  I was going to take a respectable 3 months off and begrudgingly go back to work.  Well, things didn't go according to plan.  I think I ended up having to take about a month off.  I don't know if I really had any business going back even then, but I figured I had to do something...make some kind of move.  And so I worked, but I never found my place again.  I felt like everyone was playing from a different sheet of music than I was.  I had lost my stride.  I lost my spark...I lost a part of my heart. 

There were so many days that I would just break down, right there at my desk.  I'd face the wall in hopes that no one would notice, but I'm sure people did.  I'm sure they could even hear me sometimes.  Grief is so heavy, and I struggled to carry it while pretending to be okay and able to handle the responsibilities of my job.  Granted, the people I worked with and for were gracious and sweet...but it was still difficult for me.

Then we got pregnant with little Addalee.  That was a bit of a shock...to everyone!  Having her in our lives is an absolute blessing straight from God, I never want to discount that.  But, the stress of a new pregnancy and trying to work...I was really struggling.  I couldn't handle anything!  I got choked up in meetings!!!  It was not fun.  Eventually, my pelvic condition landed me working from home most days, and that helped me out tremendously.  But, the more we thought about the future, and tried to envision being parents to a baby at home with us, we realized how much it meant to us for me to stay home.  So, they prayer and considerations began.  There were days where I was gung-ho, and days that I was NEVER leaving my job...the financial security was a very big deal!  Finally, I felt the gentle guidance of the Lord telling me that I needed to leave.  And while I have peace about it, it's still so scary!  I mean, leaving a job in this economy! 

If I'm honest, part of my fear is that I'm somehow being presumptuous about Addalee's safe (and live) arrival.  It's kind of like counting your chickens before they hatch.  I realize that this probably makes me sound like a nutjob, and that's fine by me.  I also feel that way about buying diapers, hanging her initials on the wall above her crib (the one bought and set up for her big sister, Caroline).  I feel like I should wait for the other shoe to drop even as Addalee kicks me (HARD) as I type this.  I feel like I shouldn't get too excited.  I shouldn't feel too comfortable.  I should expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised (if) when it doesn't happen.  As a side note, I realize how crazy this sounds...I'm just being completely honest here.  I know that it's not "normal" to feel this way about the upcoming (only 7 more weeks!) birth of your child.  I truly do have hope, but I'm scared to get comfortable in it.

I wish I could face the world and say that I feel great, all the time about this pregnancy and its outcome.  I wish I could say that my prayers for Addalee's arrival didn't include the word "alive" or that I don't ask God to give Caroline the message that we love her and miss her. But, I simply cannot.  You see, losing Caroline has shaken me...to my very core.  This whole thing has been a complete life changer.  It has touched each area of my life in one way or another.  Caroline affected me, and I'm so thankful for her.  But the loss affected me too...and it left me timid, afraid...broken.  Yes, I'm functioning.  Yes, I am blessed.  I realize this, and do not want to seem ungrateful.  But, there will always be a part of me missing.

I was talking to Addie in my belly the other day, and absent-mindedly called her Caroline.  I don't know why I'm sharing this, because it's somehow embarrassing to me.  I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed because people with more than one living child get the names messed up occasionally...heck, I've even called my husband by the dog's name before!!! :)  But I felt bad when I made this slip up.  I felt more than bad.  I felt guilty to each of the girls for different reasons.  It felt like a betrayal to each of them.

I've been kind of hiding out because of all that's been going on in life.  As I said, I don't handle stress very well these days, and it's kind of making me clam up - I know you can't tell by reading this rambling post...but it feels good to get some of this out there!  But it's been 9 months now since we lost Caroline.  And it's gotten easier to carry the grief, but it's still noticeably there, each and every day.  I miss that girl.  I miss her soft cheeks.  I miss her long fingers.  I miss her.  We had a whole life planned with her, and now I have a whole life planned to remember her.  I'm so excited that I do get to see her again...I can't imagine living without that sweet promise.  Thank you, Lord!

So, little Caroline, we still think of you all the time.  Me and your Daddy talk about you each and every day.  I even still sleep with that little pink and white blanket of yours.  You're always and forever our sweet girl.  And we sure do miss you!

Keeping Busy

Well, Caroline's little sister and I are now into the third trimester!  We're excited to be this far along, but it's scary.  The closer we get to what's considered "full term," the more scared I am that something horrible could happen.  I have a lot of faith that everything is currently okay and going to be okay with this little girl, but it's just so scary.  Fears have a way of running away with you sometimes.  So, one thing that I've been trying to do is just keep myself busy - not let my mind have too much time to over think everything.

With the 4th of July coming up, I've been thinking a lot of how things used to be.  The 4th used to be a big "to-do" in our family.  My parents live on the lake and we'd have the WHOLE family come over and we'd enjoy the lake and boats and swimming and food...and then, we'd take out the boats to see the town's firework show.  (For those of you who haven't ever seen fireworks from the water, you should, it's awesome!)  This used to be something I looked forward to all year long.  I liked 4th of July better than Christmas!  I mean, you can't swim and boat on Christmas (not where I live anyway)!  Things have changed so much over these last few years though...we've grown up, cousins have their own families and their own plans, some have passed away, some have grown away.  But, it's changed even more for me...last year, I was so hopeful about Caroline being here for her first 4th of July this year.  It was going to be so great!  She's not here though, and therefore, things aren't as I pictured.  I don't want to focus on the negative, because we've got so much promise with Caroline's little sister, but there is certainly some sadness.  So...instead of just being mopey and crappy to be around, I've decided to keep busy in the upcoming days and focus on all the positivity I can.

One way I've been keeping busy is cooking and baking.  My mom asked me if I would bring a desert for our little family's cookout/lake day...and I jumped at the chance!  Something to keep me busy!  So, I made something we call Dreamy Squares.  I thought I'd share the recipe here with you...it's worth making...soooooo good!

Dreamy Squares

Ingredients:

*  1.5 c self-rising flour

*  1 c chopped pecans

*  3/4 c melted butter

*  1 8oz pkg softened cream cheese

*  1 c sifted powdered sugar

*  12 oz Cool Whip

*  Fruit of your choice

I started out with these beauties:

There's nothing like some sweet strawberries (probably my favorite fruit)

I washed them, and then washed them, and then washed them again.  And then capped and sliced them.  Then set aside until the recipe was ready for them.

Go ahead and preheat your oven to 325 degrees.

In a medium bowl, mix butter and flour until combined - it's kind of a sandy texture (I wish I'd taken a picture of this part).  Once combined, stir in 1/2 cup of the chopped pecans.  Then press mixture into the bottom of a 9X13 baking dish.  Bake for 12 - 15 minutes.

 

While crust is baking, mix cream cheese and sifted sugar until smooth.  Then fold in about 1 cup of the Cool Whip.

Spread mixture over warm (NOT HOT) crust

Just so you know, this all goes better if you have someone like this to help you! :)

 Spoon your fruit over the cream cheese layer.

Cover with remaining Cool Whip and sprinkle with remaining pecans.

Refrigerate, and eat up! :)

Then clean up your dog's Cool Whip face...he's a good helper, I told you!

Here's a recipe card for you to print to make this quick, easy, and oh so yummy treat:

(click for bigger card)

Happy 4th of July everyone!!!

Crafts and Fun

Everyone needs that something to help them pass the time...to keep their minds from driving themselves crazy.  I've found that if I don't keep myself busy enough, I could make myself nuts just letting my mind wander.  So, one of the things that I've done is jump into various craft projects.  I have always enjoyed making things, something my mom started with me when I was really young - THANKS, MOM!  There is just something so fun about creating something.  I really enjoy the "trash-to-treasure" crafts.  You know where you start off with yard waste and a rubber band and come up with a beautiful centerpiece for your dinner party!?  Well, I'm no where near that good, but I have done a few things that I'm pretty proud of.  I thought I'd just take a second to share some of the fun things I've been doing lately.

Please bear in mind that I'm no photographer! :)

hand embroidered monogrammed pillowcases

fabric flower headband

Of course, I bought the dress, but sewed on/embroidered the button flowers to dress it up a little!

Yarn wreath with felt flowers

4th of July yarn wreath for a gift

My 4th of July wreath on my front door!

Primitive embroidery

I made the firecrackers in the center (from toilet paper rolls)

4th of July yarn wreath for Ramsey Family auction

Bunny kitchen towel, hand embroidered

I had a really hard time getting a good picture of this wreath...camera and lighting issues.  This one is made from toilet paper rolls too!

8 Months

It's been 8 months since we held our little Caroline.  I've been fortunate enough to be able to push a lot of these thoughts to the back of my mind instead of focusing on them and getting down in the dumps.  This strategy worked fairly well for me...until this week.  This week, my "keep yourself so busy you can't be bothered with grief" strategy has failed!  I don't mean to be overly dramatic, it's not like I've hit rock bottom or anything, but I have had a rough few days.

As we're getting closer to the third trimester (Friday!) with Addalee, I'm reminded of my pregnancy with Caroline.  I'm reminded how much I miss her, how much I want HER...and how much I want her sister to be here safely and healthily.  I'm also a little torn on how to prepare for the arrival of Caroline's little sister.  With Caroline, I bought packs of diapers (can't bring myself to do that this time), I washed and folded all of her things (haven't been able to think of that this time), I worked in her room (don't really need to do much since it's all set up from before)...it's just a strange feeling, a strange place to be, uncomfortable.

I've been keeping a weekly blog of my pregnancy with Addalee (side note: it's private, but if you'd like to follow along, just comment and leave me your email address).  I like to include a weekly size comparison picture, you know the rutabaga or English hot house cucumber comparison.  So, each week, I Google my week and the comparison picture.  This week, I happened to stumble upon another little pregnancy blog.  It was cute and happy and was written much like my blog, like how I write, like how I think.  Then I noticed the dates...with a sick stomach and sweaty hands, I kept looking.  I knew I shouldn't. I  knew I should have stopped.  But that morbid curiosity just drew me in.  This lady's little girl was delivered the day after Caroline.  She is a beautiful little girl, her parents' first child, loved immeasurably.  They have regularly posted pictures of their sweet little girl, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Sunday, Tuesday...you get the idea.  The ones that got me the most were Halloween, and the most recent ones.  Caroline's Daddy is a big kid - one of the things I love about him.  He loves Halloween, and so do I.  We bought this adorable little bat costume for Caroline and were so excited to answer the door to the trick-or-treaters with our little baby bat.  We had plans for Halloween.  She was part of them.  We could SEE her in that costume.  But that wasn't to be.  Then I saw this couple's precious little girl sitting up, widely and toothlessly grinning, on a swimming pool step.  Then it really struck me, Caroline should be grinning, and sitting up and having a real personality and being a real child.  I've held on to the image of her as a teeny tiny baby, and distanced myself from the thoughts of her as an actual BABY.  Part of this was a survival mechanism, I'm sure...but upon realizing what I have been doing, I am crushed.  Crushed because that mechanism is gone now, and crushed because I feel like I may have cheated Caroline somehow.

I don't want to seem all gloom and doom, or like Debbie Downer (bwwaahh bwaahhh), so I need to share that things are actually going well for us.  As I said before, we are this.close to the start of the third trimester, and I'm overjoyed about this.  Addalee is an active girl, who loves to kick her Mommy and even share some private kicks with her Daddy while Mommy is sleeping!  She has her own personality, different from her big sister, and we wouldn't have it any other way.  Addalee also seems to have quite the resemblance to her sister, their ultrasounds are almost identical!  We're praying, and ask that you do too, for a little girl, alive and healthy, to be in our arms in approximately 10 weeks.

Memorial Day Weekend

I need to do better about updating this blog.  I find that I have so much to say, so many thoughts, but I don't get them put into words on here.  I think it's partly because there is so much that I feel like I need to get off my chest that it just overwhelms me.

This last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  In the past, this weekend has signified the start of summer, and been the first official lake day...a day that I greatly looked forward to.  It has been a day that my family gets together, takes out the boat, spends time and cooks out...simple joys.  That has changed now.  The cemetery where Caroline is buried has their decoration on the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend.  It's a family cemetery and it's only Caroline and her great-grandfather (a WWII veteran) buried there...and we get together, spend the day, and eat a meal...simple joys, with a little sadness. I'm so thankful though to be surrounded by a family (both sides) who love me and us and little Caroline.  Her little grave was decorated with so many flowers, it was very sweet.

I'm finding though, that I really dread all milestone dates.  I wanted to skip Thanksgiving and Christmas last year...I would have been fine to nix Mother's Day altogether, and I was really dreading Memorial Day too.  I dread those days because they're so difficult for me.  I dread them because it takes me multiple days to recover.  I almost feel as though I've been in a fight after, even physically sore.  Who knew grief could be that physically painful!?  But it is, it runs me through the ringer more days than not.

I'm dealing with a whole lot of big emotions - what's new!?  I honestly don't even know how to share them sometimes, and actually right now, I could just cry.  I know that some of this comes with being pregnant again.  Pregnancy all by itself is crazy when it comes to emotions, so pregnancy plus grief...it only stands to reason that it's a roller coaster.  I think that right now, what I'm feeling most is bitterness and jealousy.  I'm so jealous of all the people who have such an easy time having babies!  I'm so bitter that they've all gotten to do it, and I haven't (yet).  I'm not only jealous and bitter for myself, but for my husband, for my parents, for his parents.  They were all crushed through the loss of Caroline too.  In some ways, it would be so much better if I had felt this all by myself, though that would have been painful too.  At least I would know that those I cherish most aren't hurting as badly as I am.

Then there's actual anger.  I've done pretty well with not being angry throughout this experience.  I'm not angry at God.  I've come to a place in my relationship with Him where I feel comforted and been given peace.  I'm angry at people...well-meaning, but hurtful people.  There are people giving me birth advice...like I guess they think that Caroline just "tele-ported" out of my womb.  Yeah, uh....not so much...I labored, I pushed, I gave birth, just like every other mother with a live child.  Also, don't be scared of ___________ - things that can happen during birth.  My answer is that I'm not scared of birth, any of it...my fear is getting a live baby TO birth.  If they need to do a c-section on me, so be it.  I just need to get this baby to her birth living, and then I have complete faith that the doctors will do what is best for us.  I guess I want to tell them that I don't really feel like I need advice on these kinds of things.  I appreciate that they care, but this is maddening for me.  Vent over.

Really, things are going well for us.  Addalee is a healthy and beautiful little girl, who kicks the doppler because she also has a personality!  She's a blessing, and I believe that her big sister is proud of her already.  We sure do miss big sister, and can't wait until our family is all reunited one day!