Sunday, July 29, 2012

Like, Seriously (also Potentially Sensitive)

I need to get better about posting again, like seriously.  I guess I’ve just gotten out of the swing of things.  We went through a strange “what have you done with my baby” phase recently with Addalee when she stopped sleeping.  I mean, like just wouldn’t do it.  Any time.  At all.  None.  It was ridiculous.  And I cried.  It was dumb.  We honestly have no idea what happened to her.  One night, it was night time as usual and the next night, nada.  So, after a week of sleeplessness, I wasn’t fit for much but surviving.  And it’s taken me a (very long) while to bounce back.

During the sleepless nights, I thought of Caroline some.  I wondered if we would have done this with her. I wondered if she would have been an easy sleeper, or require lots of work.  I thought about all that could have been, would have been, should have been…long nights made longer by a wandering mind.

But, here we are.  She’s sound asleep in her bed, back to mostly normal.  Whew.

Everything is moving along.  Addalee is growing and changing each day, learning new fun things, being adorable.  I almost can’t believe she’s mine, and she is really here. 

We have some additional news to share…I actually have been waiting until we could have some pictures made, and I was going to post them.  But it’s taking too long to get them back, and I just can’t hold it any more:

(She was having an I-don't-want-my-picture-made-AGAIN-mom kind of day...)

Addalee is a little AND big sister!  I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with Caroline and Addalee’s little “squiggle”  (because that’s what he/she looked like in the first ultrasound!)!!!  Wow!  We’re so very excited, and so very nervous.  I want to go back to how it felt when we got pregnant with Caroline and believe that after 12 weeks, all is well, but I know that it can all fall apart at any point.  So, I’m walking on those eggshells once again.  I can honestly say though, that to this point, it’s slightly less scary than my pregnancy with Addalee.  So, that’s a blessing, and I’ll take it. 

Sharing this news is always a delicate situation.  I know that there are others who read this that are hurting, and the news that someone is expecting is like salt in the wound.  I pray that my news isn’t hurtful to anyone.  I debated on sharing it here, but decided that this is my life, it’s real, and it’s what is really happening in Caroline’s family.  This little person is Caroline’s sibling, too.  It would feel dishonest to hide it.  This is part of the reason I've been MIA for a while...in addition to the lack of sleep!

So, with that, I’ll leave you with a goofy picture of Addalee laughing at the grass. :)

(She actually does have some hair now, it's just super blonde, and mostly in the back!  Ha!)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Finding the Beauty

I have really been skipping computer time lately, but decided to do some catching up tonight.  That means answering a couple of emails, pretending to do research on some upcoming family purchases, and going to Pinterest to waste time look at useful things.

I ran across this picture and these words:

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

It's from a website called www.inpursuitofparenthood.com, which apparently is no longer online, but the pins are still there.  I was struck by the picture.  I guess because if I was to lift up my shirt, I have some of that rocking, too!  (The picture is not of my tummy, but I totally have some major stretch marks and stuff from my sweet girls.)  At first I was a little curious as to why someone would post this picture.  Not that I was offended, just taken aback by the honesty, I suppose.  Then I read the words and thought of my Caroline.  I love the words she shared.  If I was going to  change anything about it, I would just add that it was where she lived her life.  Her whole life.  And I'm blessed to have these marks, these "scars."  They're permanent and tangible reminders of my sweet girl (and subsequently, her little sister).  No, I'm not going to sport a bikini anytime ever again, but I'm just fine with that.

I am thankful that I stumbled on this, thankful for the reminder that there is beauty in the mess, thankful for my Caroline, thankful for our Addalee, thankful that I'm still standing.  Because those first days when I looked down at my belly, virtually unrecognizable from what it had been when I got pregnant with Caroline, I was so destroyed.  Not only did I not get to keep my girl, I had to live with the floppy and stretch marked reminder each and every day.  It's taken me a long time to see the beauty, but happily, now I do.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

How Time Flies...

Sheesh!  Time has really been getting away from me!  I didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd updated.  But anyway, here I am!  I can see each of you breathing a little easier now! ;)

We've just been living life.  And I have to say that it feels good to be able to say that.  It's not that little Caroline isn't always in my heart, always on my mind, but the grief has allowed me to breathe a little as of late.  I've fallen into the routine of a (fairly) normal mom, and it feels pretty amazing.  For a long time, I couldn't imagine what that would feel like.  I longed to have a baby to slather with sunscreen and splish splash in the lake with, to buckle into the carseat, to change stinky diapers when I just sat down to eat my breakfast, to sing silly songs, and rock in that rocking chair.  The daily life is hard work, sometimes it's way harder than going to a real "job", but it's where I want to be...where I have wanted to be.

Addalee is 10.5 months old.  It's almost like we're in fast forward!  It's insane that she could be almost a year old already (and Caroline almost 2)!  Where has the time gone?!  She truly is a breath of fresh air, a bright smiling, silly dancing, little bit of hair having sweet girl.  Sometimes I look at her and can barely believe she's ours to keep.

I'm going to try to get better at the blogging thing again.  I have good excuses for slacking, I promise!  :)